Jim0987 #9 - Blackholes, cats and overanalysis

[jim0987]

The honest answer is because it's the kids house and we both make sure they are put first (as much as the situation allows). I'm quite happy for wife TI be hone on my days (I prefer it) but she wants me gone so I oblige.

[jim0987]

So thinking on my earlier posts. This evening wife and I have to take the Christmas decorations down and I'd like to try and make this fun. I guess its just about having a relaxed fun positive attitude

[edz]

Sounds a good plan, be careful about slipping into any "last time we...." Kind of scenarios though, made that mistake in July regarding anniversary and it didn't do me any favours

Get your point re the kids, I think its good to keep their stability at this stage, my s ended up being at Mil's or out with me (remember the can't go to the flat since it would upset him ) think its much better now he has two stable places but its taken a while and w is still wobbly about "not setting a precident for multi night stays". So in your case I can understand the stable place idea.

[jim0987]

journalling about this evening.

in the end i crashed a mates house for a couple of hours before heading home for just after the kids tea time. Got my best PMA on and came through the door happy and cheery (possible a bit over the top but i've maybe always done that)

They all seemed to have a nice day but my wife did seem a bit annoyed about something which seemed to be the way i diverted the kids attention from her and that i got them a bit worked up. I did also settle them again though.

W said she wanted to take down the christmas decorations this evening and split them along with a bunch of the kids toys. A whole lot of interaction so as is my usual some key points that stick out for me (order all wrong)

* W was determined to keep it all business like I opted for more friendly and helpful. W was very cold

* she asked if i was going to replace my car and i said probably not unless I had to. my car is fine and i'm managing. I might need a bigger one but i can hire one for the week or so when i really need the space. I went on to say it seems stupid that 6 months ago i would talk about new cars and stuff all the time even though i knew they didnt really matter.

* She asked about the christmas decorations and I said she could keep them all. we had a tradition of always buying baubles to mark events in our relationship. I said she could have all of these as they were 'our tradition' and that I'll think of a new one for the future. My W did say that 'that attitude isnt going to work - I dont want you to tell me I can have something just so you can be have a go later about it'. I told her that if I'm saying she can have something then i'm fine with that. Again this plays into her narrative that i'm somehow vengeful

* we discussed some outside lights which it turns out we both hate and yet kept putting them up because we thought the other one wanted them. My W said 'this just proves we cant communicate with each other'

* she made another jab about my family thinking of her as an evil witch, I said they dont and what they think doesnt matter anyway. she said that's right they dont matter.

* I asked about why she never bought the sideboard she wanted. She said because i wouldnt let her. I said I had told her my concern about space but I thought we had agreed she would order it.

* we discussed a mirror that she wants. I know this seems trivial but its a mirror where she said she wanted it, told me, bought it and then i put it up - no issues. I kind of made this point given her view that she couldnt jsut get things

* I asked if she was excited by her new house and she said excited is the last thing she is about her new house then didnt want to discuss it.

* each of our kids have boxes of 'special things' like their first baby grow and wife asked how we would split these. I said i dont know and would prefer to leave it a while before we do. She asked 'Whats special to you' I said got upset at this and said 'you, you were almost the most special thing to me' I had to leave the room for 30 seconds or so to recompose myself but the damage was done at that point

* I was helpful with all the moving stuff, basically helped her to pack (not sure this is good DB but its what i would do for a neigbour)

* Had a brief but pleasant chat before i came upstairs, roughly went
M: I going to go play on my xbox. I've got a new game and its good to spend a bit of time playing again
W: Chatting to your mates at the same time
M: No, by myself. I didnt really feel i could do that before
W: I never stopped you
M: I felt like it but then we both spent too much time making assumptions about each other
W: ......
M: Enjoy catching up on your tele


Anyway so a lot of interaction, A lot of it bad DB'g but all with the undercurrent that for the most part I was chatty, supportive and happy. My W is surrounded by so much negativity I dont think i should be more of that if i can help it.

[edz]

Hi Jim

Sorry you had such a stressful evening. I chose to leave all the Christmas decorations with w at the flat and start again with new decorations that s helped me pick. From the tree to the personalised baubles.

[jim0987]

OK i really need to work on my tone as I thought it went ok all things considered.

I'd rather have not got upset and had that moment but without that i thought it was ok. I know some may seem pursuing but at the same time i was helping her pack to leave.

[edz]

Hi Jim, good, sorry yes I thought it had rattled you I'm glad I was wrong

[jim0987]

Its a bit of a stupid intangible goal but since i wont stop her moving our the best i hope to sow at least reasonable doubt that her issues with me are gone.

it wont be enough to spark reattraction at this stage (and certainly not until OM1 is out of the picture) but to try and slay a few demons about me so that some good memories can escape back into her conciousness

[jim0987]

First repeat lesson of the day. What happened

W: (joking) I'll just leave the kids their and go back to bed for 3 hours
M: you know if you want I can watch them for a bit so you can rest
W: (aggresive tone) no. It's my day, I can cope with them no matter how rubbish I feel
M: I wasn't suggesting you can't, you always do a great job with them.


So ^^^^^ shows not learning

What should have happened

W: (joking) I'll just leave the kids there for a bit and go back to bed for 3 hours
M: (joking) do you think 3 hours is enough, the kids may not have got all the toys out by then

[jim0987]

Well we told the kids this morning that mummy is moving out. It was horrible

My wife did the talking and said how 'we' decided and that afterwards 'we might find it easier to be friends'

I told her she did well but that I would prefer she hasn't made out I had a choice in this.

She then said she would email nursery to tell them and I reminded her I told them months ago. She said she didn't know and that I made her look stupid. I said I did tell her so she sarcastically said 'well I guess that's just another example of our communication issues'

She seemed unfazed entirely except to be pissed at my reaction, and since D3 thinks its a big adventure W is really happy now. Meanwhile I feel like [censored]

Reconciliation has genuinely never felt a more distant prospect, and Im not sure my wife sees anything good in me.

I desperately want to argue with her, basically beg and plead, so right now I've retreated to my room and am gulping down the STFU juice