It's good to see Melissa posting again. I've missed her wit around here.
I tend to agree with a lot of the sentiment here. Okay, so what if the shoe does drop, and you hear what you don't want to hear? Fact is, you've been prepared for this moment for awhile now. It's the new year, and it sounds as though your H wants to start his own personal to-do list.
I'm gonna say what I say because I think after all this time, you know I say this with sincerity. Let me pour you a virtual cup of coffee and rub your back before I do, though.
You are a woman of action and integrity. Let's start off by stating the facts. We know this, you know this and your kids know it. You've faced the music that you don't enjoy and realized things about yourself, your H and your marriage that have left you bewildered, confused, unhappy with status quo and downright angry. I get it, and I'm not taking that away from you.
But expecting him to be honest is like... expecting a cat to bark. From everything you've posted about him, he doesn't like facing unpleasant, uncomfortable or painful truths. He's probably not changed through your separation, so why are you expecting this from him now? Because you've grown? I just don't think that's gonna happen. Then what? He meets your low expectations and you get angry all over again? Because you were hoping he'd choose differently now?
Maybell, my XH was (and maybe still is with other people) one of the most passive aggressive people I know. He would do *anything* to avoid pain, including being emotionally honest when it would be the best thing all around. He actually sent me an e-mail about this time of year in 2005 with a subject line "It is time." He gave me a litany of reasons why it was necessary to proceed with divorce and not reconcile. Although I didn't want to get that in my inbox, expecting him to call me and talk about his feelings would have been insane. He's never been a person to do that, so why was I hoping he'd do things differently? Crap, that very dynamic was very instrumental in getting us where we were. Then... he filed for D on Valentine's day (no f*cking joke) and listed me as the petitioner. He had me sign the papers prior to filing so he didn't have me served at work, which I actually *did* appreciate, but you can bet your ass that I called him on the petitioner thing. His answer? Well, I would have been okay living like this indefinitely or until things changed for me, so I'm giving you the divorce you want. THAT one gobsmacked me.
Anyhoo, back to you.
Hearing the words is not going to be the knife in your back that leaving was. It's merely going to be the final nail in the coffin. Yes, this will probably mean a lot more work for you in the near future. You're going to have to devote your precious time dissolving the business aspect of what is left of your marriage. The emotional part--the HARD part--has already begun.
So my advice? You go to the meeting. You don't talk. You take a notebook and you write down what he says he wants. You don't argue with him or tell him what you want. You come back, mull it over and figure out what you are amenable to doing. And then you pull the trigger with an attorney. For once, you are the one with some power here. A long time ago, someone here told me that the one who leaves will tend to give more because they are the ones who want out the most. I found it to be dead on. I got the house, one of his 401K accounts, and a butt load of child support on top of it. I opted out of spousal support because I was making decent money then and it upgraded my CS formula (which is not taxable income). We each took a kid deduction and were both able to claim head of household.
That being said, from what I've read in your posts, you don't want him back as your husband, at least the person he is right now, and after all the introspection and work you've done on yourself. So what is left to fear?
Hugs. And more hugs.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
