Hi guys. It has been a busy and rough few weeks. I appreciate everyone checking in on me, you're all so kind and genuine. I appreciate that so much. I really, really do.
H has been around a lot. The holidays meant Hanukkah at a friends' house, so he was there. A Christmas dinner at another friends' house meant he was there, too. New Years - he was there (which was really hard because midnight with no one to kiss is awful), all the days I was working but had no one to watch D, he was there (actually, he was here in the house which I didn't love but I didn't fight it, it was easier on D).
Christmas was hard. Nothing under the tree for me. Empty stocking. I'm an adult, I know but, like an idiot, I put stuff in his stocking and got him some small things to at least have something to open. He left these things behind in the house for a week before I, like an idiot, put them all in a bag and requested he take them next time he came over.
New Year's Day was awful. I cried the whole day. I hated 2014 and I'm not optimistic about 2015.
This is not a journey, it's a Labyrinth and I'm walking in circles.
I don't know how I'm doing with DB. Nothing has changed. I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing. He seems to be just fine with how things are and there are no signs he wants to work on our marriage.
One good thing: I haven't begged, asked, pursued, hinted, etc about our "status". It has been hard in my most desperate moments but I don't ask because I'm afraid I already know his answer.
I feel like I'm a cork bobbing in a lake. No direction. I guess you could say I'm accepting of everything but I'm not doing this well at all.
I just don't know what to do. Doing nothing is feeling like torture.
I'm going to respond before I read the rest of your thread.
First off, I'm relieved that you're physically OK. (((( )))
About the cork bobbing, set your own course and start paddling like he!! in the direction of your new life. (Doesn't mean you have to do anything legal)
That's what this journey is about, finding you. This is your hero's journey. You're still looking to him for signals of who you should be.
2015 will be better because you can make it so. That is completely up to you.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
