Do I have the right to talk to the kids over phone

[swoop]

SP,
I can't speak for your fine state or your family situation, but when my XH decided the weekly plan sounded ideal, our mediator put a document in front of him that changed his mind. This was 12 years ago, so please forgive me for being a little rusty at this.

I don't want to sidetrack, Peace's thread, so I won't get too involved in my own sitch. I will say that we have a 50/50 plan for every other week, with one after school visit day in the middle. We also felt it would be too long to go without physically seeing the other parent.

The basic premise is that if there was no separation or divorce, kids would have access to both parents intermittently (or jointly) all week long. I remember something about some psychologist's long term study on kids who were young when their parents divorced and were studied over 10-20 years. The results were pretty convincing. They felt disconnected and similar to pawns in a game. They felt that the needs of the parents exceed their need to access both parents equally.

I couldn't agree more. I feel that divorce or separation is horrible for children. Of course they feel disconnected. Of course they feel like pawns. What I don't agree with is, how does ANY parenting plan change that? How can any schedule allow the children joint access to both parents? Regardless of the schedule, the children WILL be living separate lives in separate homes, and there WILL be many times that the parents are not (physically) accessible to them, whether they spend one day, three days or a week away. Swapping to a new home every few days is CHAOS on any person, and even more so on a child. With a weekly plan, What they give up with in time away from the other parent, is more than made up for in terms of stability and down time. They aren't in constant transition.

Which is more important, "hey I saw my dad yesterday, but I don't know where my homework is" or "I miss my Mom, but I know I have clean sheets on my bed and what is expected of me today"

My two cousins were victims of this set up. One is now a cop who turns his emotions off completely (he's a bomb squad technician and uses his extensive travel requirement to avoid conflicts at home), and his sister is now caring for their dad with Alzheimers. Their mom died a few years ago. She's in a generally happy marriage - she also married a child of divorced parents with a bitter divorce. But her H also travels extensively (nuclear scientist) and she's got a lot of anger left over from her childhood. Both of her parents have said at different times that they wish they had made different choices. They had the most acrimonious divorce of anyone I knew, and were in fact my role models in what NOT to do when my own D came to fruition.

Be honest. Do you feel that the damage was caused by the parenting schedule, or more so the bitterness and ugliness that the divorce itself undoubtedly caused. I am envisioning parents that spoke poorly of each other, who didn't wish to actually co-parent, who used the children as negotiation tools, etc. I personally don't see things playing out much differently, if the parenting plan (time schedule) were altered. I am just not convinced. A harsh word about the other parent will cause MUCH more damage than spending an extra day before a child goes to Mom's or Dad's house.

And as I said earlier, my D20's teammate said that she felt her life had to be compartmentalized to please her parents. She had 2 separate lives with each of them and it really hurt her. She's a sweet girl (well, now young lady), but I'm not surprised that she has not had positive dating experiences either. She's 23 now, and is one of those people who doesn't trust at all. And that includes her parents. While she loves them both, I think she's pretty angry at how she and her brother had to grow up.

How does ANY parenting plan allow the children to live unaffected lives with constant contact with both parents? I don't see how that can happen. What I do see in my situation, is that my child has a fair amount of time to "settle in" and adjust to the new home. She isn't in constant transition. She has a moment to take a breath and feel connected to her current situation. I feel that benefits her. It is so difficult for kids to constantly transition back and forth, forgetting backpacks, leaving friends, adjusting to house rules, etc. Regardless of the amount of time spent at each home, the children WILL be living separate lives in separate homes. They WILL be compartmentalized. That is a given. Allowing them more time in each home, I think will let them feel more at peace. It will allow them time to get in the groove and relax for a moment. It's like going on vacation overnight, or spending a week away. I don't know about you, but after a week in a Hotel room, I feel pretty "at home" in that Hotel room. On an overnight trip, I don't even unpack my bags!

My girls were 5 and 8 when their dad left and when he proposed we go to the weekly schedule. My then 8 year old told her dad that she wanted to see both of us during the week. In the end, he agreed. It turns out that he only proposed it because he thought it sounded great not to have to parent for 7 days in a row.

Not sure what to say about this, other than if it works for your family, it is the right thing to do.

I'd say if you are going this route, make it easier for the kids to be able to be in touch with their mom while they are with you and to ask her to reciprocate - for THEM. I can promise you that my XH would sure as hell not wait 7 days if one of them started their period on his watch. Or if it was spring break and 3 doctors appointments were set up and it fell in his week.

You nailed it! The only thing that will allow children a level of connection and normalcy, is the actual co-parenting. Keeping similar homes with similar rules for example, Maintaining similar bedtimes, levels of discipline, schedules, and of course, allowing the children access to each parent WHENEVER they wish. My daughter is welcome to (and she knows she can), phone or see her mother whenever DAUGHTER wishes. Being a parent who speaks highly of their ex-spouse, who shows interest in their child's life and makes an active effort to Co-parent as best as possible, is what positively shapes children from divorced families. Spending 3 or 4 days, as opposed to 7 days is a moot point.