I thought everything was okay...(Part 2)

[MCS]

Vanilla,

Thanks, like always your words make me feel better. I agree that there needs to be contact with the kids while they are at the other person's place. I think that will help the kids as well as W and I.

_________

Some journaling about how I'm feeling right now. I'm definitely in a funk the last couple days.

I think part of my problem right now is that I'm having trouble accepting this is going to be a long haul, regardless of the outcome. I'm doing okay day to day, but I'm having trouble thinking about my future without getting upset or anxious. Like I said, I know I'm going to be happy at some point; its just the road to it seems so intimidating.

I compound that with thinking about the kids future's. I thought W and I were so in sync about how we were raising our kids and the values that we were instilling. Then this happened and even that is upside down. I don't know how she could be 'okay' with the kids having separated parents w/o trying everything possible to keep us together.

I just feel like I'm in a funk and just 'getting by day by day.' I've never had that feeling in my life. I've always had something to look forward to and understood what I needed to do to get there.

It's just that I feel so lonely when the kids aren't around. I know, GAL; but I've never liked 'getting out' of the house. I'm just lonely and need an emotional connection to someone

My W was my BF and everyone else was a distant second. Even up to the nigh of BD I felt this way. That's how blind I was about what was going on. This affects me on so many different levels. I'm missing all parts of my M right now, the friendship, the intimacy, the partnership, the waking up next to someone, helping each other out, depending on each other as parents, all of it.

That's the thing, I'll sound spoiled; but I want that....and I don't want to wait. I'd like that to be my W, but a little part of me is starting the temptation to look elsewhere. Nothing horrible, just stuff I never have done before. Giving someone a second glance, seeing if there's a ring, wondering if they have kids. That makes me even more scared. I don't like feeling that way and I dread if it ever would get to the point that I'm looking for someone else. I hate to say it, but I empathize with W in that case about how w/o EN being met, some of these things start to seep in.

I was so content in my M, its so horrible that she was next to me all those days and nights and I didn't know she wasn't happy. I so wish I knew, I would have moved mountains to make her happy. Its still a part of why I'm still in this. For all of this pain, I still love her and want her to be happy. With all my heart, I don't think this is the path for her to do it, but I don't know.

I'm sorry, its just been a rough vacation. I guess since I'm out of my routine and I don't have work to occupy my mind during the day. Kids come back tomorrow, IC in the morning and then MC (mediation) on Tuesday. I'm both anxious and scared for that. We've been on a three week break, so I'm not sure what its going to hold.