I also like the idea of going in and just listening, and telling yourself you will not make any decisions or agree to anything at this point, and that's what you can relay to him if he asks you what you think or if you agree with xyz ("I'll need to think about what you've suggested and get back to you," for example).
Maybell, I think this is reasonable. I doubt your H has done enough homework to get down to specifics anyway.
Mini hijack alert. I've mentioned that I know about xh's gf to him exactly zero times and they were in love about 3 weeks after he moved out. Why? For me, it served no purpose. Calling him a liar would be a waste of energy. And FTR, an A was not a deal breaker for me. My xh became the deal breaker and I wish him peace. I feel the same about your h's Tinder profile. I know he *said* he wouldn't date although the man did have an A so I'm not sure we can really be surprised he has a Tinder account. Please know that I don't say that to make anyone feel silly or embarrassed. It's just logical thinking. I don't think you were surprised at all. You are a smart lady:)
So, that was a wordy way of saying, "why bring it up?" Good luck! I say go and listen and don't commit to anything but death and taxes :-)
Last edited by Georgiabelle; 01/05/1503:06 AM.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
I agree with rp and GB, why do you want to let him know?
I know I would be asking the same question and my answer would be because I want him to know that he's not getting away with anything because I'm smarter than he thinks!
Me-44 (45) H- 50 (51) M-'96
S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)
BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas) home Oct(sep rooms) (EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed) insists wants D through July 2015 no more talk of D since
Lost nailed it -- I want to have ONE time where I hear honesty from him. Tinder and dating aren't the point; the point is, I don't want to waste a perfectly good evening listening to more BS. Just because I don't believe a word he's said I don't want to go. But if I go and listen to more lies, I'd like to say that I know they're lies and that I'm done. And have him know for absolute certain that I mean it.
But maybe I'll go, I'll listen to his BS, and I'll have papers as soon as I can. Then it'll be actions, not words, and perhaps he'll remember who I am.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I think you can say that you know they're lies without revealing what you know. Protect your methods and sources, you know? The real power is in being able to outsmart him, not showing your hand.
I agree with all of the above: Don't tell him you know about the Tinder profile, just tell him you know these are lies and will not tolerate them anymore. Then move on to the next topic. I'Ve seen this advice around here.
As for the timing of the meeting with H, it would be good that you meet with your L before to at least answer your current questions, but I also strongly agree that you should just go in there to listen. As much as you expect this to be about the ending of the M, it will hit you if it is the case. You need to absorb the shock before making any decision.
You sound like you're in a good place to do all of this.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
It's good to see Melissa posting again. I've missed her wit around here.
I tend to agree with a lot of the sentiment here. Okay, so what if the shoe does drop, and you hear what you don't want to hear? Fact is, you've been prepared for this moment for awhile now. It's the new year, and it sounds as though your H wants to start his own personal to-do list.
I'm gonna say what I say because I think after all this time, you know I say this with sincerity. Let me pour you a virtual cup of coffee and rub your back before I do, though.
You are a woman of action and integrity. Let's start off by stating the facts. We know this, you know this and your kids know it. You've faced the music that you don't enjoy and realized things about yourself, your H and your marriage that have left you bewildered, confused, unhappy with status quo and downright angry. I get it, and I'm not taking that away from you.
But expecting him to be honest is like... expecting a cat to bark. From everything you've posted about him, he doesn't like facing unpleasant, uncomfortable or painful truths. He's probably not changed through your separation, so why are you expecting this from him now? Because you've grown? I just don't think that's gonna happen. Then what? He meets your low expectations and you get angry all over again? Because you were hoping he'd choose differently now?
Maybell, my XH was (and maybe still is with other people) one of the most passive aggressive people I know. He would do *anything* to avoid pain, including being emotionally honest when it would be the best thing all around. He actually sent me an e-mail about this time of year in 2005 with a subject line "It is time." He gave me a litany of reasons why it was necessary to proceed with divorce and not reconcile. Although I didn't want to get that in my inbox, expecting him to call me and talk about his feelings would have been insane. He's never been a person to do that, so why was I hoping he'd do things differently? Crap, that very dynamic was very instrumental in getting us where we were. Then... he filed for D on Valentine's day (no f*cking joke) and listed me as the petitioner. He had me sign the papers prior to filing so he didn't have me served at work, which I actually *did* appreciate, but you can bet your ass that I called him on the petitioner thing. His answer? Well, I would have been okay living like this indefinitely or until things changed for me, so I'm giving you the divorce you want. THAT one gobsmacked me.
Anyhoo, back to you.
Hearing the words is not going to be the knife in your back that leaving was. It's merely going to be the final nail in the coffin. Yes, this will probably mean a lot more work for you in the near future. You're going to have to devote your precious time dissolving the business aspect of what is left of your marriage. The emotional part--the HARD part--has already begun.
So my advice? You go to the meeting. You don't talk. You take a notebook and you write down what he says he wants. You don't argue with him or tell him what you want. You come back, mull it over and figure out what you are amenable to doing. And then you pull the trigger with an attorney. For once, you are the one with some power here. A long time ago, someone here told me that the one who leaves will tend to give more because they are the ones who want out the most. I found it to be dead on. I got the house, one of his 401K accounts, and a butt load of child support on top of it. I opted out of spousal support because I was making decent money then and it upgraded my CS formula (which is not taxable income). We each took a kid deduction and were both able to claim head of household.
That being said, from what I've read in your posts, you don't want him back as your husband, at least the person he is right now, and after all the introspection and work you've done on yourself. So what is left to fear?
Hugs. And more hugs.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
