Holy cow - i was reading your post and I could have been the person saying your thoughts - well, change details of course and it's me.
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I feel bitter that I have been shafted so badly by him, that ow is having my promised life, that he gets to have it all and I have to start my life again completely from zero (which if someone else tells me that if I think about it, it is a gift and therapeutic to start over, I will scream; actually it makes me feel terrified, in a panic, depressed and sick !!)
my very very first thought upon discovering ow (2) - was "why should i hand over my life without a "fight".... I cannot flesh out "fight" and still can't. just the thought tho, of making it soooo f'ing easy for her to step in- just replace me like a broken microwave. still makes me mad to articulate it.
I am not big brave , fight-ie girl- but the pain was so bad i thought i'd die for real. no drama - truth. at the very least tho- why should i wimper away like a beaten dog - why should i go sleep at someone elses house and be put out of "my life". so i stuck in there.
your sitch is different of course - but i need to go find your beginning thread since i do not know circumstances.
I'd think heading out on "your new life" would be quite a wake-up call for your h tho, no? it is sooo gutsy sounding to me - leaving country. i fantacize about running away to england (many many happy trips traveling around- love it). the thought of a country where the top fav interests are walking, gardening, - soooo not american, soooooo more "grounded" and real life than this constant quest for more stuff, more money, more technology- must greedy-ish honestly). i love my country- but i think we're on a bad course alot of the time (values & lifestyle wise)
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I have so many good friends and family but they think I am crazy for giving my h any headspace after what he has done. I do understand their point of view – if I stand on the outside and look in I do see what they see now – that I scrimped, saved and sacrificed over the past 24yrs for my H to get the career he wanted and for a bright future for both of us and now he is successful he walks away with no real explanation or reason, hooks up with ow and she get to live the life I was promised
important thing to remember is you have "done something" - you have decided it's a huge decision and you are giving yourself permission to try and ride it out - and at least fully explore it all before deciding something major about your life (and possibly the rest of your life). i used to wake up & lay awake at nite telling myself to "do something" - til i realized after a long long miserable time- i was "doing something". i was deciding to leave the decision til i was absolutely, completely SURE OF SOMETHING. i've been assured many times here that if you sit quietly , wisdom will come.... (in the end)
me, i say - realistically, you're doing what i did (do) so, to me it's what you "gotta do".? iunderstand also- but they do not. this guy is part of you and your life, after allllll those years. it's like telling you you've got to amputate your own leg - here's a plastic knife - go to it.
until it happened to me- i was a jerk saying stuff like that too i fear- i surely had no idea of the depth of pain - i failed my sister whose died (when her husband left) - she couldn't say it- and i did not know. could never have known .... it is a sad sad thing. they are clueless, however well meaning. until your own life is ripped open and thrown on the ground- you can't know.
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....now he is successful he walks away with no real explanation or reason, hooks up with ow and she get to live the life I was promised
a reason::: no kidding- i think they had this " goal" of "success" and when they reached it - and it wasn't immediatly exciting-thrilling- fun all the time - feeling wonderful & HAPPY allllll the time - they freak out and ka-bam- the excitement of new sex & new R. pure ,unthinking "fun" and that feeling you have at beginning. LIKE SOMEONE worships the ground you walk on- it re-juvinates them (permanently? quick-fix?) . does it last forever- i swear idk- the gamble in dbing & "waiting".
four years later- don't ask me how and what the "fight" was other than i didn't walk away and just chuck 36 years just like that (as everyone well-meaning advised). i
thank goodness i found mwd book- saying give it a try (dbing) what have you got to lose?. I felt relieved because even i thought divorce is what you do - when you find your h cheating- you chuck him out. make a big splash- go out in a flame of glory. ( i honestly think it's the movies and tv and media- we're allll brainwashed to thinjk it's what is right thing to do. i think there is a world of people out there who have been thru every variation- i've met some - it amazes me the normal humble people you run into with a giant giant story of equal insanity and un-thinkable-ness. they survive thru it- trhey don't cut & run - they achieved ultimate "success" and are together!!.
