Sorry the holidays succked for you. I think part of that is because you still look to him to make your life better.
He cant do that...only you can.
So, first of all, you arent an idiot for giving him some gifts to open. It was a kind, loving thing to do. The problem was you had expectations. You cant have any where he is concerned.
Second of all, it is not ok about the money, S. Trust me when I tell you that. My xh had $60,000 in debt I knew nothing about because he had the bills sent elsewhere. I was responsible for half in the divorce. Yea...you read that right. Didnt matter that I didnt know.
You cannot live your life in fear, S. You have to take care of you and your daughter.
If you continue to worry about upsetting him, you continue to give him all the power. Thats not ok. You need to take it back.
Who do you want to see when you look back at this time in your life? Who do you want your daughter to see?
You cannot continue to hinge your happiness, your life, your feelings of self worth on him. What a burden to him, what a disservice to you.
If he wants a divorce, he will get one no matter what you do.
So, what does facing your fears look like? What if you did and you knew that you would be ok?
You can do this, S. We all believe that. Time for you to believe it, too.
Maybell, I don't know for sure that the $2,000 was used for escort(s) but I'm afraid to even ask.
I declined his invitation. He wanted to come over to get D's backpack, I told him I'd leave it outside. I just need some freaking space and you're right, Maybell, I'm under no obligation to hang out with someone who causes me pain.
It has been a good solo day. Saw the sunrise, opened all the doors of the house to air it out, blasted MY music as I put away the Christmas decorations. No help, just me and it was nice.
I struggle with so much of this stuff. Labug, I might be looking to him for signals on who to be but much less now than before. Around him I don't know who I am. I'm mother and organizer, planner and suggester but inside I'm sad and hurt, quiet and crushed and tired. When I'm not around him I need a few days to recover and find where I put myself and then I'm smiley and lighter and having fun with D and not too hard on myself. I need to reconcile the two Sses.
H just texted (I'm finding I roll my eyes at his texting tone now) saying he understood that I didn't want to hang out today but that D really wants to see me and would I be willing to say goodnight in person at Starbucks. He said, "I can sit in a different place".
He gets it that it's him I don't want to hang out with, clearly. I miss my D so much it hurts so that's why I'll go but, like the child I'm behaving like, I do want him to sit elsewhere. I just don't want to be around him.
I'll admit I feel judged by friends this holiday. We had so many gatherings with the same group of people and who knew talk of your weddings was such a big topic of conversation among people married for 10 + years?
Oh, and while working at banana one day one of my most pretentious and judge mental friends walked in to return stuff on New Year's Day. It was awful. No one knows I work there so she was shocked... I was embarrassed and ashamed. She asked how long I had been working there, I told her since early October... She was shocked. Like, she did the whole gasp and pearl clutch (literally). I felt absolutely worthless in that moment standing there with my banana republic badge and fitting room key processing her returns. ("Do you have the receipt?")
Everyone can say "oh, who cares? You're getting out and doing noble work" but let's face it, it's not the job of the century and I can't seem to find another one.
Ugh, I'm cringing at that moment. Even my nose was sweating. My nose!
What has happened to my life? And despite my efforts to look for a job, search for self, make the house a warm and welcoming one ((one of H's complaints), pretty myself up a bit, GAL, meditate, project positivity to the universe... I'm still here.
Ss, big hugs to you. I have many thoughts but the biggest one is that part of being kind to ourselves means surrounding ourselves with people who love and appreciate us
This judgemental friend of yours doesn't sound like much of one...
Ss06, I’ve just read a few pages of your recent updates. I know how it feels when you think you are making some progress and moving forward, and then you slip backwards, and feel sorry for yourself, and feel all that pain over and over again.
The holidays are always tough, especially the first year after the BD. I remember having the same thoughts on my first-post-DB New Year’s Eve, that I had nobody to kiss. This year was my third holiday season, and I still felt sad. But, I didn’t let myself feel like a victim. I have great family. I was surrounded by love and I actually felt sorry for H for not enjoying our great company. I didn’t even think about that I had nobody to kiss.
I agree with others on two points. If you feel that you need some distance from H and not see him for a while, do it. There are always the ways to limit the contact even when you have kids. Another thing is try to only be social with people who support and don’t judge you. Stay away from pretentions and judgmental friends. I hope your friend will not show up at you work place while you are there.
Hang in there.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Ss, I haven't been following your sitch much lately. I apologize. Bad friend!
Just wanted to say you crossed my mind and I hope you're still being strong. Also, my sister now just moved to LA for a 3 month nurse rotation and she is in love. She lives on the north side somewhere, and goes to the parks or beach almost everyday. Everyone here back in the Midwest are staring jealously at her FB pics while 35 degree rain falls outside lol
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
I'm glad you checking in, Ss. I'm sorry that the holidays were a difficult time for you. I have some more thoughts but it's past my bedtime. I'll check back in tomorrow.
H contacted me 4 times today to hang out for different reasons. I declined all except the one to say goodnight to D before her first day back to school. I went, she ran to me, h said hi and then went across the street to the grocery store. When he came back it was time for me to leave... And DONE.
Operation not hang out with H so much, mission 1. Success.
Next task? Distance myself from that group of friends whom I feel judge me and my situation. H adores them. He can have them.
::sigh:: 2015 is proving to bring many changes already.
He will no longer be cake eating off my back. If that sounds bitter well then, that's because it is.
Card, I'm in the north side... Can you be more specific?
SS, it sounds like you did what was needed in regard to the interaction with your H.. Good work there!!..
I too am finding I need to cut down contact with my W, especially now that NBF is involved.. I just feel I might say something that will break the camels back!!.. I have been doing well with that and it seems like you are too!!.. Keep doing it because I look at people like yourself for inspiration in my sitch!!..
Me:35 W:31 S6 + S9 T: 10 years M: 7 years BD: 7/2014 S: 8/2014 W has new BF: 12/2014 Still fighting the good fight!!..
