The book of Lou - Chapter 2

[job]

I'm glad you posted and are doing okay. Christmas can be such an ordeal for anyone who is facing time alone because of the crisis or the death of a partner. It's not easy because Christmas is all about family and friend time.

I'm sure you would much rather have a place of your own right now so that you can have peace and quiet and just do whatever you want w/o feeling like a guest all of the time. You are going to experience a lot of emotional turmoil for a while and it's normal. Don't beat yourself up if you have a good cry or don't wish to do things w/family and friends. You've got to have time and space to heal.

Getting through each day is a second and/or a minute at a time. Be kind to yourself and if you don't feel like doing anything, then don't. No one says you have to be the happy person and on the move 24/7. You are hurting and grieving and it does take time.

Please take care of yourself.

[Georgiabelle]

Wow Lou! I'm glad so many peeps chimed in on your thread to offer support. What you feel is completely understandable at this juncture. I think it's great that you are enjoying walks on the beach (it's a good exfoliator for the feet too:) as I find it a soothing way to process my thoughts.

Try to enjoy your trip. It sounds like you have many good ideas about what you want your life to look like. The vets are right-there is a lot of living for you to do.

In regards to your h, AJ is spot on. It does take a while to truly realize their behaviors aren't normal because, well, it just seems so unbelievable when you witness it. And your MIL....they frequently say "z is so happy now"-whatever that means. Job is right that you need to be kind to yourself. No one gets a medal for not expressing their feelings. If you need to cry, cry. Just try to laugh. It really is good medicine.

Enjoy this time:-)

[NLW]

Hi Lou, Just wanted to say, please keep going. You have done a big thing in getting on that plane and travelling. Massive.

You are spot on with understanding that you need to give things time.

That really is the key. There is no way around it.

I pounded the beach as a way of dealing with my sitch, and for the first year, I got little solace out of it. Eventually though, it came to be a good place for me and I started to talk to people and run into acquaintances there.

Like you, I also became sensitive to the way other couples interacted and saw how good, in many ways, my relationship had been. It still seems surreal to me, from time to time, that my XH has gone. But.... I've come to accept that that is what MLC is.

All I can confirm, at this stage, is that things DO get better with time. It takes a while though, but please keep on keeping on.

Thinking of you.

[123Gwen]

Lou - you are so brave and starting the year off with such clarity. I don't think you are giving yourself enough credit for just having the determination to reboot your life. I mean this is early days and you are not letting H's choices define your life.

You haven't been home in 8 years. Even without all the personal upheaval, gaining your footing after 8 years is going to take some time. Be kind to yourself and know you have lots of support here.

You are just getting started on this new path but your attitude is going to help you make great strides in this new year. {{{hugs}}}}

[nero]

hi lou-

Wow- brave you heading out on a trip and dealing with relatives you haven't seen in a long time. good luck with them all . i wanted to hide out totally. (well- i always felt like running right away- to a new country/life - but that wouldn't fix anything really) my animal instinct - hide while you're overly "vulnerable" -

this got long- so sorry about that - just ditch it and don't read if it's a bore.

You're here so that's good - I am sorry about that , but it will help you ALOT. I THINK it's "saved" me, the support i find here. (i cannot make myself go back and think about the pain of the start of all this for me - too bad to ever go back there).... you'll get thru it- this place will help you. not being the only one and alone with it is huge.

I am Sorry to say it- but you have to learn to be patient with yourself - all we can do is suck it all up- work thru the intense pain & treason as best you can- one day after a long long time you'll stop asking your brain "how could he" and "why" - that was a MAJOR breaktrhu after what seemed like forever - Remember in book where mwd says "howwever long it takes, it feels like a million times longer"? , that is soooo true. just plod forward and discard any thoughts of quick success or "recuperation". that sounds crumnmie - but my experience is that any "improvement" in my ability to cope, lessening of pain, all came slowly. talk - pick friends who love you & will support anything you feel - the people who will work hard at seeing your point of view & respect it).and not just trot out dopey , popular old advice .

at the very beginning someone sent me a little perspective instruction, something like "see it as an automobile accident. first thing- just breath, then stop the bleeding, then try moving, then , well, can't remember, but i do remember thinking yeah- i can breath.....

