Inside my chrysalis 9

[Calibri]

H has been around a lot. The holidays meant Hanukkah at a friends' house, so he was there. A Christmas dinner at another friends' house meant he was there, too. New Years - he was there (which was really hard because midnight with no one to kiss is awful), all the days I was working but had no one to watch D, he was there (actually, he was here in the house which I didn't love but I didn't fight it, it was easier on D).

Here's to the holidays being over!

New Year's Day was awful. I cried the whole day. I hated 2014 and I'm not optimistic about 2015.

I cried all of NYE until I went to bed at 9pm and binged watched Netflix. And then I cried some more. Why no optimism about 2015? Aside from the obvious things outlined?

One good thing: I haven't begged, asked, pursued, hinted, etc about our "status". It has been hard in my most desperate moments but I don't ask because I'm afraid I already know his answer.

But what's your answer? You have just as much of a say as he does? What's the right answer for you, at least right now?

I just don't know what to do. Doing nothing is feeling like torture.

I'm sorry. But I am glad that you are back. I've been thinking about you? Any progress on your daughter?

What's something that you would like to do for yourself right now?

[Ss06]

Ss, great to hear from you!

But this is terrible:

Christmas was hard. Nothing under the tree for me. Empty stocking. I'm an adult, I know but, like an idiot, I put stuff in his stocking and got him some small things to at least have something to open. He left these things behind in the house for a week before I, like an idiot, put them all in a bag and requested he take them next time he came over.

Your H makes me mad. Grrrr....

I'm sorry you are feeling lost right now. You say doing nothing feels like torture. What would you like to do? Really, deep down, what would you like to see happen here?

He makes me mad, too, but more than mad I'm just hurt. Deeply hurt. It's a heavy feeling deep in my chest, all this hurt. I don't want to carry it around anymore but letting it go and still maintaining a co parenting relationship feels too hard. I just want him to disappear from my life completely.

What do I want to see happen? One of two things:

1. He begins to work on our marriage WITH me. We work to fix this chit and put it back together with no bailing out or excuses.

2. We divorce and he is in my life minimally.

I seem to equate letting go of this pain with letting go of him completely.

The facts are:

1. I am not attracted to him at all. He has put on a vast amount of weight, is unemployed, now smokes a pipe, drinks quite a bit and has a serious porn addiction (and possibly an escort addiction given the $2,000 cash withdrawal I saw on the bank statement the other day).

2. He doesn't seem attracted to me in the slightest.

3. We can't even make eye contact.

4. No talk of or movement towards separating finances, selling the house, etc.

5. He makes dinner for D and me on nights I work until 5:30. He washes the dog. He sweeps the driveway. He asks if I need milk while he's at the market. He empties my dishwasher. He does all of this while I'm at work. I have no idea what any of that means but it's weird.

I don't know if I'm coming or going but 99% less contact would be good for me.

[Ss06]

What's my answer, Calibri? Movement in some direction is my answer. I'm not ready to throw in the towel yet. The idea still makes me sweat and my skin get prickly and my heart pound. Clearly I'm not ready but I think about it a lot. I think about dividing up the dishes and packing up the books and showing the house... It gives me apoplexy but I think about it.

If I have a say in this too, then why does it go his way? Sorry to sound like a child. I'm feeling like a victim at the moment. Empowerment and strength have been very slippery for me lately.

2015 doesn't look promising because it's likely the year of the divorce.


I've been thinking about you, too Calibri. I need to go catch up on things with you.

Thanks for asking about my daughter. The doctors from whom I need chart notes in order to begin the testing phase were all on vacation over the holidays. They are my first calls Monday morning.

I don't know what I'd like to do for myself right now. Nothing seems to make me feel better. Any ideas??

[gan]

So glad to hear that you are OK, Ss. I've been wondering about you.

Sorry to hear that the last few weeks have been rough. The holidays were difficult for a lot of us LBS. I'm sure in time you will return to being the strong Ss we've come to know.

In terms of the cash withdrawal - remind me, have you guys separated finances? Might be a good idea if no. I so hated it when my H suggested we separate finances when he moved out, but in hindsight it has given me the security and independence I needed (to say nothing of the fact that I don't want to see what he's spending money on).

[Ss06]

Hi, ganb8te!

No, we have not separated finances. I've learned to just not look. I don't think I'm at a place where I can make that kind of stride. It's just too close to a step in the direction I don't want to go.

Perhaps that's denial though.

