Separated and Need HELP!

[melissag]

How are you doing today, Faith?

I think a part of me hopes he is hurting, hopes he is struggling. Because right now my pain is isolating, and I feel like I am the only one in my world who feels this way.

I think this is a very natural way to think, but in truth, him struggling won't help to ease your pain. You are SO not alone in this - everyone here on these boards is there or has been there. Keep posting and reading.

I guess I just felt like since he seems so sure of his decision and what he wants, I find it weird that he feels like a dirtbag. I would expect him not to feel guilt, to be so certain of his choices that feeling like this is the "right thing to do" would release any of that.

You are trying to apply logic - and your logic at that - to something and someone who will never make sense to you, because in his shoes, you would not do the same. We tend to think that if only we understood it would somehow help, but I don't think you can understand and even if you did, I don't think it would help.

Part of me telling him he is a good person has been trying to get rid of his guilt. I had read that the more guilt a WAS has, the harder it is to come home because they are so ashamed. So I was telling him he is a good person because I thought this would ease any tension and give me the best chances it could.

You cannot control what he does. Telling him he is a good person is not going to make him come back. Something that took me a very long time to really understand and accept is that once a spouse gets to the point of BD, he or she is just plain done. So really, IMO, all you are doing is enabling him. Let him sit with what he has chosen.

It's also hard for me to watch someone I love struggle and not want to help. But I guess I have to remind myself that it's all give and no take in this situation. Everything is on his terms, for his benefit. Why should I continue to feed into that? It serves me or S8 no purpose.

Exactly. Yes, you love him and yes, maybe he is struggling. But you did not cause this and you cannot fix it. You know who you need to help? Yourself. Because you are struggling. Focus on you. Not on him.

I just truly believe in my heart this is a mistake, that this isn't right. That we are giving up too easily.

The sucky part about divorce is that if one person wants it, it matters not one lick what the other thinks. I too, felt this way. But now I look back and realize that I was just trying to hold onto something that wasn't good for me, out of desperation and fear. I am not saying you will have the same realization, but you just have to recognize that you are in a crisis right now and you're not thinking with 100% clarity. Perhaps your H is giving up too easily. But if he doesn't think so, there is nothing you're going to do to convince him.

But I always have this urge, this feeling, like I need to keep trying harder to keep him from making this huge mistake. I wonder if anyone else feels this way in situations like this?

I am sure we all do. But what I have learned is that you are only keeping yourself stuck by desperately clinging on to something that does not serve you and is not meant for you.

The truth is, I don't know how to be assertive without being mean, or hypocritical. I don't know how to set boundaries without coming across as cold or upset. And I don't know how to move on with my life when I'm still so in love and so committed to my H. I think a lot about moving away and running from all of this. I know it would be cowardly and I know it isn't the right choice to make here.

The first several sentences are things you should address with your IC. That's where you can really start to learn and grow. As far as moving on . . . you don't have to move on, just make sure you are moving forward. You can still stand for your M, but move forward with your own life. Get what I mean?

But I fail to see how I can move past this and be happy.

I know that feeling and I can totally empathize. This is where you just have to have faith. Listen to the vets here, read some stories from beginning to end and you will see how people were able to move forward and grow, and who found that they can be happy, and in many cases, happIER, without their M.

I think a part of my enabling H by telling him he is a good person is also me trying to convince myself that I can forgive him.

You are nowhere near ready to forgive him. Think of that as something you hope you can do someday, but don't focus on it now. Focus on yourself and living your life.

So many (almost all of) my friends fuel these feelings constantly by bashing H and telling me I should be so angry and upset. Even my family does the same.

This is where you need to set a boundary. If this is hurting you, tell them that you do not want to hear H bashing. Or that you don't want to talk about it at all. There are certainly some people who I just didn't talk to about my sitch, because I knew I would hear the same kind of thing. In truth, it's kind of nice to have a few people like that, because it's refreshing to be forced into doing something without talking about your sitch for a while.

And my IC has even encouraged an angry side of me. I'm beginning to wonder if there's truth to any of that, or if they are just poisoning my thoughts.

Like I said before, you are in the "put H on a pedestal" phase. When my IC started to ask me the tough questions (and I started to ask myself), and I started to look at things honestly, I realized that my M was crap and that I really didn't even like my H much. This might not happen to you, but I think that you will at some point be able to see him in a much more objective light. Perhaps that is where your IC is going with things?

You are doing great, Faith. This is hard s**t. Just keep swimming.