I told myself a million times and still do - all i have to do is just get thru today, and then just try and get some sleep tonite- it is totally true that one day at a time needs to be our matra. i still tell myself "you can always chuck it all tomorrow".

don't feel badly or let anyone judge your quickness to move on and be totally recovered - and prepare yourself for a long time of "withdrawal" from your prior life most people, it seems, initially have the attitude of "well, just dump him, you deserve better, you're great" , etc) it is meant to comfort and but is really kind of unthinking. they do not understand (as i did not understand) the decimation a lbs feels - i'm ashamed now i didn't do better with people i'd known in past (before mlc in my own life. i actuaally said dopey things like that, he's not worth it, etc. sooo shallow of nme - - i never could've envisioned the total life-threatening pain & numbness one could feel. and how long it takes to overcome it. now i see, have been there - til it happens to you- it would seem impossible to 'get" the depth of destruction.

it does get less painful- i'm grateful for that. Tho, i'd say it was a couple years before i began to be "painless" daily. (unless you run into someone new that loves you madly- that could probably really speed up the process). i have no "heart" to look around - and no one has come knocking on my door. i'm like the dog that comes back to t heir old home for years after the family ditched him. some dumb beast that just goes on instinct. (sad but true- maybe anyway)

we can't quickly (& honestly) shut off love of many many years ... it's not what it used to be , but still some kind of "tie" holds me. 'm workin on it still - maybe forever??? but little landmarks do come- you will unwittingly just proceed out of this awful awful period - more patience is required than you ever thought you had or could muster- but you will....

the "pain" now is more just duller & snmaller and flits in and out sometimes..it's not "bleeding" tho. i do believe now - objectively - it is more about him than me being suddenly awful. am not even "going there" to begin thinking of allll the "he did, i did," etc - I find now, after 3 years post bomb - stopping talking about it and thinking about it and trying and trying to figure it out, is a big step forward. It just happened - but it was good to talk it over and share my misery when it was fresh. it will help you alot.

neither of us is/was perfect- i think the things in his life that happened and bothered him- he just took one of the quickest "fix" steps - affair with someone around in the wings always available & willing.

pitiful that so complex & long and good a life with me became wiped away in the blink of an eye (it feels like) because the excitement of feeling desireable (big time & newly & excitingly) was so easy and quick a solution to life's issues (for him) I gave him a ton more credit - dopey me. . cripes! flattering huh? no wonder our ego and self-opinion gets bashed to death.

i have to admit- if i met someone i liked alot and he adored the ground i walked on- i'd probably (now) take it and blow h out of the old airlock . I never wanted to cheat - i don't know how people can in good conscience. oh well- no conscience? idk...(their issues/problem)


It's hard (i thought) to deal with almost anyone back when i was newly "destroyed" (well- dramatic, but felt like it) by finding out about h's ow, etc. We had lived together 36 yrs then, (it's about 3 yrs later now - we have 2 houses so spend time together & apart. I think perhaps that is harder - when i'm with him sometimes i can imagine being DONE with this & him. when we're apart - i am lonely and sometimes i forget, like you, it's all gone belly-up . my mind still reverts to it's habit of many years. I do not now think of him alllllll the time- which i actually did for the bulk of my adult life. it's better for my happiness levels - bad theoretically i think because it's me letting go of him and "that life". i'm not sure about my "hope" levels anymore. still ahve some i guess because i'm here...???idk where this will end for us...

i'm such a dedicated and loyal animal- he was (is?) part of who i am. i have tons of issues with walking away from him entirely. lots of "junk" in my life last bunch of years- me, money, family, death, no kids, lots & lots. etc. same for everyone i 'd think. since i'm not forced & he's gotten lots nicer - even more difficult to plunge myself into hardships of a few other varieties. it's surely not easy or quick.


i miss love in my life tho - i don't think that will ever go away - i'm not going to die from this (i now realize) so who knows what the future can hold? forgive the really well-meaning nutballs who tell you go on line and in five minutes you can have a new life, job, love, look, etc. it's like dieting- quick to pr escribe - really takes tons of willpower & time to get thru this & all the attendant damage to our psyches. imho anyway.