[Karma12]

The holidays are a hard time and not even getting you a gift from your kids was mean. My kids are adults and they remember all the times I worked extra to make Christmas happen for them so they always make sure I have a full stocking and gifts to open. I still stuff stockings for them too and they are 32,30,28 and 25 yrs old! Lol Maybe start new traditions with your kids for next year.

[Georgiabelle]

SS,

I'm sorry the holidays have been rough. Hopefully, things get a bit easier for you and that you get some help/guidance regarding your D.

I agree with Maybell. Back away from seeing your h so much. It will help you with detachment and healing. Sending you a hug!

[Ss06]

Hi, Ss. Welcome back! I was worried about you.

What's going on with your spitfire D?

2014 was a rough year but 2015 will be what you make it. So decide that you've had enough of cr@p and you're ready to take the yuck and chuck it so 2015 will be the year Ss finds out how awesome she is.

You've been with your H since you were 19, right, freshly emerging from your appalling childhood?

Guess what, this time is the gift you've been given to grow into your own woman. To find out what makes your engine rev when you get to drive the bus solo.

IMO you spend way too much time with him. How can you detach when he shows up for most of your GAL? What can you do to separate more deeply from him?

HUGS, my dear, this is a low. Start cranking up that hill again, the view is much nicer from the top.

How did I miss seeing this, maybell?

Yes, been with H since I was 19 fresh from a traumatic and appalling childhood. I do want to find what makes my engine rev when I have the keys, I do.

I agree with you, I spend WAY too much time with him. I try to keep to myself when he's around. I don't engage much but I'm afraid I'm coming across as antisocial or aloof. Over the holidays I just couldn't NOT be aloof, I was in just so much pain but now? I just need him to not be around. This upcoming week with school starting back... It'll be easier.

He texted me tonight and invited me out with D tomorrow. I would love to hang with D but I'm over all these "family" outings. I don't want to be his buddy. I feel guilty though because that's one more thing on D. Less of the three of us. Is that a bad decision? I just don't know.

I'm climbing that hill. I am. I know it has only been 6 months but I'm exhausted of all this. I think I need to get away.

[Maybell]

If he spent $2000 on escorts I wouldn't even want to breathe the same air as him.

You didn't fo this to D, he did. Allowing him to lead you around like that when he is using family funds that way is letting him be abusive. You are under no obligation to spend time with someone who causes you pain. Decline the invitation with a clear conscience. She may not thank you now but she will when she's grown -- and a strong healthy adult is the goal of evey good parent, right?

Wish we could have a DB reunion! I know it's exhausting. Just keep swimming, just keep swimming.

And DON'T go so long without telling us you're ok again, alright?

[labug]

Hi guys. It has been a busy and rough few weeks. I appreciate everyone checking in on me, you're all so kind and genuine. I appreciate that so much. I really, really do.

H has been around a lot. The holidays meant Hanukkah at a friends' house, so he was there. A Christmas dinner at another friends' house meant he was there, too. New Years - he was there (which was really hard because midnight with no one to kiss is awful), all the days I was working but had no one to watch D, he was there (actually, he was here in the house which I didn't love but I didn't fight it, it was easier on D).

Christmas was hard. Nothing under the tree for me. Empty stocking. I'm an adult, I know but, like an idiot, I put stuff in his stocking and got him some small things to at least have something to open. He left these things behind in the house for a week before I, like an idiot, put them all in a bag and requested he take them next time he came over.

New Year's Day was awful. I cried the whole day. I hated 2014 and I'm not optimistic about 2015.

This is not a journey, it's a Labyrinth and I'm walking in circles.

I don't know how I'm doing with DB. Nothing has changed. I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing. He seems to be just fine with how things are and there are no signs he wants to work on our marriage.

One good thing: I haven't begged, asked, pursued, hinted, etc about our "status". It has been hard in my most desperate moments but I don't ask because I'm afraid I already know his answer.

I feel like I'm a cork bobbing in a lake. No direction. I guess you could say I'm accepting of everything but I'm not doing this well at all.

I just don't know what to do. Doing nothing is feeling like torture.

I'm going to respond before I read the rest of your thread.

First off, I'm relieved that you're physically OK. (((( )))

About the cork bobbing, set your own course and start paddling like he!! in the direction of your new life. (Doesn't mean you have to do anything legal)

That's what this journey is about, finding you. This is your hero's journey. You're still looking to him for signals of who you should be.

2015 will be better because you can make it so. That is completely up to you.