Maybell XXVI

[bdub]

Re: the tinder account, I call my WAW out on every single lie, half truth, or withholding of information she does or says to me. It is a personal boundary. For a while she got angry about it but now she just goes quiet and we move forward with our conversation. Am I "showing my hand" a little? Probably. Do I feel good about stopping the lies ? Definitely.

[T384]

What good can come of bringing up the account. With his track record I'm sure you know to expect a lie, right? I don't mean that at all as a 2x4. I'm with GB, I never brought up OW to H even though it was brought to my attention by many 'friends' ... But just because I didn't want him to have the satisfaction of knowing I cared enough to bring it up.

You hold most of the cards Maybell, you just don't know it yet

[raliced]

Hi Maybell,

I'm going to add my voice to the chorus saying to just go and listen and commit to nothing, but for a slightly different reason. My STBX met me in November to see if we could come to agreement on major items without going to court. I thought he had expressed his opinion on most things (He wanted me to be able to keep the house and just wanted "flexibility" on child custody). I showed up prepared - with a spreadsheet of items to discuss, drove the conversation and had him initial items that he agreed with. The tone of the conversation was pretty amiable (I thought)and he agreed to everything I proposed.

Then later that night - he emailed me to say that from now on any discussions needed to happen in email, rather than meeting him "with my list of demands" for an "extremely favorable settlement" (it's not, by the way). Of course, for the record, the only meaningful item that he had an issue with was that I wanted him to fund the girls college accounts a certain amount every month and wanted this in the decree. He said he "couldn't trust me" not to make a complaint if he was short one month and this would be damaging to his profession. Whatever. I knew that one was a long shot - so I let it go along with a comment that it would never make sense for me to do anything that interfered with his gainful employment.

The point of all this is that even though we actually agreed on just about everything - the fact that I drove the conversation has allowed him to create a narrative in his mind that, in regards to the divorce ,I am being demanding and unreasonable. I wouldn't care except that attitude doesn't help with the girls.

Your situation is totally different - but I would still let him come out and say what he wants first, without much comment.

[paul19510]

I agree with Betsy. If you go..listen and smile. Don't add much. If he asks what you want tell him you're still not sure...this will take some time to consider..etc.

My STBXW told me flat out she was not coming home and did not want to be my W anymore. I told her I was going to file. When she got the paperwork, she freaked out. Ireminded her that I only did what she asked. When I met someone else after years of being left lonely...she siad to a mutual friend..."I don't get it...he moved on....." she didn't want me...but she wanted me continue hurting for her and to be alone.... I refused.

I am not encouraging you to go out and do anything. It does sound like the person H is today is not a good fit for you. Please protect yourself and the kids and do what makes you happy. Maybe he pulls his head out of the sand..but I wouldn't wait around to see if he might anytime soon.

[Underdog]

Paul,

I told her I was going to file. When she got the paperwork, she freaked out. Ireminded her that I only did what she asked.

^^^^^^^^^^^

This is so incredibly status quo that it actually makes me laugh. (Not at your pain but the sheer stupidity of the situation.) It's like they want to act divorced but retain all the illusions and benefits that being married brings. For my neighbors across the street, it works for them that they stay legally married but live separate lives. They were married almost 40 years and still care for each other, but want different things. He now lives downtown and she's in the 'burbs with me. She keeps all his benefits and he's happy to just live somewhere else with his GF.

But for the rest of us, it doesn't work at all. I wasn't willing to go that route because in my faith and belief system, I wasn't legally or emotionally available until that happened. Yet, my XH also seemed really unhappy with the actual business dissolution as well. When he went on a tirade about spousal support, that's when I knew I had to restructure things. It still makes me shake my head in disbelief.

Personally, I think your XW and my XH (like many of the WAS's here) like to think that it's okay for them to move on but nobody else. Mine has his own issues. Fortunately, I've already let them go. But one of the biggies? When he left, he bought all new things. I suppose to make him feel better about being somewhere else. But I also know he was awfully happy to walk in the house and see physical evidence that made him feel a part of what he left. When I started painting, redecorating and eventually giving stuff away, he seemed pissed.

Here's a really stupid case in point. My house was built in 1982. Last summer, I finally got rid of the carpeting in my living/dining rooms and family rooms and replaced them with hardwood. You'd have thought I was changing the kids' last names! He gave me a litany of reasons why I shouldn't do that. I will admit that the hardwood floors we had in our last house required a lot of maintenance. The engineered ones today don't. I did my homework. And yet he still kept yammering to me about it. It's my house, and I did what I wanted.

Flash forward to Christmas Eve. We were eating dinner in the formal dining room and having a nice evening. Mr. Wonderful clears his throat and says, "Hey, I've been meaning to ask you. Where did you get your flooring, and who installed it? I've been rethinking this for a few months." I answered him and then asked, "What changed your mind? You sure seemed unhappy with what I was doing." He said, "I don't know. I really didn't like them at first, but they grew on me and I hate how yucky my carpet gets, especially in the high traffic areas." Are you kidding me? That was literally my reason for getting rid of them!

I'll take it a step further. Although we have been divorced for almost 10 years now, I think he hates the physical proof that faces him when he walks in my door. It's not the house he left. Duh. I'm not the person he left and life isn't what it was back in 2003. And guess what? I'm nowhere NEAR finished with my changes!

They don't want us, but don't want anyone else to want us either. Just plain sad and definitely unrealistic. I refuse to do that as well.

Hugs for all-
Betsey

[Maybell]

Betsey, thank you so much for visiting me today -- you said all the right things.

You are right, as he is right now, he's no catch. I don't know if he's strung together ten honest words to me in two years or more. probably longer. But sometimes I have to be reminded.

(I want to say that a LOT of people have said the exact right words to me, especially today, and I would acknowledge them all more fully if I weren't trying to get the kitchen clean and the kids ready for bed and me ready to read a chapter of Harry Potter before 9:00)

In all the ways that matter my life is better and more hopeful than it it was while I struggled to be happy with him. As I was making dinner tonight and balancing talking to my little brother with refereeing Lego fights and a naggy D11, I thought of making dinner for some other husband and just cringed. Companionship, yes. Another spouse... Not conceivable at this time (including going back to a M with my actual H).

Fear is my lighthouse. I keep forgetting that my mission is to head TOWARDS it. thank you all for being such great tugboats.

[SunnyB]

I thought of making dinner for some other husband and just cringed.

Amen, honey. Although I'll take another spouse that's willing to be in the kitchen with me. I have a friend who cooks with his W almost every night. I'm totally jealous of that. I'd be even happier sitting at the island with a glass of wine watching a hubby make me dinner. Total bliss.....

[Maybell]

You know what's funny? H and I cooked together every night, right up to the day he left. And he always had a glass of wine or a beer in his hand too.

Such a dreadful life I led him. No wonder he had to leave.

[Mozza]

You know what's funny? H and I cooked together every night, right up to the day he left. And he always had a glass of wine or a beer in his hand too.

Amen, honey. Although I'll take another spouse that's willing to be in the kitchen with me. I have a friend who cooks with his W almost every night. I'm totally jealous of that. I'd be even happier sitting at the island with a glass of wine watching a hubby make me dinner. Total bliss.....

Since we're in cooking confessions, my W and I alternated days to cook for the family. I was very proud of that, but now I regret that we didn't do it together or that, at least, we didn't hang out in the kitchen while the other one was cooking. Such great quality time. It's on my to-do-better list for my next R.

[Georgiabelle]

I'll take a SO that cooks! Xh was an okay cook but rarely cooked. . My specialties are microwave popcorn and ramen noodles so a cook sounds delightful.

Good luck, Maybell!