Busting this Divorce - 90 Days NC #3

[HPoirot]

The more she is thinking about what the hell you are getting up to is the better is my thinking
But at some point you have to reconnect that's where I struggle
how the hell do you know that the time is right

I believe when a couple separates, there needs to be a period of time where they should avoid contact with each other. It is so easy to trigger something during a quick exchange, texting, etc. They need that space from each other to regroup and calm down where they feel a bit more balanced in their emotional equaliberim.

This is why I do not agree with the idea of getting all buddy-buddy. How could it be genuine? IMO, she needs to know he is not happy about what she has done to the family, and frankly, he is not interested in being her friend. He is done! That is the only message that will cause her to rethink her actions.

The WAW and LBH should be civil, and that is all, during this adjustment period. Otherwise, the LBH will be putting all this unnecessary pressure on himself......just like HP is doing now. He should not be concerned now she feels about him GAL. It is ludicrous! He left that stuff behind him......or should have.

After the LBS has had time to get stronger and has a life without the WAS, and can work through some of the resentment issues, self-respect, Etc., then he can begin showing more friendliness whenever they have contact. I do believe It has to be a gradual process. I also believe he has the right to evaluate her actions and if he feels he does not want to be friends, then he should not be made to feel he owes it to her. He should not feel pressured about it.

Paul, you say how will you know when to reconnect. I would say it is when you start seeing the woman you use to know. When she truly ends things with OM. When she stops the disrespect. When she stops the lies, manipulation, etc. When she is more interested in you than her phone. When she starts thinking about what's best for her family, and makes them her priority instead of herself. When you can look into her eyes and she doesn't turn away. When you can talk to her without her appearing she is in too big of a hurry to get away. When you can stand near her without her being repulsed. When she begins to show remorse.

Those are just a few. Until you begin to see these things in her, you are spinning your wheels.

Sandi... your post is gold and I have bookmarked it for daily reading. I'm printing it and hanging it on my mirror next to my "Let her go" poem.

Thank you so much for simply describing what I should keep doing. Yes, when I was angry and leaving and leading I was not at all concerned about how W felt about my changes and GALing.

Now, after she asked S11 to ask we where I was going Friday night... and then today's asking and texting me about my Friday night plans... I see I let my old fear of making her angry come back.

Her offers to have lunch together with S11, to sit down and talk, to communicate, her apologizing for calling me, how she gets upset when I turn and walk away from her only for her to repeat what she says and follow me... I see how all that is wearing on me and my hard stance on not being her friend right now. I do want to speak with her but I'm not ready and it's not the time.

So yes I'm getting to the right place regarding how I interact with her. I'm getting better and being civil without being angry by remembering empathy. GALing for real this week to get my mind off her will make that even better.

This really is a wonderful and powerful post Sandi. I think it should be in the documentation her for those of us dealing with a WAS in an A.

Thank you again.