As everyone says (and it's hard as heck to believe) - the pain and shock does lessen. I am not "cured" and tra la'ing on in life- but i am not sooooooo mortified on a daily basis. i'm dragging my feet because i cannot truly (still) decide if this guy should be in my life in any capacity or out of it totally. it seems to be an all or nothing decision. i am living in compromise- but it's not so hot...

I'd say, the forum & chatting with people who are in the sanme boat- have been thru it- have input- will help a ton. come here and "get it all out". even if ya feel pathetic and icky about it - it's theraputic and i think people that keep it in, and don't talk thru troubles in life, end up with even bigger ones. (i want to say mlc - ta da- i believe if my h could ever just be normal and share his thoughts and feelings - perhaps we wouldn't be where we are?) If you have or find a friend that's been thru something similar- it is amazing how comforting it is to have someone just listen and for you to get it out.

The beach walking is great - if you find yourself just thinking and thinking (waaay too much) - try doing stomach crunches while walking. perk up our bodies - exercise for you &your mental & physical health and force yourself to do it. I walk and many times have stormed out of house & done it to just get myself out, moving and not thinking - busy doing something "proeductive" and it's a great outlet.

i also have a couple friends who can understand my point of view- and don't judge or preach. women like me- in marriages for 30+ years - they do "get" how awful they'd feel and it's not a simple matter of walking away and feeling okay. . it's part of you by now - extricating from a lifetime habit (addiction for me) it's hugely complicated "problem".

you'll get thru it- because you want to. the only easy answers are probably not the best ones. good luck - hang on

xxo

[LouR]

Thanks job, georgiabelle,NLW, gwen and nero, I am humbled that so many of you give your support and advice, it’s so good to have people who completely understand. I hope one day I will be in position to offer helpful advice and wise insights to someone else going through this.

I have so many good friends and family but they think I am crazy for giving my h any headspace after what he has done. I do understand their point of view – if I stand on the outside and look in I do see what they see now – that I scrimped, saved and sacrificed over the past 24yrs for my H to get the career he wanted and for a bright future for both of us and now he is successful he walks away with no real explanation or reason, hooks up with ow and she get to live the life I was promised and to top it off no money is left for me to start again as he used it to get to the position he is now in work wise.

BUT it’s not that simple as you well know and that is why I am so grateful I have found you all; love is a very powerful emotion.

I don't consider what I am doing (the sabbatical) as brave, it was a matter of sanity – a need more than a want. I needed to take control over my life which I felt was spinning. I don't know if this is a right move yet, only time will tell and I figure it can’t get any worse!

Here’s an update – a page or 4 in chapter 2.

So NYE I went out on my own – yep, forced myself to do it. I saw a few people out that I knew but they were mainly in groups of their own so I had a couple of drinks in the local pub and made small talk with someone stood nearby, then went to another bar and stood near a group so I did not look like I was on my own (sad lady all alone on NYE) and then 11.30pm I gave in and went home in time to watch the fireworks from my bedroom window (which actually turned out to be a fantastic viewing point). Felt awkward and out of place, but I did it and survived.

I have started applying for jobs and putting feelers out for seasonal work too – have had a few say they have jobs available but none have committed to giving me one so far. I hope to get something soon -

Home wise – still in my brother’s house. One of his apartments has become available but he wants/needs to charge me full rent as it is part of the business, I really can’t afford it – well I can, but then would not be able to save anything as with rent and bills it will take all my wages and that’s only if I can get a full time job soon. So I have been sensible and turned it down. I do miss my own space, I am finding it very hard to adjust to a bedroom after my own 3 bed house, but hey, beggars can’t be choosers and I am grateful I have a roof over my head …. Plus its free !!

Mentally/Feelings wise – very mixed. H is still very much in the front of my thoughts and the movie plays on, although a little slower now. I feel bitter that I have been shafted so badly by him, that ow is having my promised life, that he gets to have it all and I have to start my life again completely from zero (which if someone else tells me that if I think about it, it is a gift and therapeutic to start over, I will scream; actually it makes me feel terrified, in a panic, depressed and sick !!)

However I do find it completely ironic that h left for freedom because he felt like his life was suffocating him, and he has got himself stuck with a stressful job, another women and her 2 young kids, getting into debt to fund his status and her. And I am the one who has the freedom to do as I please lol - perhaps I missed the point of what he meant by Freedom.

