barely holding on - 6

[u-turn]

Thanks OD, HP, paul, Bilbo for your support.
It has been an interesting two days into this new turn - as I expected it would be.

She heard me - I didn't think she would, but she heard me. She has ignored me for months, but NOW she is responding.

Yesterday she cried - a lot. She showed me anger that quickly turned to sobbing. She asked what we are going to do. She accused me of not doing what is good for the kids. She told me we would probably have to sell the house. I have stayed calm, kept a loving look on my face, listened to her, acknowledged the things that I agreed with. Told her that I absolutely want to do what's best for the kids and myself.

Today, she told me that she knows that I want her to leave, she read me some article about causes of affairs, she tried to put blame on me for the affair, accused me of not being forgiving, accused me of breaking up the family, cried, tried to tell me that she has not talked with OM since, told me we were in no financial position to separate and we would need to figure that out so we could provide two proper homes for the kids. She wanted to wait for 2 months to figure out if she still has a job. She wanted to tell me about how bad it went with OM two weeks ago and how she was wandering the streets of Chicago at 230 in the morning.

I told her that I did not want to hear anything about it. If you were in trouble you could have called me. I still care about you.

I am trying to show my strength - not by tossing her out, but by standing for myself.

She is seeing that I am un-moved by her ranting, that I am not allowing it to move me. I think she sees that I am done (though she still knows how to get to me. She has not mentioned the kids before and now this is all about what's best for them - she knows I will do anything for them.)

I asked her what she wanted me to do, just sit back and watch you? She looked stunned by the fact that I didn't want to do that (any more).

When she put blame on me for the affair, I acknowledged that I was not a perfect husband and I told her I wish I could change it or show her more, but told her that she could not blame me for her affair, it was her decision. She agreed.

I need to make sure that I remember this. She wanted me to hear and accept her (that is what OM has given her - she says). I wish I can work on this - and really hope someday to be able to. As her blame went, that is what was missing (I don't really understand this, but I have to note it for now). This is all great to hear right now when it seems to be too late.

My head is spinning - I am staying strong - I know she is trying everything to make this go away (and I half believe she just wants it all to go away). She is also trying to throw everything at me to manipulate me again. I told her that this cannot just go away.

She left here crying

She has not said that she wants to fix this, but is showing that she does not want her family broken up.

It is very hard to focus on anything but swatting when I've stirred up the hornets nest.

Sorry for the messy post!!
Thanks everyone