KGirl - one year later con't

[KGirl]

Right? H said that he didn't want to waste money/time on counseling. I am quite sure this will end up being quite a bit more time/money. Oh well, it is what it is, and I am not doing anything more than my end of it in terms of paperwork and effort. I've had several friends comment lately that I've handled this so well over the past year, so that's reassuring, even if sometimes I don't feel like it. There are many things I could have done (not gonna lie, still thought about them) but have not that would not have been in line with taking the high road. He's just not worth my energy in that regard.

I've been thinking quite a bit about a segment on the morning radio show the other day. In this segment, a woman calls in about her fiancé, who went to a strip club for his bachelor party, and then afterwards told her that he had a lap dance and "touched" the stripper. The woman called the show because she wanted advice - she was really torn up about it, not to the extent that she would call up the wedding, but she felt like it was cheating. Not like I'm going to take advice from a radio show, but I was moreso contemplating the responses. Three of the hosts on the show basically said "If they talked about it in advance, and she said she was uncomfortable with certain things happening, her fiancé out of love and respect for her should have respected that and not done them." Whereas one of the hosts said "No way, she can't control what he does, it's HER problem if she's insecure about it, not his."

Why am I thinking about this? Because that was me and H's battle on a lot of things (there was a strip club incident but transferrable to many other things too - spending time together, him not wanting to tell me who he was with when he'd go out, etc.). And hearing someone else on a radio show that doesn't know me and isn't friends with me and has no stake in my R basically say that it's OK to say you're not comfortable with something and that your partner should respect it or at MINIMUM discuss it with you makes me feel less like I'm a crazy, controlling, uber jealous person. So maybe this is less about me trying to change certain things about myself (because some things I think are fundamentally just me and what I value and what is "trustworthy" to me), and more about the fact that H and I just didn't see things like what it means to be in an R in the same way. It's hard to know that when you start dating so young and just keep going. Maybe instead of trying so hard to force myself to be OK with certain things or how people interact with me, I should instead be focusing on identifying that in other people and making sure we are on the same wavelength. But on the other hand, I don't want to be neglecting things I can do to be a better person and shirking responsibility. Where's the point where it changes from "I can work to improve myself!" to "OK, this is just me, and it's OK to be me, and I just need to find a partner that feels similarly"?