I told her I was going to file. When she got the paperwork, she freaked out. Ireminded her that I only did what she asked.
^^^^^^^^^^^
This is so incredibly status quo that it actually makes me laugh. (Not at your pain but the sheer stupidity of the situation.) It's like they want to act divorced but retain all the illusions and benefits that being married brings. For my neighbors across the street, it works for them that they stay legally married but live separate lives. They were married almost 40 years and still care for each other, but want different things. He now lives downtown and she's in the 'burbs with me. She keeps all his benefits and he's happy to just live somewhere else with his GF.
But for the rest of us, it doesn't work at all. I wasn't willing to go that route because in my faith and belief system, I wasn't legally or emotionally available until that happened. Yet, my XH also seemed really unhappy with the actual business dissolution as well. When he went on a tirade about spousal support, that's when I knew I had to restructure things. It still makes me shake my head in disbelief.
Personally, I think your XW and my XH (like many of the WAS's here) like to think that it's okay for them to move on but nobody else. Mine has his own issues. Fortunately, I've already let them go. But one of the biggies? When he left, he bought all new things. I suppose to make him feel better about being somewhere else. But I also know he was awfully happy to walk in the house and see physical evidence that made him feel a part of what he left. When I started painting, redecorating and eventually giving stuff away, he seemed pissed.
Here's a really stupid case in point. My house was built in 1982. Last summer, I finally got rid of the carpeting in my living/dining rooms and family rooms and replaced them with hardwood. You'd have thought I was changing the kids' last names! He gave me a litany of reasons why I shouldn't do that. I will admit that the hardwood floors we had in our last house required a lot of maintenance. The engineered ones today don't. I did my homework. And yet he still kept yammering to me about it. It's my house, and I did what I wanted.
Flash forward to Christmas Eve. We were eating dinner in the formal dining room and having a nice evening. Mr. Wonderful clears his throat and says, "Hey, I've been meaning to ask you. Where did you get your flooring, and who installed it? I've been rethinking this for a few months." I answered him and then asked, "What changed your mind? You sure seemed unhappy with what I was doing." He said, "I don't know. I really didn't like them at first, but they grew on me and I hate how yucky my carpet gets, especially in the high traffic areas." Are you kidding me? That was literally my reason for getting rid of them!
I'll take it a step further. Although we have been divorced for almost 10 years now, I think he hates the physical proof that faces him when he walks in my door. It's not the house he left. Duh. I'm not the person he left and life isn't what it was back in 2003. And guess what? I'm nowhere NEAR finished with my changes!
They don't want us, but don't want anyone else to want us either. Just plain sad and definitely unrealistic. I refuse to do that as well.
Hugs for all- Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
