Can't believe I'm here...

[Jer2911]

I never in a million years would have thought I would be joining a forum like this.

I thought my partner and I had what it takes to be together through all of the ups and downs that we would face together as a couple and as a family.

Sadly, I didn't realize that despite who she once was (up until a few months ago) and what she always told me about her love for me and her commitment to me, that she would have a MAJOR MLC that would turn our lives completely upside down.

Bomb Drop was during the week of October 27, 2014. I can't pinpoint an exact date because I the BD was an accidental discovery on my part and it took a few days -- and that entire week and the few weeks following are a complete blur to me now.

I will spare everyone the details of how I had a complete nervous breakdown and lost 25 lbs. in a little over a month -- I think everything I went through is what everyone else has gone through following BD.

Before I continue -- my partner is female and so am I. We are not legally married, but have always considered ourselves married despite the legal status (not legal in our state yet).

We have been together for almost 10 years.

In that time we have had 3 children together. I gave birth to one and she gave birth to twins.

Everyone around us has always looked up to us a such a perfect family -- happily in love and happily raising three wonderful kids together.

Picture perfect.

Until the end of October.

Now... According to her...

I am the entire source of her unhappiness. She has never really loved me, is not in love with me now, and can never fall in love with me again.

She wants a separation -- which means permanent separation just like a divorce. She has no intention of even trying to make things work between us.

She believes the kids will be better off with us apart than if we remained together in a "loveless" relationship.

Does any of this sound familiar to everyone else here? Sadly, I'm sure it does.

I also know for a fact that she has an online EA with an OW who is MUCH younger and lives in a different country. I see this as an escape fantasy for her.

As I read through the stages of MLC, I think -- THINK -- that she is currently in Replay considering the fact that she is involved with the EA/OW.

She completely denies the EA and says the OW is "just a friend."

She wants to get through with the separation as quickly as possible. I really believe she has a fantasy of moving the OW here and then entering into a real R with the OW once I am out of the picture.

We go on Monday to our first joint therapy session to begin discussing the terms of the separation (my request). I have requested this -- and will make other demands -- under the argument that I am not being given a choice in the outcome, therefore, I will have some choice in the process and terms of the separation.

I am also meeting secretly with a friend of mine who practices family law specifically focused on the issues faced by same-sex couples.

I have been in IC since the beginning of November, have been seeing my doctor reguarly, and am on anti-anxiety/anti-depression meds (which have been a lifesaver through this). I have also started some spiritual counseling to help me get through this with a stronger faith in God.

My partner has been in IC since mid-December -- but I suspect she isn't taking it as seriously as she should be. She started going at the request of her mom and her half-brother (both of whom I am also in private conversations with around this MLC -- both of them are seriously concerned about her mental state and are in full agreement that this is a major MLC). However, I think she is just using the IC as a place to sort through how she plans to get me out of the house and away from her and the kids. As for the kids -- we are both legal parents of all three (went through second-parent adoptions right after all were born.) -- so I do intend to fight for joint-custody.

I expect she is going to try to buy me out of our home -- a custom home we built about 6 years ago that we both intended to "grow old in". This is our/my dream home... and I know I should just get over the emotional attachment to it (which certainly doesn't compare to the love I have for my partner and children)... but losing the house hurts as well.

I do feel a great deal of anger over how I am being treated in all of this. I have been nothing but loving, loyal, and everything I thought she wanted/needed in a partner/wife for life. I am being treated as if I have been abusive, disloyal, a cheater, and a liar.

I realize that all of this is part of the MLC. But it hurts.

The spiritual counseling has been helpful in helping me to realize that the only hope for any reconciliation is for us to go through with the separation. She won't "wake up" from any of this until she has to live the reality that she thinks she wants and sees that the unhappiness really has nothing to do with me.

I know that she may never emerge from the tunnel. But I also know that I have to let her go with love at this time.

I am so sad over this.

Fortunately, I do have a strong support network of family and friends.

I have joined this site as a way to expand that network to include others who have gone through this or who are going through this. I am here to learn, to vent, to document my growth, and -- hopefully -- to one day share a success story of reconciliation with a MLC spouse.

I'll end this with a huge wish for all of us that 2015 will be a better year for everyone.