My brother had a “pep talk”/lecture (I know he means well) with me. He is really keen that I find a positive in all of this and is encouraging me to go and travel as much as possible. It’s always been a desire of mine but I never got to do it as ….guess what … sacrificed all travel for h to get his degree and move on up the career ladder which meant moving lots …. So he is really encouraging/pushing me to be brave and just do it – work the summer season in the UK and then go discover the world. – In his words “what is the worst that can happen? You have nothing left to lose”

I do see his point, but I have lost all confidence in myself and the thought of travelling the world on my own is terrifying to me ….

I suppose this is what this time here is all about – to get my confidence back, to heal and start to rebuild myself.

I don't know what is happening with my m – h told me last Oct that it’s completely over for him, he hopes I find someone new that will treat me how I really deserve to be treated. Yeah, apart from I wanted it to be him that treats me how I deserve, not someone else.

I do still wonder if he ever thinks about me or us, if he will ever regret this or if he will be happy and it is the best decision he has ever made for himself (as he told me it was a few months ago). Until I am told otherwise I suppose I need to accept that this is it, over. That seems the easy part – falling out of love, now that seems an impossible task.

So still pounding the beach and the hills, staying out longer and longer – trying to make sense of all of this and think about what I want to do – and if I can realistically make these things happen. Getting fitter and toning up – that’s a positive :o)

[123Gwen]

Lou - You are AMAZING! I am in awe you went out NYE. I feel asleep early just to avoid it. You went out into the world and enjoyed the fireworks too. BRAVO! BRAVO!

I completely understand about well meaning friends with well meaning platitudes and advice. You said it best when you observed it is not that simple. Lately I have realized that love is not that simple either...I love my husband but that love is so very complicated. How can it not be after 25 years? Right now the love I feel is evolving and I am not sure what that means. My hunch is that your feelings are evolving as well.

It really is ironic that your H is more stuck than ever. MLC certainly defies logic. If you think about the absurdity of H with debt, OW and 2 young kids. I have to admit your options are much more enticing. Also logically people who have to tell you something is the best decision they ever made is trying more to convince himself than you.

Lou I can already tell that your future is going to be full of great experiences and interesting people. You are open to life and to all the glorious possibilities. Even in the dark days you are focusing on the positive.

Because you are a hiker I wanted to suggest a book you may enjoy. It is called Wild by Cheryl Strayed. She writes about her 1000 mile hike on the Pacific Coast Trail from the US/Mexican border north into Canada. It focuses on how she lost everything after the death of her mother and her divorce but she found herself on the trail. She is a beautiful writer about grief, love, loss and redemption. You may want to check it out. There is also a movie but I don't know if it is in the UK yet.

Lou, this is still really, really early. You are adjusting to so much. Be patient and be kind. One day at a time brave lady.

[LouR]

Thank you Gwen - that is such a lovely thing to say. I think you are amazing and brave; anyone who is able to support and give pearls of their wisdom whilst going through this themselves is an inspiration to me.

I am in awe of everyone here - I read and follow as many stories as I can and take away something from each of them. Everyone has such different stories yet we are all the same - I am in awe of those who remain faithful in the belief of their m, of those who decide enough is enough and it time to focus on themselves, of those who has stood the time and are now reconciled with their loved one and of those who have gone on to make happier lives for themselves. Each and everyone is an inspiration, a brave and amazing person.

Gwen - you are doing so well yourself - its still early in the process for you. Please don't compare how you are doing to others as everyone is different. I think you are doing fantastic, as I said, you are helping me along the path, so be proud of yourself. - pat on the back time :o) -

At the same time I hope that anything I do may help you along your path - if I can do it, you can do it sort of thing. Is there anything you have always wanted to do or anywhere you have always wanted to go? Dream's are free :o) Can you imagine making them reality one day, wow, how great would that be ........ I know it is really cliche but the saying it so true " you only get one life and only you can live it". Choose to live it Gwen.

I can assure you that the "outer" me is not the same as the "inner" me - I push myself to GAL, I doubt myself all the time, I feel like I have two little imps, one on each shoulder, arguing - do it, don't do it. I MAKE myself do stuff, most of the time I feel uncomfortable and awkward, but I do it anyway as one day I may enjoy what i am doing or where I am, I would have missed out on something good.

