Hey bright! I guess there has been a lot going on lately, huh? Some of the things you have posted makes me feel a twinge in my heart bc they hit so close to home.
I've got to say, I think you are handeling it all incredibly well. You carry yourself with grace and dignity. I think that is great. It is not an easy thing to do, especially when it is something that really strikes our emotions.
A lot of what you describe is how things were with me. I also think it's ok to get angry, like you did when you saw the card. As long as you don't stay in that state of mind, it is a natural emotion to some of the frustrations you have. I think I felt a little better after the "anger stage" and job has some great advice for working past that. Perspective. That was always important to me. Still is! I try to keep perspective of the sitch as it is. And it helps me to remember that I can only control myself. But I do think the world would be much better off if I had more control of others (ha! Joking).
Really though, bright, I think you are doing a great job. I am so happy you had the house all decked out and you did it for you. That's great. I'm happy for your gal. It's not always easy to take that step to do it, but it does pay off, right? I proud of how you handled yourself w h. you got this, bright. I know you will find true happiness again. You deserve it!
Keep doing what you are doing. Oh btw... I think our states have the same laws re seperation and d. If you are where I think you are, we mirrored your law. We had to file our seperation agreement under the second part you listed. And it says, "in consequence of and irretrievable breakdown in the marital relationship and unhappy and irreconcilable differences," which is lame. I found "irretrievable" a joke since NOTHING was done to try to "fix" it. You know, like maybe one conversation????
Ah, well.... Keep doing what you're doing, bright. Your time will come, my dear.
Mighty, thank you for the encouragement. My anger about H’s relatives has subsided significantly. I can still feel a little flicker, but it is going to die down, I know it.
And your comment “NOTHING was done to try to "fix" it. You know, like maybe one conversation????”… OMG, it just occurred to me that we actually had exactly one conversation in person about how nothing good can be expected out of our lives together and how it just better for both of us to end this and move on. Yes, the words “both” implied that he made a decision about what was best for me. So kind of him… Not!
I went to my sister’s for the New Year Party yesterday. My BIL (H’s brother) didn’t come. He texted me that he was not feeling well and his GF didn’t sleep the night before, so they were not going to make it this year.
My son and his GF came, and we had a great food and music going. We all danced after the midnight, even my son. He was hesitant at first, but joined the silly crowd eventually.
I was on the end year support from work last night, and they did nave some issues I had to work until late. I also had to be logged in and constantly checking for e-mails and IMs until midnight. That was not fun at all. I think next year I’m going to take a day off on New Year ’s Eve, so I could help my sister to do the cooking and the preparations. She did all it by herself this time. She didn’t complain and I’m very grateful for all she did.
We had Skype with my parents. We all talked. They told us that yesterday it was their 50th wedding anniversary. We congratulated them, and then my Mom said that she wishes all of us to approach the same date in our lives. I said that it was too late for me, LOL. I guess she meant it for my sister and didn’t think how it would come across for me. Just reminded me that I’m an outcast in my family, the first one to D (almost twice by now) among the immediate and all other family.
I had some reflection today on my parent’s anniversary. It sounds like a significant achievement and a great thing. I just don’t feel a lot of pride and joy for my parents. All their life together they were arguing and fighting. They didn’t care if I and my sister were present during their fights or heard their arguments. It affected both of us significantly. Both of us had to overcome certain trends and behaviors we inherited with that. The process is still going on, for both of us. We are in a lot better place now, but the memories are still there. I don’t think my parents realize how much damage they’ve done to us. Or, at least they are not willing to recognize it.
So, I don’t know what is better in this case. Stay together and traumatize the kids, or separate? I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life because of my family dynamics. I was pretty much a damaged child, and then damaged adult, also considering that I didn’t get much love from my parents. I’m at piece with my parents now. I’m just wondering if it would be better for us if they divorced back then. I don’t know.
Anyway, I’m taking it easy today. I think I’m going to work from home tomorrow.
