Life 2.0 Pt 3

[NH115]

IMO, this was the time to validate her, instead of getting out your score board. I am sure you must have triggers also. Perhaps choose a good time you can talk to her. Ask her if the two of you can figure out a solution.

That was an instance where I did attempt to validate her. I know in the past I had an issue with putting on headphones and shutting her out. I get that. She was working on a different computer in the living room; I told her I was heading back to the bedroom to relax. She said OK and said she'd be back in a bit. An hour later she came back, saw me on my iPad with headphones and freaked out, saying we were backsliding into our old patterns.

How on earth does going to church or reading a book remind her of your family?

She's never been an atheist, but always mistrustful of organized religion. I grew up in church. It caused some stress between us but not a lot. My dad is a minister. She's convinced that religion is one of the reasons that they're so meddlesome and toxic, so she's even more against organized religion than before. My going to church is a sign to her that I'm too much like my hated parents. The book thing is a sign that I'm too intellectual and she doesn't fit with me. And if I read a book on religion, watch out!

She says she feels sad all the time, misses him, she feels lost and lonely all the time. I naturally asked her what was up in the last few days then, if that's the way she felt. She said that wasn't how she felt all the time, just then, and the last few days was her trying to put all her effort into our marriage, like we're supposed to. It's like she knows that emotions are transitory, but she can't see past that in the moment. If she feels sad at some point, then she's sad all the time. But I guess the last few days didn't really matter, because they'll never compare to his fantasy. She basically wants to feel in love with me like when we were first together and dating. That's her vision of success.

This is to be expected when a WAS comes back. The sadness, restlessness and depression is there companion until they get through the withdrawal. Are you encouraging her and validating her? When she is putting forth the effort in the MR......recognize it and give her some acknowledgement for it.

I agree, and I do attempt to validate her there. I have openly praised her for having the integrity to end the A on her own before it went any farther. She attacks me for calling it an A because they never actually had sex.

I stop validating when she tells me things like (as happened today)

If I meet and fall in love with someone who is single and lives here, I'm gone.

When she MLs with me, she's fantasizing about him.

Those times I just walked away.

She basically wants to feel in love with me like when we were first together and dating. That's her vision of success.

Well sure, who wouldn't? If she really wants to feel "in love" with you, that is great news. B/c she was drawn to the excitement of giddy feelings she had with OM. Same feelings as when she was dating you. It was the fantasy......not OM specifically, that she really wanted. If she was truly in love with OM, I don't think she would make statements of wishing she felt like that toward you. The fact she has actually put forth effort in the M, is a plus. But she will have those down days.

I know she's having a down weekend. I expected it. Just frustrating is all.

I have no earthly clue about how to recreate that after being together 21 years. By the requirements she's putting on us, there's no way we'll succeed. I'll never measure up to his fantasy. Of course that's how she feels about OM, because there's no real life to get in the way. She doesn't get that she'd probably be out of love with him (by that definition) in a year or so. If that's truly what she expects out of a relationship, then she's going to fail with every man she's ever with.

Have you tried? She is wanting you to be more like the man you were when she was daring her. It sounds as if she wants the romance. It makes no difference how many years a couple has been together. What matters is how the couple maintains the flirt interactions, surprising her with special planned dates, little sentimental gifts, complementing her with new and fresh words that doesn't sound as if they are coming from a bored, M, man. Think about it. Think about how you treated her when you were going together.

Have attempted flirtations, dates, etc. She shoots it down or doesn't reciprocate. That time will come, just not now.

I know it looks on here like I'm still obsessed with OM. I guess that's because I post after W and I have a bad day, and OM is all.she.wants.to.talk.about.

Have you told her it is like a knife to your heart?

Yes, and when I tell her that it's because she's just trying to be honest and I can't handle that.

Oh, and the things "we" did to let our marriage go. That is, when she's not pointing out my myriad flaws and mistakes. Because, as we all know, if I had been a better husband, she wouldn't have had an A.

There are some WAW's who never tell the H why. These men go nuts wanting to know what he did wrong or where things went hum-drum. So are you saying you don't want to hear it, or that she is saying the same thing every time, or you feel that she is picking on you about the past? Has she said it was your fault she had an affair?

She doesn't explicitly tell me it's my fault for the A, but it was my fault for making her vulnerable to the A, as if she could have done absolutely nothing to keep it from progressing as far as it did.