Jim0987 #9 - Blackholes, cats and overanalysis

[Mozza]

jim0987: I finally understand what's going on in your sitch! I can't believe I didn't see it earlier. I think your W has found an OM. Sorry to break it to you, but I thought you should know.

So there: she will be unpleasant to you, blame you for everything, keep you at a distance, dislike everything you do right, will be controlling and critical, will only listen to friends and family validating her, etc. Don't mind it!

My point is: your WAW is textbook. We could all predict her behavior here. Yet, you keep being affected by it, as if it were sincere. Believe none of what you hear, half of what you see.

I simply don't understand why you keep reporting these interactions here, even less why you think so much about them as if they revealed some awful truth. She's been on the same tape for weeks and months. She dislikes you, thinks you're controlling an unpleasant, she wants out, her friend and sister agree.

What you need to do is to ignore these predictable rants. Hear them for what they are: tapes. Then focus on doing the right thing and stop expecting immediate results. The tape won't change for months. You don't know if you have a chance. Just apply the method consistently and see what happens.

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BTW, I'll repeat here what my IC told me about my sitch: He thinks I'm so sad my W is gone because I lack confidence around women and being single confronts me to my fear of rejection with them because I'll have to find a new one (just writing this feels embarrassing because I confess to my need). Your lack of confidence, your pleasure in bringing yourself down, in repeatedly describing your faults at length make me think that maybe it applies to you as well.

You've described only the awful side of your W that it's hard for me to know why you want her back, but that's your choice. Much like a few other people her (KGirl, LisaB especially), I think you should think of who else is out there and whether you can do better. But you have a lot of work to do on yourself first. Look at Calibri for an example of a healthy look at herself, where she's willing to see her flaws without falling in the trap of self-pity.

We're on your side!