On the brink, need a miracle

[Onguard]

Thanks Zew and Okjpc. WW is back to planning her move out. She has not given me a date but told me over the weekend that it's time for her to move forward toward a new beginning and that she feels ready to physically leave for the first time. We have had very little communication. We went to dinner with our kids on NYE but barely spoke a word to each other. I have not been very good a GAL lately either. My mood has been in the tank. I'm trying to convince myself that I will be ok no matter what happens.

I know that I need to be strong right now but it is so hard. What I want most is for my marriage to survive but it feels like it is slipping away and there is nothing I can do. She has experienced freedom and she likes it. In her words, "I cannot un-see freedom".

Why am I not able to be stronger? I have so many things going for me yet all I can do is think about my w and getting her back. All of my friends and family are stunned that I would even take her back. They look at me like I have 3 heads when I tell them that I want to save my marriage. I wish it were different. My attorney, who also thinks I'm nutz, told me that almost all of her clients are eager to end the marriage. I wish I felt that way. It would be so much easier if I were angry and looking to move on. But my feelings are what they are.