Angry WAH blames me for everything.......(2)

[Calibri]

When it rains. It pours. And it's monsoon season over here ya'll.

Nothing bad specifically to me or H per say. But things happening to other people. My neighbor died on Tuesday. On Friday, a family member learned their cancer had returned - worse. And possibly in the brain. He is most likely terminal, but will wait to see after further scans, doctor visits, etc. Yesterday, a friend's husband died. They had been separated for 15 months.

Normally, I would say, "oh that [censored]" and likely wouldn't give the situations more than a few thoughts. But with my own relationship filled with uncertainty and, in turn, my life, these life events are causing me to pause. To reflect.

Life is so short. Even when it's a long life, it's short. The quality of the life we live, the life in our years, those are what matter. My mom, who is an oncology nurse, says at the end, her patients reflect upon their lives and often have regrets. Regrets for not really living. Regrets for not loving enough. They always meant to to do something, "when they had the time." To take that trip, to show their spouse how important they were, to live a little. And then, life got in the way. Bills, stress, self absorption. And when living your life is no longer an option? When you no longer have the time or opportunities? It's hard to find peace. To die with the what ifs lingering in the back of your mind.

Friend's husband dying, has really given me pause. They were separated for 15 months. She loved him dearly, but their situation wasn't a healthy one. The last time I caught up, she was opening her heart, and home to him to see if they could do it. To have a healthy relationship. And now, he's gone. My heart aches for her. But most of what I ache for, lie in the feelings I would have in her situation. How she would never have an answer either way with her relationship. Hoping that the last year of bad memories didn't overshadow the good. The grief she's feeling. The unanswered "what ifs". The unknown.

I think, the unknown, for many of us is a double edged sword. It can kill us or save us. I don't like the unknown, because I don't know what it brings me. I can't control it. But at the same time, what if the unknown is the best thing for us? Because at one point, our lives, were unknown. We had no idea what jobs would open up for us, how we would meet our spouses, if we would have kids. It was all unknown.

Many could argue that our current situations suck. And they do. But the unknown, while it brings pain, brings opportunity. For growth, for reflection, for resolutions, for clarity, for achievement.

Personally, this week has scared the bejesus out of me. It makes me want to run to my H and take him by the shoulders and shake him while simultaneously saying, "we have to fix this because what if one of us dies, I don't want us to live with regrets and the what ifs!"

But, I'm not. Instead I'm resolving to continue to work on myself and facing the unknown. I hope that H does the same. I hope for clarity and I pray that something like death, won't derail our train. Wherever it happens to lead.