Card29 IX - New Year, New Card

[labug]

I wrote the above before I read uR's post but maybe you need to hear it twice.

Here's a blow your mind thing about finding out about the affair. It was going on for a long time and you didn't know about it. And then you found out.

What changed with that knowledge?

Who changed with that knowledge?

People having affairs lie to stay safe, much like addicts lie to get their next high. It goes with the territory.

Take a few days, do a lot of GAL.

[Card29]

Thinking clearly now, I think part of me felt entitled to an outburst. I regret it

[labug]

Kill the control monster.

[uRworthy]

Freddy, I want you to know that I understand your feelings. It is hurtful news.

But here's where your changes are being tested. Not by her, nor for her...for you.

Nothing has really changed. She still wants out of the marriage. You still need to hear that she does.

She did what she did. Cant undo it.

In her mind, she needed to do it. Her choice to live with.

Hurting people hurt people. That goes both ways.

What you need to choose is who are you going to be moving forward? Who do you want to see when you look back at this time in your life?

[uRworthy]

And oh yea, OM's w...not your circus, not your monkey.

All of that, is theirs to sort out...not your problem, right?

[Mozza]

It happened so fast. I was just chilling, then I started thinking about OM's W, wondering if she knew about it. I sent WAW a question, and she immediately knew what I was getting at. It spiraled quickly, I got even more mad.

I really don't get it. It must be a question of temperament. Why would you make the effort of sending a text when doing nothing serves you better? I see a pattern. You couldn't help pursuing her earlier. It was always just a little text, a comment in passing, etc. Now it's this lashing. Do you have some impulse control problem? Was it where the porn addiction came from? You seem to have it under control now.

Anyway, next time you have such an impulse, throw the phone away on your couch or bed, then wait a few minutes and decide if it's worth it. You really need a mechanism. I don't know if you realize, but it will keep you from achieving your goals. Confessing to doing it here does not cancel it. At some point, you will have done some real, lasting damage.

[Card29]

I agree. I was just angry and thought about her. To be honest, I visted "another" Internet forum where I hadn't posted in a while. I forgot why I stopped posting there. I shared the news and they got me all riled up about OM's W. I initially said that my heart went out to her, but I was in no place to try to go that route, especially since I know nothing about OM. I don't want to learn anything about him. But I kept arguing with them and I eventually got mad enough to text WAW about it. That convo went downhill. Simultaneous to that, the other people were pretty much insulting my manhood and fatherhood for not planting bugs in WAW's car to find out who OM is. I'm never going back there

Oh, and I did download the headspace app. I tried to start it while walking my dogs...not knowing until a couple of minutes in that that would be impossible. I'll sit down in a quiet place soon.

[Card29]

It happened so fast. I was just chilling, then I started thinking about OM's W, wondering if she knew about it. I sent WAW a question, and she immediately knew what I was getting at. It spiraled quickly, I got even more mad.

I really don't get it. It must be a question of temperament. Why would you make the effort of sending a text when doing nothing serves you better? I see a pattern. You couldn't help pursuing her earlier. It was always just a little text, a comment in passing, etc. Now it's this lashing. Do you have some impulse control problem? Was it where the porn addiction came from? You seem to have it under control now.

Anyway, next time you have such an impulse, throw the phone away on your couch or bed, then wait a few minutes and decide if it's worth it. You really need a mechanism. I don't know if you realize, but it will keep you from achieving your goals. Confessing to doing it here does not cancel it. At some point, you will have done some real, lasting damage.

Yes, I do have an impulse control problem. Porn, angry outbursts (though rare), pursuit during DB, bad food choices. Yep

Turning to a bad support group triggered it, though

[Card29]

Impulse control has been on my 180 list for a few months now. I failed at pursuit a lot, but I did eat better and kick porn to the curb. I'd like to think last night was a momentary setback and not an indication that I'm never going to change

[Sotto]

Yeah, the source of support is important. I've noticed that if I have been talking to friends who are saying - I don't know why you put up with this etc. - I start to get all fired up.

The big thing I say to myself is if I am angry, the answer is do nothing, stew for a couple of days or whatever. Most times I process things and am glad not to have done anything.

The other thing to maybe consider is writing to your W but not send it. Maybe have an 'angry text book' and whenever you get the urge, put your angry text or note in there. It gets it out from your mind and written - and hopefully the impulse is assauged but the 'heat of the moment' message is not sent..