H didn’t send a text last night like he said he would. Not sure what his deal was, whether he was partying somewhere or just decided to not send it. Maybe our mutual friends told him that I’m going to file, hehe. I did receive a text from the mutual friends though, after 3 am in the morning, wishing me happy New Year. I wonder if they had some kind of celebration. Not sure if H was with them, considering their child going through terrible 2s and also being sick lately, and H not tolerating little kids.
He posted on his FB yesterday afternoon, wishing everyone happy New Year. This tells me one thing. For him to make an effort and take his laptop to the WiFi area where he could get on the Internet (there is no internet at the condo, is something not usual. He must have felt lonely and was looking for some attention. This is still so weird to me, knowing that he is on FB and posting the “stupid” stuff he would never done before. I bet he is missing my family New Year’s gatherings too. His loss.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Bright! Happy New Year! So glad you had a great time at your sister's house! Sounds like it was a lot of fun. You are probably right, h probably was alone and missing out on the family fun. Even if he was with people, he probably felt displaced.
That's interesting about your parents. My parents separated, got back together, then divorced. They were divorced for like 10 years, and are now married again. My dad had a serious drinking problem. He was an angry drunk. So, I endured both. Lots of fights, things breaking, all that fun stuff... but divorce too. Divorce didn't really bother me much as a kid. Well.... I guess I didn't notice. I was an angry teen, but I don't think it was bc of the divorce, it was everything else. So who know what the answer is, ya know?
Anyway, you are movin' on up, girly. Glad to hear of your progress. And yeah, that anger... it is pretty much only temporary. Chances are, those twinges you still feel about the card... you will find a way to sort that out. Keep your head up!
Hey, Bright! I hope you were able to work from home today, and relax a bit.
I've been reading your threads, and I completely agree. We have some significant stuff in common.
I don't know how you do it, tho. I admire you so much for being as strong as you are for so long. And then to not know what to expect when h is in town, and have to wing it at times... You're really amazing, Bright.
I remember you are not originally from the U.S. Have you shared where you're from? Or would you prefer to keep that private.... I totally respect that.
Mighty, interesting… My parents’ fights were normally started by my Mom, because of Dad’s drinking. He was a happy drunk until my Mom pushed the buttons. And then there was breaking things, shouting, slamming the doors. I remember one night when I was about 9 or 10, I was in bed, and I’ve heard the noises and arguments, I imagined the worst, that my Dad was going to hurt my Mom, I almost had a heart attach. I remember the feelings of my heart almost jumping out of my chest and I almost faded away. I survived though.
I was not an angry kid. I was very shy and private. I had almost no social skills. But I was smart, so I figured it out eventually. When people meet me today, they have an impression of a completely different person. The work is still in progress…
Shining, thanks for stopping by. I thought I was on your “naughty” list, hahaha. Thanks for the inspiring words. I’m not getting this from my other friends (not on this board) and family. They pretty much think that I’m a loser, because from their point of view I’m still not able to move on. Sometimes I’m surprised at myself too. I thought I would be way done after all this time. I guess, I still have some work to do… But I feel like I’m moving on… Yes!
I mentioned here before about my heritage. I’m russian. If you read Linda’s threads (RosaLinda), I gave her some advice about her xH’s ow, who is russian. I prefer not to mention my heritage here too much. I know there are some opinions… Especially considering so many internet dating sites from there… I came to this country because I met H. And I never used him for any benefits. He actually used me... What I mean is that for the majority of our marriage I was making a lot more money, so we were able to travel every year, sometimes to different countries, and we were able to buy this vacation home, which he now wants for himself. I don’t know why I always feel like I need to defend myself in this… I need to work on this some more.
Shining, you are no less amazing. I’m learning from you and I admire your courage doing what you are doing for your kids and for yourself.
And, BTW, I did work from home today. Not much relaxing though. They were e-mailing me with some issues all day. I’m glad tomorrow is Saturday!
Oh, and my son sent H a text thanking him for the gift cards. I think he is just like his Mom, taking a high road. Makes me so proud!
