I think I'm done

[mustardseed]

I first read your responses this morning but didn't get a chance to answer. My first instinct was to say, "I'd tell her to get out of there as fast as possible". My obsessing over where he goes, who he talks to, where he sleeps when he doesn't come home is overwhelming. I never felt like that about him before, but I never thought of him as the type to cheat.

But since in his mind the marriage is over, then it isn't cheating and he doesn't have to explain anything. That drives me crazy.

But somehow, last night I got this feeling that maybe I know what he meant by me not making him important in my life. I thought about our needs and wants and I think we both have different ideas of where we want our lives to go. I do think I made extended family equally important and I think he wanted our little family to be first. Every year we take 2 family vacations with my family--he stopped going. It has been a long time since we could afford to take a trip on our own so it was always through my parents. It was too much for him. He pulled away. I kept going without him, making him feel guilty for not coming along until it just felt natural to always do it without him. I enjoy the trips and so do the kids. He apparently doesn't.

He always wanted to move out of state, I couldn't bear to move away from everyone. We ended up stuck in limbo because we were both being pulled in different directions. He wants something different then I do, and in his mind I always got my way. I can be selfish and stubborn about things. But also, I felt like his plans were never really plans. If he had a real game plan in mind I would have considered it. So I would ask questions--is the job market there better? I don't know what I would do to make friends. Is there anything to do that is not sports related? I don't want to live more than 20 minutes away from a beach. I don't want anything too rural. blah blah blah. I think I made it hard for him to dream beyond the initial stages.

Now I have a job that is really hard to come by and one you don't pass up. I waited 7 years for this and it feels like I won the lotto. I wouldn't move with him now. 2 years ago I might have considered it, but he stopped bringing it up. I wonder if he was thinking of this divorce as an opportunity to finally follow that dream. I'm at a point now where I don't want to stop him. I want to be his friend. I don't want to be this jealous, insecure wreck. I don't think our marriage can be saved because I think the problems are far more than the drama of the past 14 months. And I don't know if I'd even be capable of compromise if that is what he wants. I'd have to let him go. And I want to be able to do that as his friend.

So i decided my focus is going to be becoming his friend. I won't ask anymore questions about where he is or who he is with or where he is sleeping. The whole family has come to terms with the fact that this marriage is essentially over. So if I can just stop thinking of him as my H, and work on becoming his friend maybe he can confide in me what he wants and I can let him have it with or without me.

I know this post is full of mind reading. But between the DB coach asking me to pretend I was him while she asked questions about me (very eye opening and emotionally difficult to do), and him breaking down and saying "you never put me first!" I think I am finally coming out of my own self-pity and I'm no longer feeling like the victim I've allowed myself to be these past 2 months.

I have to go back to work tomorrow after a 15 day vacation (way too long). It has been tumultuous and emotionally draining. I look forward to the break from this 2 week emotional roller coaster and getting back to work. Every vacation has felt like this since BD but this was definitely the worst.Probably because of the deadline I gave myself, and his secretive approach to everything.

so 2015 goals:
make myself more healthy by working the steps and getting help
become H's friend. I will know I have accomplished this when he sends me an FB friend request. Talks to me about his desires. Tells me things going on in his life and not keeping everything such a secret.