Hi guys. It has been a busy and rough few weeks. I appreciate everyone checking in on me, you're all so kind and genuine. I appreciate that so much. I really, really do.
H has been around a lot. The holidays meant Hanukkah at a friends' house, so he was there. A Christmas dinner at another friends' house meant he was there, too. New Years - he was there (which was really hard because midnight with no one to kiss is awful), all the days I was working but had no one to watch D, he was there (actually, he was here in the house which I didn't love but I didn't fight it, it was easier on D).
Christmas was hard. Nothing under the tree for me. Empty stocking. I'm an adult, I know but, like an idiot, I put stuff in his stocking and got him some small things to at least have something to open. He left these things behind in the house for a week before I, like an idiot, put them all in a bag and requested he take them next time he came over.
New Year's Day was awful. I cried the whole day. I hated 2014 and I'm not optimistic about 2015.
This is not a journey, it's a Labyrinth and I'm walking in circles.
I don't know how I'm doing with DB. Nothing has changed. I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing. He seems to be just fine with how things are and there are no signs he wants to work on our marriage.
One good thing: I haven't begged, asked, pursued, hinted, etc about our "status". It has been hard in my most desperate moments but I don't ask because I'm afraid I already know his answer.
I feel like I'm a cork bobbing in a lake. No direction. I guess you could say I'm accepting of everything but I'm not doing this well at all.
I just don't know what to do. Doing nothing is feeling like torture.
Christmas was hard. Nothing under the tree for me. Empty stocking. I'm an adult, I know but, like an idiot, I put stuff in his stocking and got him some small things to at least have something to open. He left these things behind in the house for a week before I, like an idiot, put them all in a bag and requested he take them next time he came over.
Your H makes me mad. Grrrr....
I'm sorry you are feeling lost right now. You say doing nothing feels like torture. What would you like to do? Really, deep down, what would you like to see happen here?
2014 was a rough year but 2015 will be what you make it. So decide that you've had enough of cr@p and you're ready to take the yuck and chuck it so 2015 will be the year Ss finds out how awesome she is.
You've been with your H since you were 19, right, freshly emerging from your appalling childhood?
Guess what, this time is the gift you've been given to grow into your own woman. To find out what makes your engine rev when you get to drive the bus solo.
IMO you spend way too much time with him. How can you detach when he shows up for most of your GAL? What can you do to separate more deeply from him?
HUGS, my dear, this is a low. Start cranking up that hill again, the view is much nicer from the top.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
