Separated about a month, now what?

[Zelda09]

I thought I could prove to him how many ways he shines and be the work horse in the meantime until he found his purpose (pre-accident) just to be with this beautiful man that made me so happy in so many little ways. In the end, his low self esteem, depression and unwillingness to really engage with the world - his unhappiness is going to follow him everywhere no matter how many times he runs out on his own life (I thought that was just something he did in his 20's a couple times. Guess not.) I wish him all the luck in finding himself. It's the only way we stand a chance but I am over being the scapegoat having his unhappiness land in my lap for not being what he wants in his life. I wasn't perfect but at least I'm trying to own what I can. I don't want to receive another email or text again that makes me feel like I meant so little and am worth so little. It's just disturbing. I am more and more convinced the Oxy is at work here - emotional withdrawal, detachment, anger, irritability, paranoia. Clinical depression which he's been diagnosed with. I am never going to have the family I wanted and that's a grief in of itself. I don't want to take care of him and watch him go down the slide of learned helplessness his mother went down before she was institutionalized. All she wanted was to be a human pet, cared for with sugar and rainbows in her life and she wasn't willing to work for any of it either, neglecting reality, and hid her addictions until she was a shell of a person. I know that's a fear of mine but I think he's all too willing to be in need of care-taking for the rest of is life.

They say ask yourself if you would want this kind of relationship for your daughter. They say ask yourself if you would pick him out all over again. I can't see it right now. I'm done, the ball is in his court and he can go run with it if he wants. I am better than this. He can go not get out of bed in someone else's house.