I was just reading someone's new postings- It made me remember beginnning here and how awful life was - in living color. i am so glad it's behind me. i cannot imagine ever being so hurt or dopey ever again in life (fingers crossed).
- i think it's almost 4 yrs later - i'll be 64 in feb - i'm sooooo changed (better i hope) idk - i'm so grateful i feel better on a daily basis. and that's about it for me. pitifully small & huge progress - at same time. even when i'm having a bad day- it's not nearly as bad as it used to be.
I wanted to say today- that i would not recommend anyone ever go look back at my threads, unless you want to be serioyusly bored and depressed. i'm not kidding.
i have not, and shudder to think of how pitiful and embarrassing they probably were. i cannot bring myself to go back there - to that point in my life.
I am still dbing - of a sort. only hope that i'll continue to feel better every year - no real hope that h may "snap out of it". we are and have morphed- into who/what - idk.
i have less idea than ever where it will all end & when and even maybe why . i may have lost all expectations because i don't know what it is that i want other than loosely to feel loved and happy (like olden days). alone or with someone idk that either. i just want the feelings (ideally).
a bit of peace of mind please...
who or what or how to flesh that out- idk either. I still try to embraced one day at a time - mlc aside, all the deaths in my families in last five years have helped change me too. some days good, some bad - none as painful as a year ago- or two or three.
soooo- progress. I can garden, sew & do some painting with enthusiasm - in beginning i hated everything i loved - nothing brought me pleasure- trash - all of it . so yay
lifestyle is sos - we still live together on and off- here in nj and there in fl- and him back & forth. wierd and not making me happy- but status quo at this time. i am grateful for lack of hostility & trauma in life this minute. (see- don't even want to assume peace will last)
i feel like a different person - less idealistic & romantic - more shell shocked. she was okay tho- maybe still down there somewhere?
so i'm outta here - i don't think i even have a new year resolution other than re-lose that 6 lb from november.
now, where are those cookies - kidding....
xxoo thanks anyone out there for all your input over the years. my personal journey isn't over. i have no idea about h - or me (who are these people?) it's still a waiting game or crap shoot or whatever.
I sure couldn't have done it alone- if it all goes bellyup tomorrow - it did/& does matter i think to give dbing a try - to endeavor to plod on thru the bad times & stand up & be counted for what we believe. - we'll see huh?
