Little but FIERCE (Little's Thread #5)

[Little]

Also also, I'm jealous of the people on these boards that have kids and thus interaction with their ex. This is irrational and stupid.

I'm also jealous of all those that have hope and a chance to win their exes back.

Mine's knee deep in delusional bliss with OW and even if they do break up, I don't see him wanting to R with me again. I don't see me wanting to R with him again, logically -- he can't be trusted, clearly.


I hate the finality and the hopelessness of my sitch.



Okay, I'm done with the feelings dump.

[Little]

Maybe I'm not done with the feelings dump.

I miss sex. Emotionally connected sex. I miss making love with someone I connect deeply with. I thought making love is what we were doing for the past 10 years but apparently someone had to dip his wick elsewhere (twice) to be fulfilled.

I'm frustrated and probably PMSing.

[edz]

Hi Little

don't worry collectively we have wide shoulders

Not sure (at least in my case) if having kids helps with this as normally it's more a case of wrangling back and forth or something else to be an area they get to nitpick or push on, maybe that's just me though, my sitch does rather pivot around me and s and our relationship (at least if w is to be believed)

Sorry you're having a dumpy day, I know that feeling from the last few days - I've said this a lot recently but my sitch is different in that (at least to my knowledge) there's no OM (who knows may get a text starting with SUPRISE! one of these days) but I do understand feeling quietly discarded and then left, its especially cr@ppy, as I posted this weekend my thoughts have drifted a little (no pun intended) to wondering if I'd be happier with someone who cares for me as me and wont see me as a plan b if they're not doing something else, all my PMA and 180s are for me but w has to work on problems too if we were to reunite, not the same thing but means I do understand some of what you're feeling if not all of it.

You take care.

Edz

[Little]

Thanks, Edz. I appreciate your support.

I have deep abandonment issues.

My father kidnapped me when I was just a baby. he was abusive to my mother and when she left him, he snuck into her parents' house while she was at work and took me. He didn't want me, though, and dumped me with his parents to raise. I didn't see my mother again for 8 years, because he threatened to kill her and she was much younger than he, and niaeve. It took her a while to get the courage to get me back.

My mother then passed away when I was 20. Lung cancer. 6 months from diagnosis to death. Very hard on me.

My ex-husband and I married when I was 21. He left 3 years later by going to work and not coming home. No one on his side would tell me he was safe and okay because they didn't want to get involved. 3 torturous weeks later I was served with divorce papers. He'd been cheating and moved in with her. I had pretty much no one to depend upon, because my mother was dead and my father has never been in my life and my family is so dysfunctional otherwise I'm not in touch with any of them.

Now, BF. Someone that supposedly loved me for 10 years and I trusted just suddenly exited my life without trying. To say this doesn't make my head spin in all kinds of ways that touch on my sore points would be lying.


I know I have issues. Deeply rooted ones. I'm working on them. There's all this mess, plus the feelings the situation alone have forced me to work through by themselves. Just ugh.

[edz]

Ugh indeed Little.

Im sorry to hear about what you went through in your childhood, none of that can have been easy to process and I certainly know about dealing with feeling abandonment. Didnt have anything of your kind of seriousness but one parent was away with work and the other had constant illness growing up, grandparents lived with us but saw mother and i as some sort of domestics.

Pretty much been self sufficient since 7 or 8 although when my mum was around she spoiled me, made her death from cervical cancer in her early forties much worse for me. As I said nothing of the nature you had but does give me an insight.

I think in my case it led to the pursue/push away circumstance hurting all the more and, as you say, having the other partner plan to exit with plenty of time to adapt to the idea then spring it on you makes it all the harder to take.

You are not alone, we may be just people at the end of a forum post but we can listen and we have a lot of pairs of ears

Again, take care.

[jim0987]

Also: having a hard time with how you spend 10 years with someone as a part of your daily life and then one day you split and insert a new person into their spot and pretend the previous person never existed.

Yes -- he had plenty of time to mentally do the detaching he needed to do to get there, which I was not involved in until the bomb dropped.

It's still bullsh*t.

Because simply put thats the easiest way to do things. If you have a ready made replacement for something then its easier to concentrate on that and avoid missing the old one. You dont have all the fears and stuff that cause such anxiety and make us hold on and you dont have to do it alone. Its easy, unfortunately.

He would have a much harder time if he had a gaping hole where little used to be, but from the way you have described him thats not his style.

But yes, its still bullsh*t.

[Calibri]

((Little))

I feel you on the 10 years part. And the not trying part. I spent the better part of a few months just repeating....."but what about the last 10 years?"

I read (in the most depressing book ever, imo) The Depression Fallout, and they mention something about partners with mental illness/depression -- how they just suddenly cut and run and the person left behind feels like they've been discarded like a piece of trash. It made me feel slightly better, because I felt, and still do to some extent, like trash that was just thrown out. I'm not saying that your BF is mentally ill or depressed, but do know that you're not alone in your thoughts and what's going on.

Do know, that you are not alone. We're all here for you.

[Little]

*hugs to all*

[Sotto]

Little, I also think that whilst your worst time might be now - your BF being all loved up with his new GF - his worst time may well be later. Later, you'll have processed everything and moved forwards in whatever way, knowing you were faithful, did your best etc. and hopefully being in a healthy relationship with someone, or maybe just with yourself.

His 'new' R will in all likelihood come to an end, as it formed on shaky foundations. It may well be a bitter end because lessons won't have been learned. And he has to deal with the fact that he was an unfaithful partner and he walked out without sticking at things and trying to make them work.

I know who I would rather be in three years time....

[Little]

I don't have faith that that's the way things will shake out.

He was with his last partner for 10 years, and he did to her what he did to me; unhappy, cheat when he checked out, walk away.

I saw it, participated in it, and I was shown who he was, then. Stupidly, I didn't believe it. I convinced myself that we were different and he had learned his lesson; he claimed he had and wasn't interested in hurting people like that again.

Until he did it to me, 10 years later. But the depth of the deception and the lies shocks and disturbs me. I didn't know the rabbit hole was that deep. I didn't know this man that I fell in love with could do these types of things.

I'm told by mutual friends that have known him forever that that's his MO; while his first stint of cheating (that anyone is aware of) was the GF before me, he's gone from one R into the next immediately with no more than a week's break in between. Since high school.

He's had ZERO time to work on himself, but the cycle of cheating he's started 20 years ago continues. He doesn't learn and he doesn't care to learn. He some how manages to go X amount of years in relationships convincing himself he's okay, until he's unhappy and unfulfilled and bails again without working on it.

I don't have faith he'll ever learn to be a better person and/or will ever get his just deserts for hurting others. Or wake up and have an OMG moment.. He's just going to float from R to R, unless OW manages to keep him entertained enough to hold on permanently.

Who knows? I want to have faith that he can become someone better, more compassionate, more self-aware, less selfish. But I can't right now.

Jerk.