Today H asked me to mail him a prescription for Oxy I know nothing about. History - I have already reached out to his dad and best friend telling them my concerns with his usage (Oxy 2 years, cries for help going out to other people, interest in buying more outside of prescription). Plus sleep meds and three anti depressants. I don't think he's himself at all. I have told him my concerns also.
I told him via same text I didn't know what he was talking about, I think he has a problem and needs to talk to his doc. This was met with a lot of anger - and a flipping text...a text... 'W, maybe we should talk about divorce. this is one more sign we're not working. I didn't ask your opinion.'
His dad has told me that H just seems to need more companionship that I can or am willing to offer. It's true, I have a lot of interests and am good at them, make some money off all...but I still spend evenings and weekends with him, had breakfast with him most every day. It's not fair to blame me b/c he's had no interests of his own and sits locked in the house all day feeling deeply lonely...or has been turning away or treating me like an enemy for most of the year when I have tried to talk to him. I work my ass off bc he won't work, he considers himself an invalid even though he is healed, mobile...and I'm failing because he's not getting the ideal companionship and love and acceptance (while he's withdrawn and treating me with anger and disrespect all year)? I am taking responsibility for the active listening I didn't do, the anger I'd respond with when I couldn't reason with him or felt like the world was hopeless. I feel like I did contribute to his loneliness but I also think it is BS for him to act like this is all my failing for getting here.
Guys, I am about done here. I won't engage any more in texts or emails, but I think this goes beyond DR or LRT - he's in a downward spiral and before the substances were an issue, he wasn't much on taking responsibility for his life or being a real active participant in it. I am losing so much hope. I am scared for him and this running thing, what I am sure is an addiction and personality change, and it is twisting my guts up, all of it. Before he left to go out of state he was going to counseling with me. Going on dates. There was hope and I don't know what happened.
I've reached out to the people who might be able to talk to him about this Oxy thing...I've put my cards out on the table that I am willing to work for our marriage if he is...I can't do much more than that, right? What can I do? Other than try to get on with my life? A 24 mile bike ride today with good friends before all this went down and I felt like I was starting to find my strength again, ok with it all...what is wrong with me?
Maybe the cold hard truth is that he just doesn't want to be with me anymore and I need to accept that and go on, quit worrying about his mental illness and addictions if he won't. And quit looking for any more.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
