My mother was an alcoholic. So, I learned early on to always wait for the other shoe to drop. If my mom was in a goofy, happy drunk mood, that meant we had 15-20 minutes of time before it would change dramatically. If she was grumpy, we had less time. The next day she'd act as if nothing bad or violent had occurred the night before so you learn to not trust your perceptions...and instead to trust your fears.
When children experience an alcoholic parent or neglect of some kind, they can experience extremes of emotions like fear, shame and anger– and they don’t have the adult support they need to deal with those emotions and the destructive impulses that go with them.
Because guys are taught to be aware of some emotions and not others, and to act on some impulses but not others, they sometimes cannot escape typically male difficulties with regulating their emotions and impulses.
Triggers that involve other people’s behavior are often connected to ways that repeat unhealthy relationship patterns learned in childhood. Things that other people do, especially people close to us and especially in situations of conflict, remind us of hurtful things done to us in the past. Then we respond as if we’re defending ourselves against those old vulnerabilities, hurts, or traumas.
Keep digging, Freddy. It is the key in all of this. Figuring out why leads us to understanding how to fix it.
You are most certainly not a crazed, lunatic. As I wrote, you were hurt and upset and lashed out. It happens. We have all done it.
As long as you recognize it, that is the main thing.
