Wow- brave you heading out on a trip and dealing with relatives you haven't seen in a long time. good luck with them all . i wanted to hide out totally. (well- i always felt like running right away- to a new country/life - but that wouldn't fix anything really) my animal instinct - hide while you're overly "vulnerable" -
this got long- so sorry about that - just ditch it and don't read if it's a bore.
You're here so that's good - I am sorry about that , but it will help you ALOT. I THINK it's "saved" me, the support i find here. (i cannot make myself go back and think about the pain of the start of all this for me - too bad to ever go back there).... you'll get thru it- this place will help you. not being the only one and alone with it is huge.
I am Sorry to say it- but you have to learn to be patient with yourself - all we can do is suck it all up- work thru the intense pain & treason as best you can- one day after a long long time you'll stop asking your brain "how could he" and "why" - that was a MAJOR breaktrhu after what seemed like forever - Remember in book where mwd says "howwever long it takes, it feels like a million times longer"? , that is soooo true. just plod forward and discard any thoughts of quick success or "recuperation". that sounds crumnmie - but my experience is that any "improvement" in my ability to cope, lessening of pain, all came slowly. talk - pick friends who love you & will support anything you feel - the people who will work hard at seeing your point of view & respect it).and not just trot out dopey , popular old advice .
at the very beginning someone sent me a little perspective instruction, something like "see it as an automobile accident. first thing- just breath, then stop the bleeding, then try moving, then , well, can't remember, but i do remember thinking yeah- i can breath.....
I told myself a million times and still do - all i have to do is just get thru today, and then just try and get some sleep tonite- it is totally true that one day at a time needs to be our matra. i still tell myself "you can always chuck it all tomorrow".
don't feel badly or let anyone judge your quickness to move on and be totally recovered - and prepare yourself for a long time of "withdrawal" from your prior life most people, it seems, initially have the attitude of "well, just dump him, you deserve better, you're great" , etc) it is meant to comfort and but is really kind of unthinking. they do not understand (as i did not understand) the decimation a lbs feels - i'm ashamed now i didn't do better with people i'd known in past (before mlc in my own life. i actuaally said dopey things like that, he's not worth it, etc. sooo shallow of nme - - i never could've envisioned the total life-threatening pain & numbness one could feel. and how long it takes to overcome it. now i see, have been there - til it happens to you- it would seem impossible to 'get" the depth of destruction.
it does get less painful- i'm grateful for that. Tho, i'd say it was a couple years before i began to be "painless" daily. (unless you run into someone new that loves you madly- that could probably really speed up the process). i have no "heart" to look around - and no one has come knocking on my door. i'm like the dog that comes back to t heir old home for years after the family ditched him. some dumb beast that just goes on instinct. (sad but true- maybe anyway)
we can't quickly (& honestly) shut off love of many many years ... it's not what it used to be , but still some kind of "tie" holds me. 'm workin on it still - maybe forever??? but little landmarks do come- you will unwittingly just proceed out of this awful awful period - more patience is required than you ever thought you had or could muster- but you will....
the "pain" now is more just duller & snmaller and flits in and out sometimes..it's not "bleeding" tho. i do believe now - objectively - it is more about him than me being suddenly awful. am not even "going there" to begin thinking of allll the "he did, i did," etc - I find now, after 3 years post bomb - stopping talking about it and thinking about it and trying and trying to figure it out, is a big step forward. It just happened - but it was good to talk it over and share my misery when it was fresh. it will help you alot.
neither of us is/was perfect- i think the things in his life that happened and bothered him- he just took one of the quickest "fix" steps - affair with someone around in the wings always available & willing.
pitiful that so complex & long and good a life with me became wiped away in the blink of an eye (it feels like) because the excitement of feeling desireable (big time & newly & excitingly) was so easy and quick a solution to life's issues (for him) I gave him a ton more credit - dopey me. . cripes! flattering huh? no wonder our ego and self-opinion gets bashed to death.
i have to admit- if i met someone i liked alot and he adored the ground i walked on- i'd probably (now) take it and blow h out of the old airlock . I never wanted to cheat - i don't know how people can in good conscience. oh well- no conscience? idk...(their issues/problem)
It's hard (i thought) to deal with almost anyone back when i was newly "destroyed" (well- dramatic, but felt like it) by finding out about h's ow, etc. We had lived together 36 yrs then, (it's about 3 yrs later now - we have 2 houses so spend time together & apart. I think perhaps that is harder - when i'm with him sometimes i can imagine being DONE with this & him. when we're apart - i am lonely and sometimes i forget, like you, it's all gone belly-up . my mind still reverts to it's habit of many years. I do not now think of him alllllll the time- which i actually did for the bulk of my adult life. it's better for my happiness levels - bad theoretically i think because it's me letting go of him and "that life". i'm not sure about my "hope" levels anymore. still ahve some i guess because i'm here...???idk where this will end for us...
i'm such a dedicated and loyal animal- he was (is?) part of who i am. i have tons of issues with walking away from him entirely. lots of "junk" in my life last bunch of years- me, money, family, death, no kids, lots & lots. etc. same for everyone i 'd think. since i'm not forced & he's gotten lots nicer - even more difficult to plunge myself into hardships of a few other varieties. it's surely not easy or quick.
i miss love in my life tho - i don't think that will ever go away - i'm not going to die from this (i now realize) so who knows what the future can hold? forgive the really well-meaning nutballs who tell you go on line and in five minutes you can have a new life, job, love, look, etc. it's like dieting- quick to pr escribe - really takes tons of willpower & time to get thru this & all the attendant damage to our psyches. imho anyway.
As everyone says (and it's hard as heck to believe) - the pain and shock does lessen. I am not "cured" and tra la'ing on in life- but i am not sooooooo mortified on a daily basis. i'm dragging my feet because i cannot truly (still) decide if this guy should be in my life in any capacity or out of it totally. it seems to be an all or nothing decision. i am living in compromise- but it's not so hot...
I'd say, the forum & chatting with people who are in the sanme boat- have been thru it- have input- will help a ton. come here and "get it all out". even if ya feel pathetic and icky about it - it's theraputic and i think people that keep it in, and don't talk thru troubles in life, end up with even bigger ones. (i want to say mlc - ta da- i believe if my h could ever just be normal and share his thoughts and feelings - perhaps we wouldn't be where we are?) If you have or find a friend that's been thru something similar- it is amazing how comforting it is to have someone just listen and for you to get it out.
The beach walking is great - if you find yourself just thinking and thinking (waaay too much) - try doing stomach crunches while walking. perk up our bodies - exercise for you &your mental & physical health and force yourself to do it. I walk and many times have stormed out of house & done it to just get myself out, moving and not thinking - busy doing something "proeductive" and it's a great outlet.
i also have a couple friends who can understand my point of view- and don't judge or preach. women like me- in marriages for 30+ years - they do "get" how awful they'd feel and it's not a simple matter of walking away and feeling okay. . it's part of you by now - extricating from a lifetime habit (addiction for me) it's hugely complicated "problem".
you'll get thru it- because you want to. the only easy answers are probably not the best ones. good luck - hang on