Keep moving forwards Gwen - day by day, hour by hour if necessary. Its the way I live, never going too far ahead - having my dreams but allowing things to change along the way .... you will be fine, I know you will, I believe in you

[Karma12]

Lou I think you are very brave. I'm new posting but have been reading these boards for a long time. Keep up the PMA👍

[nero]

hi lou-

Holy cow - i was reading your post and I could have been the person saying your thoughts - well, change details of course and it's me.

I feel bitter that I have been shafted so badly by him, that ow is having my promised life, that he gets to have it all and I have to start my life again completely from zero (which if someone else tells me that if I think about it, it is a gift and therapeutic to start over, I will scream; actually it makes me feel terrified, in a panic, depressed and sick !!)

my very very first thought upon discovering ow (2) - was "why should i hand over my life without a "fight".... I cannot flesh out "fight" and still can't. just the thought tho, of making it soooo f'ing easy for her to step in- just replace me like a broken microwave. still makes me mad to articulate it.

I am not big brave , fight-ie girl- but the pain was so bad i thought i'd die for real. no drama - truth. at the very least tho- why should i wimper away like a beaten dog - why should i go sleep at someone elses house and be put out of "my life". so i stuck in there.

your sitch is different of course - but i need to go find your beginning thread since i do not know circumstances.

I'd think heading out on "your new life" would be quite a wake-up call for your h tho, no? it is sooo gutsy sounding to me - leaving country. i fantacize about running away to england (many many happy trips traveling around- love it). the thought of a country where the top fav interests are walking, gardening, - soooo not american, soooooo more "grounded" and real life than this constant quest for more stuff, more money, more technology- must greedy-ish honestly). i love my country- but i think we're on a bad course alot of the time (values & lifestyle wise)

I have so many good friends and family but they think I am crazy for giving my h any headspace after what he has done. I do understand their point of view – if I stand on the outside and look in I do see what they see now – that I scrimped, saved and sacrificed over the past 24yrs for my H to get the career he wanted and for a bright future for both of us and now he is successful he walks away with no real explanation or reason, hooks up with ow and she get to live the life I was promised

important thing to remember is you have "done something" - you have decided it's a huge decision and you are giving yourself permission to try and ride it out - and at least fully explore it all before deciding something major about your life (and possibly the rest of your life). i used to wake up & lay awake at nite telling myself to "do something" - til i realized after a long long miserable time- i was "doing something". i was deciding to leave the decision til i was absolutely, completely SURE OF SOMETHING. i've been assured many times here that if you sit quietly , wisdom will come.... (in the end)

me, i say - realistically, you're doing what i did (do) so, to me it's what you "gotta do".? iunderstand also- but they do not. this guy is part of you and your life, after allllll those years. it's like telling you you've got to amputate your own leg - here's a plastic knife - go to it.

until it happened to me- i was a jerk saying stuff like that too i fear- i surely had no idea of the depth of pain - i failed my sister whose died (when her husband left) - she couldn't say it- and i did not know. could never have known .... it is a sad sad thing. they are clueless, however well meaning. until your own life is ripped open and thrown on the ground- you can't know.

....now he is successful he walks away with no real explanation or reason, hooks up with ow and she get to live the life I was promised

a reason::: no kidding- i think they had this " goal" of "success" and when they reached it - and it wasn't immediatly exciting-thrilling- fun all the time - feeling wonderful & HAPPY allllll the time - they freak out and ka-bam- the excitement of new sex & new R. pure ,unthinking "fun" and that feeling you have at beginning. LIKE SOMEONE worships the ground you walk on- it re-juvinates them (permanently? quick-fix?) . does it last forever- i swear idk- the gamble in dbing & "waiting".


four years later- don't ask me how and what the "fight" was other than i didn't walk away and just chuck 36 years just like that (as everyone well-meaning advised). i

thank goodness i found mwd book- saying give it a try (dbing) what have you got to lose?. I felt relieved because even i thought divorce is what you do - when you find your h cheating- you chuck him out. make a big splash- go out in a flame of glory. ( i honestly think it's the movies and tv and media- we're allll brainwashed to thinjk it's what is right thing to do. i think there is a world of people out there who have been thru every variation- i've met some - it amazes me the normal humble people you run into with a giant giant story of equal insanity and un-thinkable-ness. they survive thru it- trhey don't cut & run - they achieved ultimate "success" and are together!!.

