Today H asked me to mail him a prescription for Oxy I know nothing about. History - I have already reached out to his dad and best friend telling them my concerns with his usage (Oxy 2 years, cries for help going out to other people, interest in buying more outside of prescription). Plus sleep meds and three anti depressants. I don't think he's himself at all. I have told him my concerns also.
I told him via same text I didn't know what he was talking about, I think he has a problem and needs to talk to his doc. This was met with a lot of anger - and a flipping text...a text... 'W, maybe we should talk about divorce. this is one more sign we're not working. I didn't ask your opinion.'
His dad has told me that H just seems to need more companionship that I can or am willing to offer. It's true, I have a lot of interests and am good at them, make some money off all...but I still spend evenings and weekends with him, had breakfast with him most every day. It's not fair to blame me b/c he's had no interests of his own and sits locked in the house all day feeling deeply lonely...or has been turning away or treating me like an enemy for most of the year when I have tried to talk to him. I work my ass off bc he won't work, he considers himself an invalid even though he is healed, mobile...and I'm failing because he's not getting the ideal companionship and love and acceptance (while he's withdrawn and treating me with anger and disrespect all year)? I am taking responsibility for the active listening I didn't do, the anger I'd respond with when I couldn't reason with him or felt like the world was hopeless. I feel like I did contribute to his loneliness but I also think it is BS for him to act like this is all my failing for getting here.
Guys, I am about done here. I won't engage any more in texts or emails, but I think this goes beyond DR or LRT - he's in a downward spiral and before the substances were an issue, he wasn't much on taking responsibility for his life or being a real active participant in it. I am losing so much hope. I am scared for him and this running thing, what I am sure is an addiction and personality change, and it is twisting my guts up, all of it. Before he left to go out of state he was going to counseling with me. Going on dates. There was hope and I don't know what happened.
I've reached out to the people who might be able to talk to him about this Oxy thing...I've put my cards out on the table that I am willing to work for our marriage if he is...I can't do much more than that, right? What can I do? Other than try to get on with my life? A 24 mile bike ride today with good friends before all this went down and I felt like I was starting to find my strength again, ok with it all...what is wrong with me?
Maybe the cold hard truth is that he just doesn't want to be with me anymore and I need to accept that and go on, quit worrying about his mental illness and addictions if he won't. And quit looking for any more.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
Be aware that if you live in the US, mailing an RX for a controlled substance is against the law; whether you're a person or a doctor. Doctors cannot fax/escribe it to the pharmacy, either - the patient is required to pick it up from the prescribing doctor at the office and show proof of identity.
Be careful. Don't get yourself into a jam.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Does he get all his prescriptions from the same doctor? Because I would be concerned at the combination of meds he is taking.
Is he able to get up and function (like shower, eat etc?). I am just seeking clarification on the extent of his physical activity. Why did he go out of state?
I'm sorry you find yourself here. It sounds like you are dealing with a lot.
In terms of mental illness and addictions... What kind of mental illness are you meaning? Has he had a psych evaluation? How much oxy is he taking? I'm not exactly sure what is going on so the first red flag would be.. What prescriptions is he receiving and from where. It is concerning that he is looking to get more oxy outside of his prescription and I wonder if you are really dealing with mental illness or all the lovely things that come with having an addiction.
In either case, there isn't much you can do to save him if he doesn't to want to save himself (I'm sorry to sound so cliche). Keep with the GAL.. Drop the rope..
Me:38.. H:33. Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3 M:8.. together for 11. Bomb dropped:10/17/11 Separated:11/07/11
The things I learned when facing a possible mental health crisis with H in my sitch: all you can do is let people know you're concerned, and then step back.
Right now your H is agitated with you for whatever reason. Don't give him additional ammunition. Simply say, "I'm unable to mail you the prescription." And leave it at that.
If you've notified his parents or friends and expressed your concern for his well being, the only other options you would have is to research and see if there's some sort of mental health mobile crisis team that could evaluate him.
You can't fix it. And you can't help him if he can't help himself. Set up/enforce boundaries, and take care of yourself at this point in time.
M:32,H 32 T:10, M5 BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15 Served D Papers: 10/15 Divorced: 11/15
He's able to cook, clean, wood-work, walk a dog, claims PTSD has him not driving this year and he can't concentrate or be in one position for too long - I know this is true. He is clinically depressed, got that eval last month. Some of this must have come from the intense loneliness he felt around a wife he felt like hated him. He would say some of the most awful things to me all year long and it was so hard not to be defensive and angry and engage with empathy during these 'conversations.' I was very forceful with my opinions and got frustrated with what I thought was some poor logic and so much self pity. I have a lot of changes I need to make in how I approach him, when, and kindness being non judgmental in general. Right now that's all I can own. Even when he gave up on me, before we decided to separate, I was still asking him if we could talk, hug, something...he would just say he wasn't interested and shut the door.
Drop the rope. I will. I am trying so hard and every once in a while I get this pang so many of you know - this isn't real, can't be happening, what about this happy memory...
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
Could he be having side effects from the anti depressants? H was a real dick from late October-early December. Come to find out he was on a med that was kicking his ass (he had almost every side effect that one could have). Now that those meds are out of his system, he's starting to come out of the darkness. Perhaps a thought.
I wonder if he's being honest with the docs on what meds he's taking? Or if the docs are aware of possible interactions with each drug.
M:32,H 32 T:10, M5 BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15 Served D Papers: 10/15 Divorced: 11/15
Sounds like an angry addict talking not a husband. Oxy is very addictive and if he is abusing it then you are dealing with his addiction not him. I would ignore his remarks and simply answer " No I'm not able to do that.". He will try and threaten, guilt or sweet talk you into getting what he wants. Don't grab the bait. Sounds like a man that needs lots of therapy. Hard to watch someone you love spiral down. For your own sake though I would suggest staying back. Love from a distance.
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
C - This is part of the workers comp thing, so wouldn't you think docs are asking about all of these things? I don't think it's like him not to be honest about that...
Can I ask you something? Was there always a little bit of the dynamic between you and your husband that led to your separation?
There was never so much at stake between me and H, but if I am honest, I think there was always this dynamic where I was the cheerleader for our relationship more than he was. Where he would nay say everything, and that might've been part of the depression he's always struggled with... Where he would manipulate every conversation so that I was holding all the blame ... I just think that this is one big grand finale for what we have always struggled with. Of course I love him. But love isn't enough. It takes two ppl to fall in love and one to always be throwing their hands up saying they don't believe in working to stay in love and everything is hopeless.
One of my GAL activities today - an old friend pointed out we had this conversation years ago. She asked me how many years I wanted to keep having the heartache in my life and future conversations. I won't give up on my M but it's a damn good question and reason to 'drop the rope.'
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
Well, just got a text from him yelling at me about contacting his friends and family and to just leave him alone. (I only contacted them with concern about the addiction problem I think he is wrestling and asked them to keep an eye on him and talk to him if they could. They know I want to work on my marriage, but that isn't their problem.)
I responded that he would have done the same if he was concerned about me the way I am him. That I cared about him regardless of the things he was saying to me. Understood he was hurting and angry and would do as requested re no contact.
And there's that. On to GAL - my life back - and feeling good again. There is peace in knowing I've done everything I could and can do no more except for myself.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
