Jim0987 #9 - Blackholes, cats and overanalysis

[jim0987]

There are a couple of things she said in all of it that jumped out at me but i'm trying not to get into one of my overanalysing loops about it, or get any hope up. particularly the stuff about my changes and she MAY have said she is still in love with me (a bit of a confused statement that was quickly 'clarified')

As final as her moving feels, and as worried as i am by the lack of opportunity to show her a good me I realise that the only way she will have any chance to heal is when the tension of agreeing the seperation is removed and she no longer feels I can hurt her (I wouldnt but its what she fears). That will only happen when she has moved out. I just want to park this as it was all quite emotional and a lot of 'stuff' was said.

I also know that a lot of my issues with the move are about my fears of being alone, of the rejection being complete and that much as though I want her to be happy I fear that her being happy without me just proves that i was all the things she says about me. I also fear becoming more like my parents who are still so bitter about their divorce 20 years later - my mum has been on her own ever since (her disabilities got a lot worse).

I do second guess my self on the conflict avoidance thing because I never start it but if i get into one i usually have to 'win' and as my wife says thats hard going. So for me its difficult to know how much of my negative reactions to some of these discussions is due to wife's spew or my lack of control.

Anyways i'm making some good changes in me and am so much more aware of all of this than before BD. If nothing else these are good things to come out of this hideousness



Right now the way I look at it is that i'm currently Jim Mk 7 and looking to take delivery of an upgraded Jim Mk 8 sometime in the next few weeks.