Christmas was hard. Nothing under the tree for me. Empty stocking. I'm an adult, I know but, like an idiot, I put stuff in his stocking and got him some small things to at least have something to open. He left these things behind in the house for a week before I, like an idiot, put them all in a bag and requested he take them next time he came over.
Your H makes me mad. Grrrr....
I'm sorry you are feeling lost right now. You say doing nothing feels like torture. What would you like to do? Really, deep down, what would you like to see happen here?
He makes me mad, too, but more than mad I'm just hurt. Deeply hurt. It's a heavy feeling deep in my chest, all this hurt. I don't want to carry it around anymore but letting it go and still maintaining a co parenting relationship feels too hard. I just want him to disappear from my life completely.
What do I want to see happen? One of two things:
1. He begins to work on our marriage WITH me. We work to fix this chit and put it back together with no bailing out or excuses.
2. We divorce and he is in my life minimally.
I seem to equate letting go of this pain with letting go of him completely.
The facts are:
1. I am not attracted to him at all. He has put on a vast amount of weight, is unemployed, now smokes a pipe, drinks quite a bit and has a serious porn addiction (and possibly an escort addiction given the $2,000 cash withdrawal I saw on the bank statement the other day).
2. He doesn't seem attracted to me in the slightest.
3. We can't even make eye contact.
4. No talk of or movement towards separating finances, selling the house, etc.
5. He makes dinner for D and me on nights I work until 5:30. He washes the dog. He sweeps the driveway. He asks if I need milk while he's at the market. He empties my dishwasher. He does all of this while I'm at work. I have no idea what any of that means but it's weird.
I don't know if I'm coming or going but 99% less contact would be good for me.