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Oh, forgot to mention that I’ve got an e-mail from my mutual friends at the vacation home. They said that they didn’t go anywhere and stayed home, just three of them. The kind woke them up at 3 am, this is when they sent me a Happy New Year text. So, H was not there. He probably spent New Year’s eve by himself. Bummer…
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Bright - Happy New Year. Novemer feel you need to defend yourself, especially here. I am from this country and I was a stay at home mom for many years. I worked really hard for my H and family. I also put H through school but I always got defensive. everyone is doing the best they can.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
*meant "never" -- typing on an iPad is clumsy at times. Also kudos to your sign for taking the high road. I don't think my girls are there yet. H sent gift cards but since they haven't actually heard his voice since this past summer they are not feeling thankful. D16 actually cried saying she felt he was bribing them. All she wants is a really conversation. D19 is just as disappointed but more reserved. Right now H is fortunate to have received a two word text on Dec. 25 saying Merry Christmas.
How do you help your son through all of this? I am neutral and I support them. I tell them not to bolt the door shut but I can't blame them for their anger. He treated us all so badly. He is so far away. He abandoned all of us. I hope time helps us become more accepting.
Hope you have a great weekend.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
Gwen, thanks for validation. I always had this desire to defend myself. When people learnt how I and H met, I always had a feeling that they automatically assumed that I used the relationship to move to this country. Heck, I’ve leant last year (from my BIL, h’s brother) that this is what H’s family thought for a long time. And they were a lot closer to us than other people… I think this insecurity contributed to our R in long term. I think I withheld my affection and appreciation of H whenever there was a conversation about how we met. I always tried to present it like I didn’t really need to be in R with H, I was my own person. Yes, I was lucky that it happened this way. It would have been a lot harder for me if I would move to a new country on my own (BTW I was applying to immigrate to Australia at the time I met H.)
So, like I said, I still have a lot of stuff to process here.
Gwen, I cannot even imagine how hard it is to find yourself in this sitch when you were SAHM all your life. When you dedicate your life to your family, to your kids and your H, when they are pretty much all your world. It is great when you have friends and family members who you can rely on for the support through this. I hope you have a good network around you. If not, you need to develop it. It does make a difference.
As for my son, he was 24 when H delivered the speech. He was also not living in the house at that time. So, he was pretty much an independent adult. He didn’t have to see me every day going through my emotions and grief. I called him a couple of times when I needed somebody to be here with me. His GF also came to take care of the dog when I was in bed and didn’t want to get out of the house or do anything. So, he knows that I was hurt. But I never told him bad things about H. I did the same about my first xh, my son’s biological father. I never spoke badly about him. I told my son our story with first xh (including the cheating part) only two years ago.
I am open to the conversation with my son, but he just never brings it up. I’m sure there are some hurt feelings inside. He is just not the type of person who opens up easily. Cause for concern… I hope that eventually he will be able to talk about it and tell me his feelings. It could be that it doesn’t matter to him that much, as long as he sees me happy and moving on. He is one resilient and tough person, that’s for sure.
Your girls are younger. I can see how they must be hurt in all this. You can help them to process their anger by encouraging them to talk to you or to somebody they trust.
The weekend was uneventful. I pretty much stayed home and did nothing. I feel kind of empty. I dread going to work tomorrow… Just want to sleep some more…
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
I think we are all drained after the holidays. It is stressful and just the anticipation is an energy drain.
One really good thing in all of this is my girls and I have become even closer. I was the child of divorce and was also adopted. They have seen firsthand all the weird family ties in my life and how much I have embraced all the people in my life through the years. I think that's why I was a stay at home mom. I wanted them to have a traditional, more stable family. H was completely supportive. We moved quite a bit for his career and each time we had to start over with new friends, schools, etc. At the time I thought H was being ambitious and clever to be willing to switch companies. In retrospect I wonder if he was just restless.
One dilemma for me having girls is that I don't want to quelch their feelings. They need to feel strong as women and not accept this kind of disrespect. We don't dwell but let's just say I am trying very hard to instill a sense of independence for the three of us.
Try to get some rest and take care of yourself this week. Hope you are feeling full of energy soon.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
