Card29 IX - New Year, New Card

[uRworthy]

I think it was a temporary setback, Freddy.

Impulse control lies in your mindset and changing it. That starts with owning your actions and not making excuses for it.

So, you have been given valuable info here. You know that it doesnt serve you well to be in contact with people who are not supporting you in the way that you need. You learned that you still have a way to go in order to be able to control your thoughts, words and actions.

You do need to put some stuff into place in order to help you do that. I want you to know that I am not encouraging you to just repress impulses or to deny them. I'm just suggesting that you learn to better manage them in a productive and healthy way by managing your environment better.

Feeling good about yourself means making choices that are good for you. And making those choices requires having some skills. Like being able to respond to your emotions and urges in a self-aware and in control kind of way.

Just because you have an impulse doesn't mean you have to act on it, right?

Changing our behavior is hard. Very hard! The odds are high that you'll need to work on it over time and that you'll make progress sometimes with several steps forward and several steps backwards. Don't give up. Any progress in the right direction is progress.

This is about intentionally decreasing or increasing the intensity of an emotion, and deciding whether or not to act on an impulse.

So, what you need to do is decide and control where you focus your attention. As something is going down, decide and control when and how much attention you focus on different aspects of the situation, including your own thoughts, feelings and impulses. Choose how you think about your emotional reactions to things. Do things that are calming when you’re angry or anxious or fearful.

The key is being able to step back – in the midst of situations – and reflect on what you’re thinking, feeling, and wanting to do.

That includes remembering your values and goals, and what’s truly important in the situation or the relationship. If you can observe the reactions you’re having, and think about them as they are happening, then you’ve gained more control over your feelings, thoughts, and behaviors. You’ve opened the door to making choices, not just having reactions. Otherwise you are on autopilot, being driven by old habits.

If you have emotional awareness, you can realize what’s happening before it’s too late. You can have real control over your responses. You can make good choices that you’ll feel good about later.

We all have our own weak spots where we have trouble regulating our emotions and impulses. So it takes time, focus effort, and lots practice to re-train ourselves to have healthy responses to challenging situations and feelings.

Its important to forgive ourselves for the backsliding that we all do sometimes and then continue on our path.

Have you ever thought about why you are impulsive, Freddy?

[Card29]

No, I've never wondered why I'm impulsive. And now that you ask, I don't even know how to explots that question. Unfulfilling M, causing me to turn to other outlets for happiness? That's probably not the reason, though, since I was even more impulsive as a teenager

[Card29]

WAW stopped by earlier to pick up the dogs. We ended up sharing a hug, which turned into squeezing each other and crying. I apologized for last night, said I did it to make her feel bad, and I regretted it immensely. She cried because she knows she hurt me and our family. I told her I don't think shes a bad person, and I know she didn't do it to intentionally hurt me.

I didn't say anything else and went back inside the house as she left with the dogs and D2

[uRworthy]

Good on you, Freddy. That's who you want to be, right?

I asked about the impulsivety because whenever I have to deal with something, I need to understand it as best I can. Knowledge is power.

I have read about impulsivity and the inability to control actions and reactions. I learned that our ability to regulate emotions and impulses mostly first develop in childhood, starting when we’re babies. We learn or dont learn them in relationships, especially with parents and other caregivers.

These adults provide examples of people who are or arent able to be aware of their emotions. People who can or can’t put feelings into words that are helpful not hurtful. People who can or cant tolerate bad feelings without impulsively acting them out or escaping with alcohol, drugs or other addictions.

Parents and caregivers with good self-regulation capacities of their own provide the kinds of safe and comforting relationships that allow children gradually to develop emotional awareness, tolerance of unwanted feelings, and control over harmful impulses.

Ideally, caring adults give children the support and acceptance they need to learn the skills for regulating emotions and impulses.

Sometimes children experience extremes of emotions like fear, shame and anger and they don’t have the adult support they need to deal with those emotions and the destructive impulses that go with them.

Sometimes parents or caregivers are caring but overwhelmed by stress or addictions because they have their own limits on their capabilities regarding self regulation.

I think it's important for you to figure out why you react as you do in order to change it.

Having said that, I know there are many of us who have reacted similarly to you when hearing the news you have heard. It was a kneejerk reaction out of hurt.

But I think moving forward, you can look at your feelings and react in a way that matches who you want to be.

I know you dont really want to hurt her. I know that you are in pain and understand that she is, too.

