I think I'm done

[claire7]

So great to hear it! Happy new year!

[mustardseed]

Today I finally got an answer to why he wants a D. I am not proud of how it came about. I had another break down telling him how I don't know how we can be civil about this divorce when I feel like he is being so dishonest and secretive about everything. I went on and on about how I always made every decision based on him and always put him first in everything, and he kind of snapped saying that he never came first and I never thought of him.

It was the first time he sounded so completely honest and was actually direct about how he has been feeling. It wasn't like last time when he kind of hinted by saying "I am going to surround myself with people who are supportive of me". this was an honest statement about how he felt neglected by me. Again, I failed to validate--I defended but maybe it was kind of validating.

I said, "I always thought of you and what I thought you wanted me to do, but you never told me what you wanted or needed from me, and when I would run things by you, you always just yessed me. How was I supposed to know that I wasn't meeting your needs?" Then I said, "I'm so sorry you felt that way during our marriage. It wasn't my intention. I thought I was putting you first but I guess I wasn't doing the right things."

The weird thing is that I felt good after that encounter--like now that I know the answer I can move on. I can stop obsessing about where he is and what he is doing (although I'm afraid that might come back again). I left him a message after saying that I was going to take the dog back with me to my parents and that I appreciated his honesty. I feel better knowing why he doesn't want to be married anymore, and I am sorry I let him down.

Now the goal is to leave it at that and not try to pursue. The only thing I am thinking now is that maybe we can just get a separation through mediation through his uncle, although I am still not sure if I trust H completely. Those few moments of pure honesty was enough for me to relax, but I'm not sure I trust it completely. And since I am someone who acts based on emotion I always end up making hasty decisions that I later regret.

I know we need to separate. I don't know if that means I really am done with the marriage.

[mustardseed]

Just because I told him I am ready to leave doesn't mean I have to do it, right?
Just because I spoke to the lawyer to get the ball rolling doesn't mean I have to follow through, right?
I haven't retained the lawyer yet. I can't tell if my second thoughts are due to fear, to not feeling completely comfortable with my lawyer, or due to the fact that in my heart I don't feel like it is over.

I don't want to live there, but I don't want to leave either. I want us to move on. I want us to get to a place where we can start fresh. Part of me thinks separating first is the best option.

I've made myself crazy over the past 2 months. After feeling like I was really making positive changes for a year, I threw it all out the window 2 months ago. Did absolutely the opposite of what I have learned since BD. All because of jealousy. Is it too late to go back? We were in a really positive and optimistic place in September--but I really just lost my mind after his trip. I got jealous and impatient and slipped back into a bad pattern of needing to control the situation. I'm trying to let go now, but now I'm scared because I set some balls in motion and I don't know if I can stop it.

We have betrayed each other in ways that I'm not sure can be forgiven--or at least forgotten. Actually, that's not true. I can forgive when I feel safe again. But I don't know if I can feel safe again with him. And the fact that I confided in people and now he feels insecure around them. I guess it is kind of how I feel. We see it differently though. I feel betrayed that he could easily talk to another woman about our issues when he couldn't even talk to me about it. I feel like he gave her power of feeling important in his life above me. I confided in people who love us both, which feels like a bigger betrayal to him because he thinks of it as me trying to make people take sides. However, that isn't my intention, I just like to have people who can help me see the other side. But I think it makes him feel like now he can't trust anyone and his reaction is to avoid anyone who might think badly of him.

For example, it doesn't bother me that he talks to his sister about things. She knows me. She might not like me right now, but I know I can rebuild that relationship when and if the time comes. He doesn't approach things that way. He'd rather just cut out all of the people he thinks I confided in.

So I betrayed him in that way. I knew I was doing it--although it wasn't my intention. The only people I feel close to are people connected to both of aside aside from a few work friends. My work friends are great for when I am venting, but they don't know him so it is truly one-sided. The other people know him and remember us when we were good together--so I feel like it is more fair. The people he has confided in are people who know me--but as an acquaintance. As someone who runs in the same circle and hears the same gossip and makes polite conversation. To me that is more of a betrayal because here I was for years making small talk about my marriage and kids in a lighthearted way, meanwhile this woman was probably thinking in the back of her head "oh really, is that what you think. I know better." I think that is the part that is hard for me to let go of. How foolish I must have looked while I pretended my marriage was good, when she came to pick up her kids from the after school program I worked, or the summer camp program. Talking about H as if we were happily married and content, acting as if I knew how to make him happy and provide for his needs, clueless to the fact that he was confiding her about his feelings about me that I didn't know. That she knew how he really felt about me while I was in the dark. To me that is worse than if they were having sex.

But I have to let go of that. Either way. I can't obsess over it. I was made a fool--but I can move on and forgive if I could just let go of the shame. But maybe he feels the same way about me confiding in family. Although, I was very careful about how I did that to make sure he always looked good--that is until I found out about confidante and then I just let the flood gates open.

