Angry WAH blames me for everything.......(2)

[Calibri]

Mozza - thank you for stopping in. I am very much a determined person. It's one of the qualities I admire about myself. Once I set my mind to it - I usually find a way to do it. Come hell or high water. Re: education and career: I have a Master's Degree and finally broke into my career field a year ago. Starting from the bottom, but I have the drive and goal to get to the top.

I've been thinking a lot about what your IC said to you and how/if that train of thought applies to me. I would say yes, in most aspects. I've been thinking about controlling tendencies and where they started, and I've been able to narrow it down to three places in my life where it seems like control/critical ness became up close and personal. The first being my childhood. When my mom married my stepdad, he was fresh out of the military (was a military kid before that) and really had no idea how to interact or parent a 6 year old. For the first several years, I was treated like a soldier and not a child. Especially in areas of chores, etc. MY SD enforced military cleanliness around our home and it wasn't uncommon for me to have to scrub floors with a tooth brush or stack firewood to EXACT precision. SD would always check behind my work and would always point out missed spots and make me do the job again. I'm ashamed to say I did this with my H. I'm not at all a clean freak, but certain expectations were drilled into my head as to the right way to do it. Whereas H came from a family who never cleaned. He rarely had sheets on his bed, their house was just in disarray due to multiple factors. So I thought I was teaching H how to clean something correctly, when really, I was coming off as an ungrateful bitch.

The second instance: a job I took where my boss was a well known, well respected professional. She was also extremely "type A" and had systems and procedures that had to be followed to the letter. I viewed (and still do) her as a very successful business woman. I believe because of the scope of work I had to do, how I was expected to do it, that situation really sparked my control issues. I was held to such a high standard that, in turn I started holding others to a high standard as well.

The third instance came about a year into my M when I learned that H had gotten himself (and by proxy, me) into SERIOUS debt. He had taken over the finances while I finished up grad school. He became overwhelmed with the task, and embarrassed that he couldn't handle the situation. Instead of telling me and having the opportunity for us to work together on the situation, he made some pretty bad choices, hid them and it all blew up. His way of handling the situation hit my credit, his credit and our finances hard - and when I discovered this, I really had to take control of the situation and undo a bunch of stuff. This situation also sparked some serious problems with my inlaws - because wouldn't you know, this was all my fault (according to them)? And I started believing that my way was the right way, as I never would have a)handled the situation the way H did, and had handled my finances fantastically before. I started controlling more things and some aspects of my H's life because I didn't want a big surprise like that again. And I equated doing it my way with success. Lots of judgement, control, and self righteousness right there. I own up to it fully.

I also think my jobs both past, and present have a lot to do with my personality, or rather, I'm successful because of my personality. All of the jobs need super attention to detail, oversee multi aspects of projects, etc. My current gig, I have to assure that everything we do in our office is to FDA, hospital, medical and ethical standards. Monitor other people, equipment, etc. Constantly auditing and pointing out other peoples errors in the work place, so they don't make them again. Because in my business, errors can get us sued, can kill or physically harm someone, or shut us down.

So, years of all this, lands me where I am today. And absolutely, my work has spilled into my personal life. But I realize my relationship, and in turn, my H are to be nurtured, not audited.

So, this long winded post is an emphatic, yes to your statement. :-)

Also: my current boss and current job have me so out of my comfort zone it isn't even funny. Even a year into it, I haven't even scratched the surface of knowledge and my boss keeps me on my toes because I never know what he expects from me or what will be asked of me. I feel like an idiot around him most days simply because of his experiences and simply being out of my element. It has been a good experience being out of my comfort zone, because it's opened up my eyes to lots of things. And having a boss who thinks his way is the best way? Is very much poetic justice in some cases.