Your path is the same here, Freddy. Leave her to figure it out. Continue to become your best you. Figure out what you need to do in order to get through this in a way that matches who you want to be.

[Card29]

Glad these boards are anonymous, because here is another gut spill. A little background from my childhood:

First the good: I did have good parents, better than average, anyway. Mom was ways supportive in many ways, although not so much emotionally. I didn't open up to her emotionally much, though, so maybe she never had the chance to support me in that way. The only time I can definitely remember was when my HS GF broke up with me. She was there for me. And my dad, when he wasn't drinking, was a great dad. He tried to teach us values, he played with us, he protected us. He was my best friend until he died. We lived in a good house, in a good neighborhood. We have lots of extended family in town and we hung out with them several times a week. Seriously, 3-4 nights a week, we would have as many people over at our house or my grandmother's house as most people do once or twice a year for thanksgiving/Christmas. Those were great times. I do have some pretty quirky family members, though lol. More good: I never did drugs, didn't drink.

Now the bad: Their M was terrible. He was an alcoholic, which seemed to be the primary wedge in their R. They never got a D, but maybe they should have. They withdrew from each other when I was very young. I only remember them going out together, alone, only once in my conscious lifetime. I never remember seeing them kiss or even hug (she did hug him when he was on his deathbed). I don't think he ever hit her, but there were some traumatic nights for me. He would come home drunk and furious, and start screaming at mom. I remember once when I was 7 or 8, she was cowering in the corner of the living room while he was screaming. Another time when I was 12 he was wasted, got mad at the dog for chewing something, and kind of abused the dog. Didn't really hurt him (dog), but it scared the crap out of me, my sisters and mom. It's not like that kind of stuff happened all of the time, but they did happen every once in a while and it really shaped me. I didn't drink until this year because I was afraid to be like him. Now I know im not him, I can drink socially and have fun without being addicted at all.

Even when dad wasn't drunk, though, he had a temper. He could really go off, many times for overblown reasons. And mom, though not physically intimidating like dad, had a parenting style of going along with whatever I wanted until she was really upset, then she would immediately go to the extreme with phrases like "I'm sick of this! You're on your own!" Or she would suddenly come up with some crazy list of rules that she would forget about in a day or two.

I went through a crazy phase when I was 14-15. Started stealing. And I mean I stole everything. Not just stuff from stores that I wanted. I would steal, like, a cup off of a teacher's desk. My friends and I started doing it and it was exhilarating. My crime career came to a dramatic conclusion, though. The first day of summer break after my sophomore year in HS, we broke into the school in the middle of the night. We destroyed a couple of classrooms, just for the fun of destroying stuff. But we tripped an alarm, and cops swarmed the building. We ran through backyards from cops and police dogs. We were on the cross country team so we thought we could get away. Turns out they also had a helicopter, too. We didn't outrun that. So our parents had to pick us up at the police station at 5 in the morning. Let's just say we did not have fun summer breaks lol. But the arrest was a blessing for all of us. We all turned around on a dime after that, grades picked back up, they expunged our records, and now we can look back on it and laugh. Some of our other friends still crack jokes ("Don't leave your window unlocked, Card29 might break in!"). But I share it because maybe some of those underlying tendancies still exist in me, even though I'm not a destructive criminal? I never really thought my crimes were impulses, though. I WANTED a to steal, I WANTED to go destroy stuff. For years I didn't want to watch porn, eat cookies every day, etc. And I didn't want to say something Id regret last night, and I didn't want to pursue during DB. But I did all of that anyway.

Now, about what happened last night. I'm coming to a calmer state of mind, and while I do have impulse problems, I have never in my life intentionally tried to cause harm to WAW, emotionally or any other way. She has lashed out at me many times, and while I have engaged in arguments, I always stopped short of saying something I would deeply regret. last night was the first time I did that to her, so I hope im not letting myself off the hook by attributing a great deal of it to the A finally really sinking in with me. Doesn't mean I was entitled to do that, or justified. But I don't think I'm a crazed lunatic at heart.

[uRworthy]

My mother was an alcoholic. So, I learned early on to always wait for the other shoe to drop. If my mom was in a goofy, happy drunk mood, that meant we had 15-20 minutes of time before it would change dramatically. If she was grumpy, we had less time. The next day she'd act as if nothing bad or violent had occurred the night before so you learn to not trust your perceptions...and instead to trust your fears.

When children experience an alcoholic parent or neglect of some kind, they can experience extremes of emotions like fear, shame and anger– and they don’t have the adult support they need to deal with those emotions and the destructive impulses that go with them.

