Maybell, I don't know for sure that the $2,000 was used for escort(s) but I'm afraid to even ask.
I declined his invitation. He wanted to come over to get D's backpack, I told him I'd leave it outside. I just need some freaking space and you're right, Maybell, I'm under no obligation to hang out with someone who causes me pain.
It has been a good solo day. Saw the sunrise, opened all the doors of the house to air it out, blasted MY music as I put away the Christmas decorations. No help, just me and it was nice.
I struggle with so much of this stuff. Labug, I might be looking to him for signals on who to be but much less now than before. Around him I don't know who I am. I'm mother and organizer, planner and suggester but inside I'm sad and hurt, quiet and crushed and tired. When I'm not around him I need a few days to recover and find where I put myself and then I'm smiley and lighter and having fun with D and not too hard on myself. I need to reconcile the two Sses.
H just texted (I'm finding I roll my eyes at his texting tone now) saying he understood that I didn't want to hang out today but that D really wants to see me and would I be willing to say goodnight in person at Starbucks. He said, "I can sit in a different place".
He gets it that it's him I don't want to hang out with, clearly. I miss my D so much it hurts so that's why I'll go but, like the child I'm behaving like, I do want him to sit elsewhere. I just don't want to be around him.
I'll admit I feel judged by friends this holiday. We had so many gatherings with the same group of people and who knew talk of your weddings was such a big topic of conversation among people married for 10 + years?
Oh, and while working at banana one day one of my most pretentious and judge mental friends walked in to return stuff on New Year's Day. It was awful. No one knows I work there so she was shocked... I was embarrassed and ashamed. She asked how long I had been working there, I told her since early October... She was shocked. Like, she did the whole gasp and pearl clutch (literally). I felt absolutely worthless in that moment standing there with my banana republic badge and fitting room key processing her returns. ("Do you have the receipt?")
Everyone can say "oh, who cares? You're getting out and doing noble work" but let's face it, it's not the job of the century and I can't seem to find another one.
Ugh, I'm cringing at that moment. Even my nose was sweating. My nose!
What has happened to my life? And despite my efforts to look for a job, search for self, make the house a warm and welcoming one ((one of H's complaints), pretty myself up a bit, GAL, meditate, project positivity to the universe... I'm still here.