i am a "talker" and people could see how quiet and "different" i was- i did find it easier to chat about after awhile- three women i know, long term marriages - turned out to have mlc incidents. i was soooo surprised - they looked so loving and normal - they each db'd as a natural response- didn't know of book. I felt better giving him "space" like you- today they are all back together - amazing what you stumble on when you chat with folks. (one gal's h made her move out into apartment for 3 yrs while he & ow shacked up!!!! they are back together now- ..... who ever woulda knew????
it's out there more than we know-
no glory here. i agree with mwd that if i gave final ultimatum back at beginning when i found out - - he'd choose her. now, i'm not so sure, but I still don't have a new income & a new love to make me sure life won't be waaaaay worse if I "go".
so after my two imnmediate offers to get rite out of his life and disappear forever (before i found mwd book) - i decided no more "making it easy" for him to be shed of me. since he's declined- i have not offered again. his old aunt told me it was a raw deal- i didn't deserve it- and don't give up the house or anything.... hang on, don't make it easy- i was his "rock" - he was selfish but don't give my life away so easy.
if it's wise or stupid- i still don't know. i flip and flop on the answer.
your h's freedom - ha huh?? mine said a million times he loved it about me tht i wasn't "clingy like most women" or needy. what do you think he's said about getting together with ow- "he was helping her thru her divorce" - sooo, picked someone neeeeedy so he could be big cheese amd save her o guess ...
me- i think she was easy and there available when he hit a low point (quit smoking so quite miserable- retired and didn't "know who he was"; bored, unhappy, older, sick dad; didn't know who to be now that he wasn't high-powered attorney with an office full of people to boss around and now he had a cellphone and computer to get back in touch with her (she lives 5 or so hours north of us). like a kid- sexting fun, makes me sick but - ta da - eeeeeeasy thrill fast i guess.
he was telling her and and ow2 (his cousin 2,000 mi away) he loved them- ????.... & visiting for sex. some love huh? he could have chucked me out of his life at any time- I gave no marriage - & no legal rites (yes, i'm sure) ...and he's got all the money. wtf??? he still is here - what could HE be waiting for.
i'm not kidding when i say - ya gotta wonder about their sanity- i do honestly think it's a sort of insanity- or a brain tumor. i still wonder sometimes how a normal intelligent person is so emotionally loused up.
you are sure rite about turning off love () - AND YOU MADE ME LAugh when you said about the well-meaning people who tell you it's actually "a good thing". I like the "God doesn't give us more than we can handle" . what a joke- we get more than we can handle allllll the time- everyone does - . somehow we do it, our animal instinct "to survive". I don't see God as sitting up there poking us to see what we do.
even now, (approaching i think 4 yrs of knowing about ow) - (who, btw was a frieend of mine and his secretary- and he felt compelled to tell me they had "flirtation - no sex" 20 years ago, but "he chose me" back then. ... what crappola huh? it's probably a lie- she had kids and he probably didn't want her with them.
I still get small panic waves over being totally on my own and beginning over- exactly what you say. i guess it's normal and i'm hoping i am. til i do it- and conquer it - i guess i always will. i have not yet thrown in the towel.
rite at beginning- when i said "so, if this is "it" i can be out of your life in a week" and he said two things: "don't go, financially you're better off with me, go when you have something better to go to" (??!!) and "no, i won't just give you my half of the nj house or sell it to you cheap - (this house more "my" place to live) - get a mortgage like everyone else and buy it at full market value" (the ratty rat - he's got tons of $$ but i have no legal rites as we're not married). so for his own reasons - he "kept"me in his life by choice. he's lied (forever i guess) to keep me around. we wonder why and wtf?
Anyway- being terminally practical - and i am - he was rite about me plunging myself into financial hardship & terrible alone-ness. i could easily do it- for awhile (support myself) but buying him out of house would make me poor as hell all the time. that's IF i could find a job that wasn't total garbage - and if anyone would give me a mortgage..... - had me by sh ort hairs.
