I don't mean to hijack although I understand the lying confusing you. I say this with no rose colored glasses, my xh was not a liar in our M. He wouldn't even fib to a friend or family member. Now, pretty much anything *I* hear out of his mouth is a blatant lie. I don't really think anything of it now. Actually, I'm more shocked if he's being truthful and again, I don't really think much of that either.
My point is that when your spouse is in crisis, depressed, under duress, etcetera, their behavior can be extremely odd. I don't really know any other way to describe it. You can drive yourself crazy trying to figure out the whys, how's, and what does this means. You may also give yourself wrinkles from a perpetually furrowed brow and you don't want that:-) It's best to take it all in at face value and leave it at that. It's easy to try to speculate and analyze what every moment, word, or action means and really, it just places you on a roller coaster. Just watch from afar and avoid the ride.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
I TOTALLY understand how you are feeling because I have been in the exact same boat and oddly enough, I found out on NYE also, that X-a$$ had been in an A. Of course, in my sitch, X-a$$ is still denying it is an A, but whatever...he's a liar. I say all this to say that I empathize with you and am praying for you and sending positive thoughts your way. Try to do something to get your mind off of it and relax...if that is possible. Hang in there, bud!
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Sorry for the hijack here, Card, but I just wanted to say thank you to Georgiabelle for what you said above. My X-a$$ was always very honest during our M too and it is just in the last few days that I have discovered his lies. He, of course, denies lying, but then tap dances around when I ask. I really appreciate what you said in your comment above and it was something I REALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLY needed to hear.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Thanks for the kind words, everyone. I have been so confused over the last 7 months. WAW just didn't seem to really fit an exact script that I'd seen here or elsewhere, assuming she wasn't having an A. Remember, I went as far as hiring a PI to find out (great job, PI). So even though she had every red flag, I had no actually reason to believe she was having an A. So I tried to find the reasons for her strange behaviors (drinking heavily, listening to hardcore hip hop [she used to listen to christian rock and Taylor swift], etc). I blamed it on her depression, extreme unfulfillment of EN's, possible MLC. Of course the EN's made her susceptible to an A, but everything makes so much more sense now.
Today was the first day I had angry thoughts about OM. For the first two days I didn't want him anywhere near my thoughts or energy. But I thought about him today what kind of POS not only leaves his W and kids, but desecrates another M and child? And WAW tried to tell me on the reveal phone call that he was a really good man. Man the fog makes people stupid. And honestly, WAW is one of the smartest people I've ever met.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
- Rationalizing her behavior was a waste of time and energy, and kept me from detaching sooner - Thinking about OM is a huge waste of time and puts me in an angry, worthless state. I don't see how I couldn't have at least some time being angry, though. As long as I don't keep thinking about him and hold on to the anger - Hiring a PI, though, I do not regret. It allowed me to let go. I told him not to update me on her whereabouts, to just contact me if he found definitive evidence. I couldn't sleep or eat before I hired him. After that, I had the best 6 week stretch of my entire DB process
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
Actually the PI didn't get me an answer. WAW just came clean with me out of the blue. I told him to stop investigating in October when WAW told me she intended to date (which, in hindsight, confirms what many here said, that she was prepping me for an A reveal). Anything he found after that would have been what she told me she was going to do, plus I really didn't want to actually see anything.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
As far as how I'm doing now, I'm actually doing great. About 4 days before she revealed the A, a switch in my heart flipped. I was at peace with a D, even excited about a new future. Now I'm wondering if I even want to go back to her IF she wanted to reconcile.
She told me today that her OM is now trying to reconcile with his W.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
Take it one day at a time. I had ALL the same thoughts you are. I had a flipped switch because I was being pursued by Another man that I thought I saw potential with in the future. It made me feel the way you did... Hopeful for the future. Knowing I could be happy with someone besides H. During this time for the first time ever (H never admitted he was seeing OW to me, but she was very open on FB from the beginning) H told me via text he and Ow were taking time apart, they both had a lot going on. I actually remember posting the exact conversation. To obviously which I didn't reply. I was stunned... Did he expect me to be his friend and console him in his break up?! He actually was temp checking. I completely avoided any and all conversation regarding OW.
Anyway, not to talk about myself, but point being ... Be open to any and all possibilities. You may think you know what you want but feelings change. Keep an open mind. I'm not saying your W is coming back but be open to any possibility whether it be D or R. Just focus on you and what's meant to be will be.
