Busting this Divorce - 90 Days NC #3

[HPoirot]

Oh God I am tired.

I know in the early days on almost any sitch I've read about... R or no... the WAS is angry with the LBS and spew and tension always happens. Then, if the LBS can just stay calm, enjoy his own picnic, and be confident and attractive, the WAS at least could calm down too.

So... W was supposed to drop S11 off today at x time. I was tired from the move and made a mistake... I passed out to sleep. Did not hear the phone ring when she got here. The doorman would not let her in. It was 15 minutes later when I got up and saw they had called. She had to go up the street to use the bathroom. So she was of course irritated.

She asked me to come down b/c S11 had a few bags. I remembered empathy and really did great. I smiled and looked and felt content. I remembered her hurt and saw it... she is still very uncomfortable and tense around me. I came over to her car and cheerily said hello to her. That seemed to surprise her and her face changed a lot and she smiled and returned the greeting. She asked if the move made me tired and said she was sorry about that.

Then she got serious and talked about S11 at her aunt's house. Her concern was he doesn't like it there and would have to wake up extra early to make school. I kept up PMA but turned my body slightly away from her like I was readying to leave. My W will say things 3 times in different ways when she's anxious or angry and that's what she started doing. I felt my irritation rising. I smiled, said "Got it W. See you" and turned and walked away.

She started talking again and followed me. I was saying I need Fridays for my plans. She was saying that's fine... mentioned specifically she was going to a concert Saturday with her cousin. Said we need to talk about a schedule. I asked her politely to update the calendar with her days. Thanked her. Turned and walked away. I was looking cheerful but getting more irritated. It was the longest we've spoken in 3 weeks.

She immediately texted me... "HP we really need to talk. Sit down and talk. Fridays should be fine but not every Friday. There are Fridays I need as well. Let's figure this out."

After 20 minutes I reply... "Hello W. I'm flexible. When you make a schedule, I'll let you know what I can and can't do. For fridays just tell me what fridays you need and I'll stay home or get our sitter."

Reply... "I am flexible too. I just want to make it ok for s11... and you. Thanks HP."

So I'm trying and getting better with interaction with W. For the first couple minutes I was really feeling OK. Once she started her anxious repeating herself I did cut her off with "Got it W" but I was smiling as I turned to walk away. As soon as I got up to the condo, though, I was feeling the frustration and anger bubbling back up. It got pretty bad too.

So... On a scale from 1 to 10, with 1 being totally supplicating and 10 being totally distant/hardass, I'm thinking I want to be about a 5 or 6.

A say this b/c, in our most recent M time, I was pleasant and funny with her but did not make her feel seen and heard and valued. All those she needs to start feeling emotionally connected. Instead, she felt ignored by me.

I seed I'm doing more of the same ignoring and I am controlling. So while I've gone dark I can still be pleasant and pay attention to her when she's around and showing that I am flexible and not punishing. Today was the best I've done but still a way to go.

I think pleasantly saying what I want then saying I'm flexible and showing I would handle any scheduling conflicts myself (getting a sitter which I've never done) helped.

At the same time, I part of me is screaming I should be doing nothing to make her feel better and should not be jumping to fill her requests or rescuing her. The little boy in me then. Quiet the little boy (I read N.U.T.S.).

I know it's been said to me before... just treat her like a neighbor. I think I did that except the rushing her and walking away. I'm not ready to sit with her and listen to her try to tell me how this S should go. Even so, I can remember empathy and to treat her politely like a neighbor I don't really know.