Because that's what he does? As recently as last week. What I don't know is whether or not he is setting me up on purpose, or that's just his response. I want to have compassion for him when he feels like he can't do anything right in my eyes, but there are so many trust issues on my end that it's difficult to do that when his gestures seem so . . . half-hearted to me.
I did have a chance to mention this when we talked last week. (I think it was Tuesday, the day before NYE.) He mentioned that he didn't think anything he could do would be good enough for me because he's done everything I asked and I still want more. (Reality check: He has not done everything I've asked, not by a long shot. Nor should he, but that's for a different conversation.) I validated and said that it must be difficult to try harder when you feel like nothing is ever good enough. We talked a little bit longer and eventually he asked me what I needed from him in that moment. I told him that I wanted to know that he loved me and that he was sorry for hurting my feelings. Then he said in the most exasperated tone, "I love you and I'm sorry I hurt your feelings." I thanked him for saying what I needed, but I also said that if he wondered why his gifts never seemed good enough, it was because I felt like I was pulling teeth to get them. He softened up a bit and gave a more sincerely worded apology after that.
Originally Posted By: jim0987
can i ask what you mean by this? what do you intend to do next time?
I guess what i'm saying is this is the kind of thing that can easily become a arguement or a disagreement when in reality you both probably want the same thing. Blame and defensiveness can get in the way.
Maybe next time he does this you might want to think about whether rather than saying something you more lovingly wait till he starts to pull away and then take more of a lead, with a kind of 'hey, I'm not finished with that hug yet' and pull him back into the kind of hug you want.
I think I meant that I wasn't going to say anything in the moment, but then I did exactly the opposite a day or two later, so maybe I need to remember the plan!
I like your advice, though. I need to find a way to communicate my needs without making him feel inadequate.
