Maybell, what a lovely post. I DO feel your friend vibe! You're one of the strongest ladies I know. I appreciate you being here, sharing your experiences, chiming in on mine and generally being there to lift me up.
I really do have moments of strength but they are fleeting. I'm not sure what's up with that but... Yeah.
I'm finding that I'm resisting so much about this process. It's instinctual I think. To fight against a complete life upheaval that's taking place against your wishes. Adaptability was never a strong suit. It's a muscle I didn't strengthen because I just foughtt against it. And now...
Like uR says though, I'm way ahead of myself. That's what fear is though, living in the future. I keep trying to lean into my fears but that means I'm leaning into the future. How can I reframe that, maybell? If fear is a lighthouse we are all supposed to move towards, why are we all not moving towards divorce since we all fear that??
Am I looking at that too directly? I feel like I don't even know how to think correctly. Lol
I don't even know which way is up.
I can let him figure himself out. It takes trust in him that I don't have but I also don't have options. It's ME I can't figure out. I'm working a job I hope is temporary, in a home that may or may not be temporary, while advocating for my daughter who is in a school that may be temporary, I'm separated temporarily until either marriage it divorce is chosen...
I'm in temporary hell. I know it's temporary but that doesn't bring stability faster. I could use some stability. Yes. I could use that.
I don't feel sparkly, maybell. I don't feel bright and shiny at all. In fact, I feel quite dull with absolutely nothing important to contribute to any conversation or relationship. I have value, yes. I'll never forget that list of 20 things I made, uR. Ever. But it feel like my personal value has no street value.
I can absolutely do this, I'm just not quite sure how. I've tried so many things and nothing seems to be lasting.
Oy vey. I sound very pathetic. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can...