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My brother had a “pep talk”/lecture (I know he means well) with me. He is really keen that I find a positive in all of this
I can never find what i'd consider a "positive" about experiencing soooomuch pain. it's just bad across the board to be forced to do it. I do marvel now that i'm so less "raw"; that i have developed soooo much patience in life; that i can live in the day so well (took awhile) with no looking back & no looking forward; I am healthy mostly - that i always can appreciate my life is better than most, even when i'm at the bottom- - i see that. i can tell myself and not be a total misery-guts.
you will get to a point of less screaming pain - you won't think of him constantly- it takes a long long time. it's an addiction - perhaps like a smoker we think of it now or then for rest of our lives (even if we split). how wonderful "it tasted" , but bad for us..... i'd think so. what do i know tho???
i only say it because i am surprised i feel it. i loved him sooo completely- & trusted soooo completely - and even finding out he's a liar and rat & cheater soooo completely- i still hesitate to walk away. i don't know what i feel about him now- i don't think i know him now. BUT - there's some kind of a tie still - . who knows what tomorrow will bring tho- he could chuck me this morning in five minutes??? or me him - can ya live like this forever? i wouldn't think so tho.
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and is encouraging me to go and travel as much as possible. It’s always been a desire of mine but I never got to do it as ….guess what … sacrificed all travel for h to get his degree and move on up the career ladder which meant moving lots …. So he is really encouraging/pushing me to be brave and just do it – work the summer season in the UK and then go discover the world. – In his words “what is the worst that can happen? You have nothing left to lose”
wow - the traveling... sounds lovely. i love traveling , but have never done it completely alone. i wonder all the time if it would be great (or nearly as good as it used to be with someone). reading your post- i hear your brother saying what have you got to lose? and for me- he's probably rite. If i did - it would certainly illustrate that i'm not unable to go do something fun & "exciting? by my self. (would it actually be fun & ezxciting- idk) i'm trying to make myself go take a trip to visit my neice in San Francisco. All my travels in life were with my sister (who died in 2008) and h. I've had a constant compaion my entire life- sister 1 yr younger- 1st h, t his one - i like my solitude, but do "all alone" less well.
so - are you from UK? is that why summer in UK? i will go find your old thread. you've given me a perk-up this morning. i feel your pain- i remember every stinkin step of the way- i am glad to not be sooooo hurting now.
this morning i'm in nj - it got cold after a lovely day yesterday (did tons of yard work i needed to) - i had a busy weekend. I had non-stop stuff to do with friends & 16 yr old neice - all spontaneously. had fun . h left last wed. and hasn't called (which nmeans he was seeing ow). he's such a jerk- i notice it - i don't feel sick like i used to. i hate knowing it - no mistake about it. i notice i'm here alone at nite and he's out there "whooping it up?" with her. I can hardly remenmber sex (hoping it all conmes back someday, "like riding a bike" . i miss being loved most of all. resisted so far getting a dog. so- we were living together last six weeks - now i'm trying to adjust (for the millionth time being all by self for 3 weeks). idk-
i am numb kind of about it. i'm grateful not to be washed over with pain and resentment and shaking with anger. i'm aware & mildly mad about it while i go about my life. idk if this is good or bad).
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BUT it’s not that simple as you well know and that is why I am so grateful I have found you all; love is a very powerful emotion.
you are so rite. I always thougth it was the most important thing in life. i see people all around me sad without it- my sisters, my mom when she was alive, almost everyone i know who is not "with" someone, wishes they had someone. i wonder if i am/was rite or wrong ??even when h was ratty but i "thought" he loved me and was "going thru something" (but i had no idea he's cheating) - i could cope because of love. now everything has changed because i feel un-loved. it's a mess isn't it?
i need to go find your thread & get on wi th my life today. tons to do as usual. good luck. i hope i'm not 'dumping" on you- but somehow conveying you that like me and alot of folks (i'd never have believed it) will morph beyond this raw pain stage - but it takes quite alot of time and you're soooo newly mangled- be easy on yourself. vent & rant alot- somehow it's all got to get out into the light of day- til your brain gets tired of thinking about it, figuring, trying to understand. there does not seem to be any complicated "answer" - they freaked out for their own little reason and found a quick-fix. i feel relieved sometimes to think it's sooooooo "common and cheesy" and/or sad that he could 'do this to me" and be so selfish. idk man - human nature &love - killers huh?
