train, 25yrs, others who kept up on my sitch

[Train]

Just read back through the couple of posts I made today - and your comment, Maybell - and lol'd. It probably seems like I'm on fire, indeed. I think I've just read so much here lately (and not responded), and I have SO much empathy that some posts really do catapult me, emotionally, back to the six months (combined, in 2005/06 and last year) that I was alone and trying to navigate my way through DBing. (I know, I know, y'all are like: 6 MONTHS?!? PUHLEEZE!!! But it's all relative, ya know?!?) And I felt that every.move.I.made was the "wrong" thing to do. I felt like I had to report back here with everything - and was ashamed to admit some things - because I wasn't doing every.little.thing. "by the book."

And then I realized that it's sorta - please don't accuse me of being sacrilegious - like the Bible: there are those who read it *literally* and get it (at best) half wrong. But there are those who are so desperate for salvation that they lap up every morsel of what people tell them It says. Even if the "reporting" people read part of It the wrong way. Or only took from It what they "needed" to read ... and left the rest behind.

The first time I was here, I felt CONSTANTLY like a doormat. But I read MWD's book, 8 years later, with a different set of eyes. Two eyes with a lot of experience. And one A already under my belt. With the help of my own experiences, and the combined experiences of a few posters here that have made things WORK - one way or another - I see things quite differently. And I even read things in DR quite differently this time. It's a matter of perspective, perhaps. Our perspective - even when we READ something - is colored by our experiences.

That being said, I don't know what to tell you, twin. You love your H, and it shows. You don't want to be alone. And I get that.

For me personally? If my H had come back "half-cocked" - even though I'm a stay-at-home-mom with no current income - I would have told him to take a hike. I was scared out of my mind. My S8, who has been home since he was born and has even homeschooled since he was in Kindergarten, cried DAILY after I told him I had to go back to work which meant he had to go to public school. It was the most gut-wrenching thing I've ever gone through (my M be damned at that point). But once I flipped that switch, NO WAY would I have taken my H - and my old M - back. Half-cocked wasn't going to cut it for me anymore. I recognized - and KNEW - I was better than that. My H came back this time fully prepared to fix what has happened ... even more so than I was. He was remorseful. He was different than he was the first time. And he's STILL carrying the brunt of that load, even though I'm continuing to take care of my side of the street. (I don't know if it will last; anything can happen. But if I'm doing my best and he cheats AGAIN, he can go on ...)

I might get kicked off this site for saying so - and that's ok because my M is in recovery and I'm only here to try to help others - but I think there's a HUGE difference between a M being in trouble because of boredom and two people not meeting each other's needs and then a M being in trouble because of an A ... or the aftermath of one. That's maybe why there's only one chapter in DR devoted to extramarital affairs. And even MWD advocates a much firmer stance in that chapter. But we all look for the magic bullet and think that the whole book applies to our sitch, even if there's been an A. And we believe the book tells us to "placate" our spouses. I did that once. And ended up back here 8 years later. I don't think the same rules apply in the event of an A. My H said this time it was my self-assurance - my "confidence," he called it - that re-attracted him. Not my validating and kissing his a$s even though he was the one getting that very thing on the side.

I firmly believe that we can ACT confident and self-assured and happy and content ... and that might re-attract our spouses. But until we reach the place where we actually KNOW that we - and our children - will be okay on our own, we are just setting ourselves up to be doormats. A M is a privilege. Not a right. And it should be treated as such. By BOTH sides.

We don't deserve our spouses. We EARN them. And if we earn them and they don't reciprocate, then we've earned something better. There IS an end-point to the supplication. But I can't tell you where that end-point is for your own M. I only know where it is for mine.

Heart you girls.