Busting this Divorce - 90 Days NC #4

[Calibri]

Hello Calibri. You are very insightful. Your post hit me very hard.

It was monstrous to me that my W let me leave with our son. When I first told her we were leaving... she did fight hard in the only way she knew how... screaming and crying and threats. "You can't take my baby!" kind of things. Begging me to let her visit the condo, begging for Christmas together. Days and days of that. Even offered to fix our M... told S12 she would... then she folded, took it back, and sobbed.

Then she stopped.

I can't believe that.

I'm angry.

Ok, but are you angry at her, or yourself, the situation, all of the above? Or perhaps, is the anger a cover for other feelings? Rejection? Hurt? inadequacy?

Here's the thing. Your worth, S12's worth - they aren't based on things like your W letting you walk out the door. They aren't defined by it. Your w stepped aside and let you guys go. It hurts like hell. But maybe, for right now, that's the best thing that she could do. I'm not saying it's right. I'm not saying it makes sense. W is not healthy right now.

I know how shitty it feels. I know how angry you must be. I spent so much of my childhood feeling equal parts angry, and equal parts of sorrow because my dad wasn't there. I saw him twice a year, maybe three times if he was healthy and on his meds. Maybe got four phone calls a year, again, if he was on his meds. The years where he wasn't on his meds? That silence was a kick to my face. I was so angry. Why didn't my dad fight to have me in his life? Why didn't he want to see me more? Why wasn't I good enough? It was BAD. BAD. But as I grew older, I realized I wasn't the one who was missing out, it was my dad. I felt sorry for him for missing out on how awesome of a person I am. I stopped focusing on the negatives. I realized that the lack of involvement in my life didn't define me. I realized, that my parents getting divorced? Was the best thing that could've happened in my childhood. My dad wasn't stable. He was unmedicated a lot. Knowing how hard it was for me with him living several states away? It would've been much, much worse had my mom stayed. But the most valuable lesson I've learned, and I'm only now learning it, and I think perhaps it could be applied to your wife. Maybe my dad didn't love me in the way that I needed it. But that doesn't mean he doesn't love me the best way he knows how.

Now with her new schedule this month... My crossfit evenings are gone. My Friday tango is gone. Now I have to consider asking S11 to stay at W aunt's just so I can GAL. He doesn't want to go.

No it doesn't. You can still crossfit. Most boxes have a room where kids can hang out while parents work out. S12 is old enough that he can go and hang out for an hour while you workout. Or perhaps he can have dinner with W while you go. People in my box bring their kids all the time. I've held babies while moms PR'd on their front squats. I've seen people strap their babies to them while doing the workouts. And if you don't want to go at night with s12, then go during the day. This is totally workable. You just have to do it. Stop with the I can't and focus on the I can.

And yes... how is W spending all this time?

It doesn't matter. It's not about her, it's about you.

How can I work with her Calibri? How can I act friendly after all this? How can I not truth dart her to death every time I see her? How can she stand to be near me or much less our son? How can she stand herself?

Honestly? Who gives a [censored] if she can stand herself or not? Stop trying to assign or expect how you would feel, to her. This is just my perception, but I think you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself to do everything right and friendly and with the hopes that the R might work out in the future. Would it be easier for you if you said, right now HP doesn't like his W very much right now and doesn't want a romantic R with her, right now? Alleviate some of the pressure you feel. Allow yourself time to process the anger. The hurt. Allow yourself to simply be.

You work with her by being civil.

You work with her by treating her like a human being.

You work with her by taking care of yourself.

You work with her day by day.

You work with her by simply being.

I know you are tired. But you didn't get this far to let it all crumble. LAbug told me on my thread that the hard work starts when we stop making excuses for why we can't do it, and when we actually do it.

You've got this.