Little but FIERCE (Little's Thread #5)

[Wonka]

I don't have faith that that's the way things will shake out.

He was with his last partner for 10 years, and he did to her what he did to me; unhappy, cheat when he checked out, walk away.

I saw it, participated in it, and I was shown who he was, then. Stupidly, I didn't believe it. I convinced myself that we were different and he had learned his lesson; he claimed he had and wasn't interested in hurting people like that again.

Until he did it to me, 10 years later. But the depth of the deception and the lies shocks and disturbs me. I didn't know the rabbit hole was that deep. I didn't know this man that I fell in love with could do these types of things.

I'm told by mutual friends that have known him forever that that's his MO; while his first stint of cheating (that anyone is aware of) was the GF before me, he's gone from one R into the next immediately with no more than a week's break in between. Since high school.

He's had ZERO time to work on himself, but the cycle of cheating he's started 20 years ago continues. He doesn't learn and he doesn't care to learn. He some how manages to go X amount of years in relationships convincing himself he's okay, until he's unhappy and unfulfilled and bails again without working on it.

I don't have faith he'll ever learn to be a better person and/or will ever get his just deserts for hurting others. Or wake up and have an OMG moment.. He's just going to float from R to R, unless OW manages to keep him entertained enough to hold on permanently.

Who knows? I want to have faith that he can become someone better, more compassionate, more self-aware, less selfish. But I can't right now.

Jerk.

Little,

Thank your lucky stars that you did not marry him and for the gift you've been given here. If I were you, I'd channel my energies on healing, learning to laugh again, and be available for the next guy who's a real catch along with stable emotional intelligence. You richly deserve to have it all.

[Little]

I will admit that regardless of knowing all that stuff above, the prospect that he becomes that better man to hold on to OW makes me sick to my stomach. That's an ego thing, I assume. Something I shouldn't be thinking or worrying about.

But I'm human and that's raw honesty.


Thanks, Wonka. I appreciate your input!

[Mozza]

I agree with Toots that this R is set to fail. The step-parenting, the house, the novelty, etc. If they don't breakup, they just won't be happy and that's nothing to be jealous about.

But I also agree with Wonka. Doesn't matter. You're promised to much better things. You see right through him in ways that you should have ten years ago to avoid this mess. That's sometimes how I feel about my W. You say those with children are lucky to have a link with our WAS, but I also envy you that you can cut and run. When I feel the need to stop loving W, I'm reminded of the good of the kids and realize that it's worth to wait it out longer.

Who knows? I want to have faith that he can become someone better, more compassionate, more self-aware, less selfish. But I can't right now.

He already has! He's loyal, loving, patient, not a hoarder, generous. And he's about to fall in love with you! Only, he has also changed identity. He has a different name and appearance. Now your task is to find him in the world. ;-)

(PS: You've seen my reply from 10:54 am today? I think it got buried on the previous page.)

[Little]

I see your buried reply, now, Mozz.

I'm going to keep hanging in, but it's tough, some days.

Some days I don't miss the crap I went through -- feeling like the man would never compromise with me on anything, like I was the only responsible adult in the house, and like the entire R revolved around him.

At the same time, I miss our connection and his personality, and how he made me feel during daily life when things were normal and okay between us.

I know, I'm preaching to the choir, you all know what I'm talking about.

This will pass, eventually, I'm only half way up the mountain. Today I'm just in a place where it feels all icky and hurty again.

Lady hormones suck. :P

[Little]

Did you guys see the news story about the chick that got stuck down her ex-boyfriend's chimney? In California, apparently. It's on Yahoo news, if you want to take a gander.

Someone's not DBing! :P

[Sotto]

Unless she was chimney sweeping? (act of service...)

[Mozza]

Unless she was chimney sweeping? (act of service...)

Hahaha! I LOLed at the T5LL reference.

[Ggrass]

Little my h was the same.

I look back and now realise but h cheated on xw, with ow ea I think seperated and then pa.
Then ditched her when he said she was to needy and he wanted a less serious to start with r. Ow wanted marriage moving in after 2 weeks. H bolted.

Same now bolted using ow as human shield knowing it will keep me at bay. He's using fb to send out pics of their r and inform family. Real classy I technically am his one neighbour over, you think she's feeling safe secure?

Um no, but I dun want his rubbish any more. H says he's done, I'm so close to being unable to turn back its just ashes. Best I can do is leave the r in a heap.

[Little]

Yes, G. You're right.

So, Buddhism. In a nutshell: all things are impermanent, which
is the only constant in life. All things end. Because of this, attachment to things/people/anything causes suffering.

DB principles support this. Detach, detach, detach.

I agree with this. The brain knows it. Holding on, clinging to things that change, is foolish. Hurting and suffering because of my feelings for BF and the loss of our R is causing suffering. I am in control of this.

What I'm not clear on is HOW to detach. Focusing on me is fine and dandy, but I have trouble not feeling what I'm feeling and those feelings hurt. I need to research this, because I don't want to feel these things anymore. It [censored].

[edz]

Hi Little

I've had the biggest issues with the emotional side of all of this, practicalities are one thing but the "empty room syndrome" is where it hit me, it does indeed 5uck (I think thats under the censor hammer there).

I read, reread and read again over detatchment and it still didnt leave me.

I'd express it as "the empty room syndrome".

I'd have s for the day and then come back to that d@mn empty room, i'd go out in the evening GAL and come back to the empty room. I'd go to work, do shopping, chores finish for the day and come into, well, you get the idea.

I hated the empty room, it quietly hated me back..

So I moved on to the new place and made it mine (well as much as my monstrous overdraft will let me) and that somewhat tamed it with new location and an empty room that I put together in the way it is but I know it's still there, quietly seething at me.

Yes, silly I know but it's a good way to vocalise what I felt.

So for me, 6 months (nearly) from BD and in my second month at the new place, I'm feeling more detachment nowadays (can you feel detachment?)

My thread part 6 covers it I think, but to precis it my MIL was being, well my MIL and demanding money for cleaning the old place (long story), I was going down a cheeseless tunnel of getting worked up about her treatment of me and missing w and wanting so badly to have it all back and.... something changed.

I don't know what it was, I quietly emailed MIL saying I'd pay when I could (she's still chasing me and being narc') then thought about all the nights i sat alone, the nearly a year w pushed me away and closed down any intimacy or loving contact, that night I managed to get my wedding ring off - tricky after 13 years as I'd never taken it off before ever - and put it in a kitchen drawer.

Do I miss her and our life as it was, absolutely, I'd give anything to go back 5 years with the knowledge I have but I'd much rather work forward if she chooses to do so, I accept I cant make that decision for her I can only affect my behaviours and make my choices sad as that makes me.

Am I detached completely, errrr, no. The room still creeps up on me when I'm not looking and the cats asleep but Im getting there and while I do still hope she'll work forward with me I dont want us all (including me) to be miserable again. Does that mean happiness with w? A new partner? Happiness with just me? I dont know yet but Im working on it.

I think I gave this advice to Jim, no one size fits all on detatchment, it is a state of mind and since we're all alone in our minds we all do it differently.

Hang on in there little, we're with you.

Edz