i am a "talker" and people could see how quiet and "different" i was- i did find it easier to chat about after awhile- three women i know, long term marriages - turned out to have mlc incidents. i was soooo surprised - they looked so loving and normal - they each db'd as a natural response- didn't know of book. I felt better giving him "space" like you- today they are all back together - amazing what you stumble on when you chat with folks. (one gal's h made her move out into apartment for 3 yrs while he & ow shacked up!!!! they are back together now- ..... who ever woulda knew????

it's out there more than we know-

no glory here. i agree with mwd that if i gave final ultimatum back at beginning when i found out - - he'd choose her. now, i'm not so sure, but I still don't have a new income & a new love to make me sure life won't be waaaaay worse if I "go".

so after my two imnmediate offers to get rite out of his life and disappear forever (before i found mwd book) - i decided no more "making it easy" for him to be shed of me. since he's declined- i have not offered again. his old aunt told me it was a raw deal- i didn't deserve it- and don't give up the house or anything.... hang on, don't make it easy- i was his "rock" - he was selfish but don't give my life away so easy.

if it's wise or stupid- i still don't know. i flip and flop on the answer.

your h's freedom - ha huh?? mine said a million times he loved it about me tht i wasn't "clingy like most women" or needy. what do you think he's said about getting together with ow- "he was helping her thru her divorce" - sooo, picked someone neeeeedy so he could be big cheese amd save her o guess ...

me- i think she was easy and there available when he hit a low point (quit smoking so quite miserable- retired and didn't "know who he was"; bored, unhappy, older, sick dad; didn't know who to be now that he wasn't high-powered attorney with an office full of people to boss around and now he had a cellphone and computer to get back in touch with her (she lives 5 or so hours north of us). like a kid- sexting fun, makes me sick but - ta da - eeeeeeasy thrill fast i guess.

he was telling her and and ow2 (his cousin 2,000 mi away) he loved them- ????.... & visiting for sex. some love huh? he could have chucked me out of his life at any time- I gave no marriage - & no legal rites (yes, i'm sure) ...and he's got all the money. wtf??? he still is here - what could HE be waiting for.

i'm not kidding when i say - ya gotta wonder about their sanity- i do honestly think it's a sort of insanity- or a brain tumor. i still wonder sometimes how a normal intelligent person is so emotionally loused up.

you are sure rite about turning off love () - AND YOU MADE ME LAugh when you said about the well-meaning people who tell you it's actually "a good thing". I like the "God doesn't give us more than we can handle" . what a joke- we get more than we can handle allllll the time- everyone does - . somehow we do it, our animal instinct "to survive". I don't see God as sitting up there poking us to see what we do.

even now, (approaching i think 4 yrs of knowing about ow) - (who, btw was a frieend of mine and his secretary- and he felt compelled to tell me they had "flirtation - no sex" 20 years ago, but "he chose me" back then. ... what crappola huh? it's probably a lie- she had kids and he probably didn't want her with them.

I still get small panic waves over being totally on my own and beginning over- exactly what you say. i guess it's normal and i'm hoping i am. til i do it- and conquer it - i guess i always will. i have not yet thrown in the towel.

rite at beginning- when i said "so, if this is "it" i can be out of your life in a week" and he said two things: "don't go, financially you're better off with me, go when you have something better to go to" (??!!) and "no, i won't just give you my half of the nj house or sell it to you cheap - (this house more "my" place to live) - get a mortgage like everyone else and buy it at full market value" (the ratty rat - he's got tons of $$ but i have no legal rites as we're not married). so for his own reasons - he "kept"me in his life by choice. he's lied (forever i guess) to keep me around. we wonder why and wtf?

Anyway- being terminally practical - and i am - he was rite about me plunging myself into financial hardship & terrible alone-ness. i could easily do it- for awhile (support myself) but buying him out of house would make me poor as hell all the time. that's IF i could find a job that wasn't total garbage - and if anyone would give me a mortgage..... - had me by sh ort hairs.

