Thanks job, georgiabelle,NLW, gwen and nero, I am humbled that so many of you give your support and advice, it’s so good to have people who completely understand. I hope one day I will be in position to offer helpful advice and wise insights to someone else going through this.
I have so many good friends and family but they think I am crazy for giving my h any headspace after what he has done. I do understand their point of view – if I stand on the outside and look in I do see what they see now – that I scrimped, saved and sacrificed over the past 24yrs for my H to get the career he wanted and for a bright future for both of us and now he is successful he walks away with no real explanation or reason, hooks up with ow and she get to live the life I was promised and to top it off no money is left for me to start again as he used it to get to the position he is now in work wise.
BUT it’s not that simple as you well know and that is why I am so grateful I have found you all; love is a very powerful emotion.
I don't consider what I am doing (the sabbatical) as brave, it was a matter of sanity – a need more than a want. I needed to take control over my life which I felt was spinning. I don't know if this is a right move yet, only time will tell and I figure it can’t get any worse!
Here’s an update – a page or 4 in chapter 2.
So NYE I went out on my own – yep, forced myself to do it. I saw a few people out that I knew but they were mainly in groups of their own so I had a couple of drinks in the local pub and made small talk with someone stood nearby, then went to another bar and stood near a group so I did not look like I was on my own (sad lady all alone on NYE) and then 11.30pm I gave in and went home in time to watch the fireworks from my bedroom window (which actually turned out to be a fantastic viewing point). Felt awkward and out of place, but I did it and survived.
I have started applying for jobs and putting feelers out for seasonal work too – have had a few say they have jobs available but none have committed to giving me one so far. I hope to get something soon -
Home wise – still in my brother’s house. One of his apartments has become available but he wants/needs to charge me full rent as it is part of the business, I really can’t afford it – well I can, but then would not be able to save anything as with rent and bills it will take all my wages and that’s only if I can get a full time job soon. So I have been sensible and turned it down. I do miss my own space, I am finding it very hard to adjust to a bedroom after my own 3 bed house, but hey, beggars can’t be choosers and I am grateful I have a roof over my head …. Plus its free !!
Mentally/Feelings wise – very mixed. H is still very much in the front of my thoughts and the movie plays on, although a little slower now. I feel bitter that I have been shafted so badly by him, that ow is having my promised life, that he gets to have it all and I have to start my life again completely from zero (which if someone else tells me that if I think about it, it is a gift and therapeutic to start over, I will scream; actually it makes me feel terrified, in a panic, depressed and sick !!)
However I do find it completely ironic that h left for freedom because he felt like his life was suffocating him, and he has got himself stuck with a stressful job, another women and her 2 young kids, getting into debt to fund his status and her. And I am the one who has the freedom to do as I please lol - perhaps I missed the point of what he meant by Freedom.
My brother had a “pep talk”/lecture (I know he means well) with me. He is really keen that I find a positive in all of this and is encouraging me to go and travel as much as possible. It’s always been a desire of mine but I never got to do it as ….guess what … sacrificed all travel for h to get his degree and move on up the career ladder which meant moving lots …. So he is really encouraging/pushing me to be brave and just do it – work the summer season in the UK and then go discover the world. – In his words “what is the worst that can happen? You have nothing left to lose”
I do see his point, but I have lost all confidence in myself and the thought of travelling the world on my own is terrifying to me ….
I suppose this is what this time here is all about – to get my confidence back, to heal and start to rebuild myself.
I don't know what is happening with my m – h told me last Oct that it’s completely over for him, he hopes I find someone new that will treat me how I really deserve to be treated. Yeah, apart from I wanted it to be him that treats me how I deserve, not someone else.
I do still wonder if he ever thinks about me or us, if he will ever regret this or if he will be happy and it is the best decision he has ever made for himself (as he told me it was a few months ago). Until I am told otherwise I suppose I need to accept that this is it, over. That seems the easy part – falling out of love, now that seems an impossible task.
So still pounding the beach and the hills, staying out longer and longer – trying to make sense of all of this and think about what I want to do – and if I can realistically make these things happen. Getting fitter and toning up – that’s a positive :o)
