I thought I would try and catch up with your sitch – started with your first one and have just read your last – so just need to do the ones in the middle ….which I will do over time!
Thanks so much for taking the time to write to me and offer advice and support. I appreciate it.
Wow, goodness, such a lot as happened in your life over the past few years, its hard to know where to start - I will but find your new thread to post on.
I will start my post by answering your questions:
Quote - I'd think heading out on "your new life" would be quite a wake-up call for your h tho, no? it is sooo gutsy sounding to me - leaving country
Nope, not a word from my h. He did not acknowledge me leaving the country and has not had any communication with me since November – I have been told not to expect any contact from him as he is still very much in his own world and love bubble.
Quote - so - are you from UK? is that why summer in UK?
Yes I am originally from the UK, moved to NZ 8yrs ago and was in my happy love bubble until BD 5/ 14 and then boom, bubble burst. H left 6/ 14 to take up a promotion on the South Island (we lived on the North Island) – the one I sacrificed everything for – then 8 weeks later he informed me he had new relationship. I fell to bits – up until then I thought/hoped that he was having a mad moment and needed some space. The thought of my h with someone else …and all that entails …. Just completely destroyed me. In a moment of pure despair and desperation I decided to return to my family home in the UK. My youngest s17 was coming with me but scored a 2yr scholarship 3 weeks before flying ahhhhh. So he has remained in NZ and I am now treating this as a sabbatical – time to grieve, heal and start to rebuild my life.
At the moment I have no direction, I am completely lost and I am just taking every day as it comes and make decisions as and when – on the information in front of me at the time.
I just want to tell you though – this “time out” does not mean I have given up on my m – although I will say that now I am away from him, away from the toxic mess he is creating for himself, I can see far more clearly and really don’t like the person he has become, I question if I am a doormat, or if I am holding on to my m because he/it is familiar to me and I have known no other since I was 19.
I suppose having NC and having this time away is giving me the chance to experience life without h on my terms. It is putting what he has done and is doing into perspective. Whilst I am feeling intense pain and hurt, he is living life to the full and enjoying every moment – who is the one suffering here- Me. He does not care that I am hurting, he does not care that I am living out of a bedroom, he does not care that I don’t have a job – he loves his life, he loves his g/f and new family, he loves his lifestyle and his job – he does not love me. So I do question my reasoning for remaining hopeful he returns to me. It changes all the time, sometimes I am devout and sometimes I think I would be crazy letting him back in to my life – but then I am basing that on the person he is now, not the person he will be when/if he comes out of this.
I am a carer, I care about him and what happens to him – I truly believe that this is not him, that this is a mental crisis – because if I didn’t, then that would mean he is done this on purpose – knowingly causing me intense pain and that is unbearable to think that he would do that to me – the person he passionately and deeply loved for 20+yrs.
I had to leave my home (as in house) as it was already on the market when he gave BD, it sold before he left, so I lost my home, my role in life as I was a sahw for 21yrs, I lost my money as it was all spent getting him to the job position he is in now, I lost my h and my BF. My children are grown up and I have just become an empty nester. I have nothing left to loose, so whatever I do has to be an improvement on my life right?
So todays update –
Skyped with s17 this morning – was lovely to catch up with him although conversation quickly ran out as he is currently staying with H so everything he is doing is with h and ow, which is a no no subject for both of us to talk about. Was a bit upsetting knowing that things are obviously going well with them (as in h and ow) – bluh, bitter moment ;o)
Walked the beach to try rid myself of the misery that it caused me – it sets me backwards every time.
Then got into a conversation with my SIL, she is well meaning but pushing suggestions of what I should do for work …push push push …. And then suggested I go and see a “friend” who owns a mini farm and kennels to ask for some work experience. I politely said no, but she pushed the issue and I again replied no, I won’t ask them for work, I don’t want to. She got quite shirty about it and said I was obviously in a bad mood and no point in continuing the conversation. I walked out, went to a good friends’ house and burst in to tears. – what I should have told SIL is that those “friends” are not mine, they are H’s – which I later explained to her and she said she forgot that h had lived here to????
Anywhoo – got talking to my lovely friend and she was great, she let me cry, made me laugh, let me babble on about all sorts of woes of the day, month, past year …. she said she will give me a job in a heartbeat if I can manage to stay afloat until March when she opens for the season. Joy Joy, lovely. I mentioned doing a Barista course and a Food Hygiene course and she said if I get on one she will come with me – then she said “come to yoga with me this week” so I am now off to yoga class on Thursday – which I am so happy about as I miss Pilates so much.
Got back home late to be asked by my b if I was going to have the apartment or not – I said not, as I really need to save the money – hoping that he would say, “don’t worry about it, the business will subsidise it” – but nope – so I am to remain in the bedroom in his home. Will I never get a break? No one can believe it – that b was going to charge me (especially as my SIL –was g/f – lived in it for free for 2yrs !) anywhoo, I digress – so I am going to pay him some rent for the room and get my own food in now – at least I have some independence back.
I don’t like living here, it’s not ideal, I miss my own space and I really don’t like my SIL very much – but my friend pointed out that once I am working I won’t be around very much so just keep my head down and push through as best I can – If it comes to it I do have an emergency couple of sofa’s I can crash on for a while -
So that has been my day – the good, the bad and the ugly ;o)
Thanks always for listening, allowing me to ramble on, repeating myself, repeating myself, repeating myself ha ha ha …sorry …..