My brother had a “pep talk”/lecture (I know he means well) with me. He is really keen that I find a positive in all of this

I can never find what i'd consider a "positive" about experiencing soooomuch pain. it's just bad across the board to be forced to do it. I do marvel now that i'm so less "raw"; that i have developed soooo much patience in life; that i can live in the day so well (took awhile) with no looking back & no looking forward; I am healthy mostly - that i always can appreciate my life is better than most, even when i'm at the bottom- - i see that. i can tell myself and not be a total misery-guts.

you will get to a point of less screaming pain - you won't think of him constantly- it takes a long long time. it's an addiction - perhaps like a smoker we think of it now or then for rest of our lives (even if we split). how wonderful "it tasted" , but bad for us..... i'd think so. what do i know tho???

i only say it because i am surprised i feel it. i loved him sooo completely- & trusted soooo completely - and even finding out he's a liar and rat & cheater soooo completely- i still hesitate to walk away. i don't know what i feel about him now- i don't think i know him now. BUT - there's some kind of a tie still - . who knows what tomorrow will bring tho- he could chuck me this morning in five minutes??? or me him - can ya live like this forever? i wouldn't think so tho.

and is encouraging me to go and travel as much as possible. It’s always been a desire of mine but I never got to do it as ….guess what … sacrificed all travel for h to get his degree and move on up the career ladder which meant moving lots …. So he is really encouraging/pushing me to be brave and just do it – work the summer season in the UK and then go discover the world. – In his words “what is the worst that can happen? You have nothing left to lose”

wow - the traveling... sounds lovely. i love traveling , but have never done it completely alone. i wonder all the time if it would be great (or nearly as good as it used to be with someone). reading your post- i hear your brother saying what have you got to lose? and for me- he's probably rite. If i did - it would certainly illustrate that i'm not unable to go do something fun & "exciting? by my self. (would it actually be fun & ezxciting- idk) i'm trying to make myself go take a trip to visit my neice in San Francisco. All my travels in life were with my sister (who died in 2008) and h. I've had a constant compaion my entire life- sister 1 yr younger- 1st h, t his one - i like my solitude, but do "all alone" less well.

so - are you from UK? is that why summer in UK? i will go find your old thread. you've given me a perk-up this morning. i feel your pain- i remember every stinkin step of the way- i am glad to not be sooooo hurting now.

this morning i'm in nj - it got cold after a lovely day yesterday (did tons of yard work i needed to) - i had a busy weekend. I had non-stop stuff to do with friends & 16 yr old neice - all spontaneously. had fun . h left last wed. and hasn't called (which nmeans he was seeing ow). he's such a jerk- i notice it - i don't feel sick like i used to. i hate knowing it - no mistake about it. i notice i'm here alone at nite and he's out there "whooping it up?" with her. I can hardly remenmber sex (hoping it all conmes back someday, "like riding a bike" . i miss being loved most of all. resisted so far getting a dog. so- we were living together last six weeks - now i'm trying to adjust (for the millionth time being all by self for 3 weeks). idk-

i am numb kind of about it. i'm grateful not to be washed over with pain and resentment and shaking with anger. i'm aware & mildly mad about it while i go about my life. idk if this is good or bad).

BUT it’s not that simple as you well know and that is why I am so grateful I have found you all; love is a very powerful emotion.

you are so rite. I always thougth it was the most important thing in life. i see people all around me sad without it- my sisters, my mom when she was alive, almost everyone i know who is not "with" someone, wishes they had someone. i wonder if i am/was rite or wrong ??even when h was ratty but i "thought" he loved me and was "going thru something" (but i had no idea he's cheating) - i could cope because of love. now everything has changed because i feel un-loved. it's a mess isn't it?

i need to go find your thread & get on wi th my life today. tons to do as usual. good luck. i hope i'm not 'dumping" on you- but somehow conveying you that like me and alot of folks (i'd never have believed it) will morph beyond this raw pain stage - but it takes quite alot of time and you're soooo newly mangled- be easy on yourself. vent & rant alot- somehow it's all got to get out into the light of day- til your brain gets tired of thinking about it, figuring, trying to understand. there does not seem to be any complicated "answer" - they freaked out for their own little reason and found a quick-fix. i feel relieved sometimes to think it's sooooooo "common and cheesy" and/or sad that he could 'do this to me" and be so selfish. idk man - human nature &love - killers huh?

xxoo (( )) hang on- one more day