H came over today to see S8 and things were a bit awkward after the last time I saw him and he told me he "felt like a dirt bag". I tried to ignore the tension in the room but it was there. H even brought it up by apologizing for the other night and saying he was sorry he freaked me out. And that he loved the sex and know he is giving me mixed signals and how hard that must be. But that he feels much better now and isn't in his head anymore.
As he was leaving I mentioned that S8 and I may have found a place. I told him it was a 1 bedroom and that I would have to give up our dog, but that it was all I could afford. He said that wasn't okay and he didn't want that for us. I started to get teary-eyed and just replied that it was fine and S8 and I would be okay. He said, no, it's not okay and that's why your crying. He also told me he wasn't rushing us out of the house and that it was just as much my home as it was his. But I told him that honestly it felt weird being here. Then he left.
I know crying isn't a part of DB and I know I probably came across as weak again, but I couldn't help it. I tried to be strong by saying all was okay when I could have lashed out at H, called him names, or even added to his guilt by throwing myself a verbal pity party. But instead I tried to smile through the tears and reinforced that I would be okay.
A part of me thinks that maybe it's okay that I showed a little emotion. I'm human right? And truthfully, all of this, everything that H is doing is NOT okay. Maybe he needed to see that. Maybe he needs to let that sink in a little.
But next time I see him, I will definitely be strong and showing off my PMA. I may have shed some tears H, but I am stronger and braver than you think.
Me 26 ; H 26 S 8 Married less than a year Bomb 9/15/14 H moves out 9/15/14 H Files 11/21/14 Served D papers 12/31/14