Is there turning back from this?

[mustardseed]

I think I might have to get more DB counseling sessions. I might also need to start seeing an IC. I feel like I am going crazy.

[TenBook]

I'm no veteran at this but I know that in my heart we can always bounce back, even from our most spectacular setbacks.

I hear the same things about detach, GAL, 180 but I wonder why it hasn't set in yet. I realize now, like everything, it takes time and practice.

Keep going.

[mustardseed]

Thank you. He took the kids to his sister's. She lives near my parents so he picked them up from there, and then I left and came home. I stopped home yesterday to put away the Christmas stuff, and I ended up bringing the dog back with me. I can tell he didn't sleep home. The blanket and pillow he uses when he sleeps on the couch are still folded on the chair the way I left it, and the bed is still made. I'm telling myself he stayed at his sisters and leaving it at that or I'll lose my mind.

I don't know how I feel being home. Right now I feel like I don't have a home. I am so unhappy here, and I felt like I had no place to go at my mothers. I really need to get my PMA back. I just ordered a few more sessions with the DB counselor. I didn't realize they didn't do sessions on weekends. Is my impatience showing?

[TenBook]

Show yourself some compassion, you deserve it. This is hard and it's okay that it is hard.

[TenBook]

Mustardseed,

What advice would you give to someone in your situation?

[Karma12]

It's hard to see clearly when you are feeling so emotional. It sounds like you are in a bit of a panic mode. Try listening to some relaxation music, have a hot bath, go for a run or a walk. If you can find a way to distress and get a good nights sleep things will look differently. I know how awful it feels when ur home no longer feels like a home and there is negative tension. I found burning some sented candles and doing things that brought me peace and comfort would help me cope. Sending hugs

[mustardseed]

I first read your responses this morning but didn't get a chance to answer. My first instinct was to say, "I'd tell her to get out of there as fast as possible". My obsessing over where he goes, who he talks to, where he sleeps when he doesn't come home is overwhelming. I never felt like that about him before, but I never thought of him as the type to cheat.

But since in his mind the marriage is over, then it isn't cheating and he doesn't have to explain anything. That drives me crazy.

But somehow, last night I got this feeling that maybe I know what he meant by me not making him important in my life. I thought about our needs and wants and I think we both have different ideas of where we want our lives to go. I do think I made extended family equally important and I think he wanted our little family to be first. Every year we take 2 family vacations with my family--he stopped going. It has been a long time since we could afford to take a trip on our own so it was always through my parents. It was too much for him. He pulled away. I kept going without him, making him feel guilty for not coming along until it just felt natural to always do it without him. I enjoy the trips and so do the kids. He apparently doesn't.

He always wanted to move out of state, I couldn't bear to move away from everyone. We ended up stuck in limbo because we were both being pulled in different directions. He wants something different then I do, and in his mind I always got my way. I can be selfish and stubborn about things. But also, I felt like his plans were never really plans. If he had a real game plan in mind I would have considered it. So I would ask questions--is the job market there better? I don't know what I would do to make friends. Is there anything to do that is not sports related? I don't want to live more than 20 minutes away from a beach. I don't want anything too rural. blah blah blah. I think I made it hard for him to dream beyond the initial stages.

Now I have a job that is really hard to come by and one you don't pass up. I waited 7 years for this and it feels like I won the lotto. I wouldn't move with him now. 2 years ago I might have considered it, but he stopped bringing it up. I wonder if he was thinking of this divorce as an opportunity to finally follow that dream. I'm at a point now where I don't want to stop him. I want to be his friend. I don't want to be this jealous, insecure wreck. I don't think our marriage can be saved because I think the problems are far more than the drama of the past 14 months. And I don't know if I'd even be capable of compromise if that is what he wants. I'd have to let him go. And I want to be able to do that as his friend.

So i decided my focus is going to be becoming his friend. I won't ask anymore questions about where he is or who he is with or where he is sleeping. The whole family has come to terms with the fact that this marriage is essentially over. So if I can just stop thinking of him as my H, and work on becoming his friend maybe he can confide in me what he wants and I can let him have it with or without me.

I know this post is full of mind reading. But between the DB coach asking me to pretend I was him while she asked questions about me (very eye opening and emotionally difficult to do), and him breaking down and saying "you never put me first!" I think I am finally coming out of my own self-pity and I'm no longer feeling like the victim I've allowed myself to be these past 2 months.

I have to go back to work tomorrow after a 15 day vacation (way too long). It has been tumultuous and emotionally draining. I look forward to the break from this 2 week emotional roller coaster and getting back to work. Every vacation has felt like this since BD but this was definitely the worst.Probably because of the deadline I gave myself, and his secretive approach to everything.

so 2015 goals:
make myself more healthy by working the steps and getting help
become H's friend. I will know I have accomplished this when he sends me an FB friend request. Talks to me about his desires. Tells me things going on in his life and not keeping everything such a secret.