Because guys are taught to be aware of some emotions and not others, and to act on some impulses but not others, they sometimes cannot escape typically male difficulties with regulating their emotions and impulses.

Triggers that involve other people’s behavior are often connected to ways that repeat unhealthy relationship patterns learned in childhood. Things that other people do, especially people close to us and especially in situations of conflict, remind us of hurtful things done to us in the past. Then we respond as if we’re defending ourselves against those old vulnerabilities, hurts, or traumas.

Keep digging, Freddy. It is the key in all of this. Figuring out why leads us to understanding how to fix it.

You are most certainly not a crazed, lunatic. As I wrote, you were hurt and upset and lashed out. It happens. We have all done it.

As long as you recognize it, that is the main thing.

[Card29]

Thank you for sharing all of that, uR, and thanks for sharing your time with me. There is so much for me to think about, but I'm realizing that I need to think a little easier, a little slower. I'm an engineer, so at the beginning of this disaster, I made this another engineering project. I defined objectives, problems, hurdles, then I formulated a plan to FIX it all. Since then, I've learned so much about marriage, love, affairs, joy, hate, anger, priorities, my personality, etc. But I think what I may have learned more than anything is how pain and trauma is processed. It is not an engineering project for me to conquer. It is something that just needs to happen.

Also, I've finished two days of the Headspace app. It has been great. I've never meditated before, though, so it's not coming that easy to me just yet. I'm listening to the Andy, though...just letting it happen

Random thought: Anyone remember the ending to Castaway? (Spoiler alert...) He finally gets back home, and finds that his W is remarried with kids. So he moves on independently. Last scene of the movie is basically like that line from The Eagles' Take it Easy... "It's a girl, my lord, in a flat bed Ford, slowing down to take a look at me." It was supposed to be this happy ending, the he is starting a new life that he is lucky to have. I always hated that ending!! I thought it was so sad that he went through all of that and lost his W. That's how much I hated the idea of D, losing a spouse. But now, after all of this, I think it's a great ending

[Little]

*hugs Card*

[uRworthy]

I completely agree, Freddy, that its not an engineering project.

Yes, we do need to process pain and trauma. What's important is that we allow it to unfold as it is supposed to. In order to do that, we have to sit with stuff before we react.

You know, I wish I could post to everyone, but, I cant. So, when I do, it is because I connect in some way to someone.

I had this feeling about you and that we had something in common. We had similar childhoods in some ways.

But I could also see that you are trying really hard to figure this out and you out.

That matters, Freddy.

I like the ending to that movie, too, because it was real.

[Card29]

I've been feeling much better since my meltdown the other night. I've been at peace with my emotions. I've been following Headspace, and also bought a monthly subscription for the extra content. I'm following the daily program, and yesterday there was a great 2 minute animation explaining the best way to approach your emotions and thoughts. They are like cars on a roadway. It is better to sit on the side of the road and watch them come and go rather than run out into the road, chase them, or try to stop them. He also advised against attaching the emotions to "I", so don't think "I am angry". Just acknowledge that anger is there without tying it to yourself. It's only been a couple of days but it feels good so far.

So I've still had anger, hurt, disgust. But instead of diving into those pools, I've just tried to think "hmm there is some anger, and there it goes".

I've also turned to the 3-minute SOS meditation sessions in the Headspace app, as Ss06 recommended. Tremendous help a couple of times.


This morning WAW called me to come help her with D2. D2 was up all night with a cough. I debated letting her sink/swim on her own, since she's the one who opted to move out on her own (although now I know it wasn't to be on her own). Instead, I decided I wanted to help D2, plus I hadn't seen her in a couple of days. So I went over there, and everything was fine. WAW was getting ready for work after I got there (shower, etc.). To my great surprise she strutted around in front of me in a towel. Surprised the heck out of me. I don't think she was even thinking about it. I don't think she would have done that if her A was still going on - over the summer, when she was still at the house, she would lock the door if she was not fully dressed. I also temporarily (like, 5 seconds) forgot about our sitch this morning, because I had a strong inclination to kiss her goodbye when I left with D2, an urge I did NOT act upon.

Later, WAW said she picked up on my vibe and apologized for wearing that. She said "I feel comfortable with you so I didn't think anything of it". I deleted 10 flirty texts before saying "It's fine, just caught me off guard a little"

Okay, Headspace, lets see how you do with this emotion...