Surving the rollercoster

[Karma12]

Hi all,

Well I finally made the plunge. I have been reading these boards for about a year and finally registered.lol

Let me tell you my story. My husband and I met in Nov of 2003 and married in July of 2005. His first marriage my second. I have four adult children he has one daughter now 13. His daughter was only 2 when we met. He was never married to her Mother and they fought in court for years over custody and access. This was certainty added stress to our relationship. I helped and supported him through it all and in the end we won full custody of his daughter then 9. One year later I noticed changes, my H was becoming less engaged and more and more withdrawn. My H is already an introvert and I am more of an extrovert so I kept trying to engage him and he kept withdrawing more. I was very frustrated because after all the support I gave I expected things to be happier once all the court stuff was over. He still wanted to be intimate with me but was spending more and more time in his office in our basement "working". BD came at the end of that year in Dec. After he returned from a business trip and again had not contacted me while away I asked him what was going on and if he still wanted to be with me. He said he didn't know. I thought he was going through a midlife crisis ( he had just turned 41) but had no idea what that really meant at the time. I tried to get him to go to see a counselor and I did not beg and plead but I did try and fix anything he complained about. I was angry too because after already dealing with supporting him through a very long trying battle for his daughter this was not the pot of gold I was expecting at the end of the rainbow. Finally that summer when he refused to get any help and told me he was miserable in our relationship I decided to leave. It was a difficult choice as I still loved him and was very close to my SD. I thought at the time that if he had time and space without me he may appreciate me more and miss me. His behavior was very confusing. Once he knew I was moving and I had stopped trying to fix the relationship. He started being more friendly, flirty and engaging with me. I didnt realize at the time that without knowing it I had dropped the rope and given him enough space to get his attention. What I didnt know also at the time was he was torn between me and a younger affair partner he met while travelling to Eastern Europe. A few weeks later she moved into our house with him and my poor SD. Fast forward and 2.5 yrs later she wasn't the soulmate he thought she was and they broke up. I have still been in contact with him because I have visitation with my SD. She never knew life without me in it and I refused to abandon her. Add to this her birth Mother passed away 6mths after we seperated. I'm the Mother figure in her life and she is attached to all of my family. Since the AP moved out my H and I have gone from being business like friendly to more and more friendly. Withnthe OW gone he would invite me in when I went to pick up my SD as well as he would come up to my Suite to pick her up rather than just waiting in the car for her to come down. The conversations grew more frequent and he'd offer me a glass a wine. In Sept he'd had a health scare and I went with him for the tests. ( I'm a Nurse) in Oct he asked me if he and SD could take me out for dinner for my BD. We were texting more and hugging hello and goodbye. We had a couple of nights were we watched movies together with SD. and went out for dinner together for her BD in Nov. I had read DR and been reading many posts on here so I was doing a pretty good job I thought applying the DB ways. I'm a pretty positive person ( most times) and have always had my own goals and activities. My H was complimenting me everytime he saw me on how I looked and I felt like the negative box he had packed me away in had some cracks in it. In Dec although he was still friendly and complimentary I noticed he was not trying to spend evenings together as he had been in OCt and Nov. I found out after Christmas he had gone on a few dates with someone new. I had felt hopeful that he was coming out of the midlife fog and we were reconnecting. On NYE I sent him a not so friendly Happy New Years message. I did exactly what you shouldn't do. I texted after midnight after a couple of glasses of wine. I said Hi hope you are having fun with your New girlfriend. Looking forward to you paying me out and divorcing you. Happy New Year! Love your wife. Not my best moment. I know. I was very surprised on New Year's Day to when he called me. I expected him to ignore, withdraw and honestly at that point I didn't care. He asked me to meet him so we could talk. I was taking SD that day to a family dinner so we met after I dropped her off. He was all over the place in what he said. He has gone through some of his midlife journey but still has a ways to go. He said that he was not proud of his past behavior and moving his AF into our house was a huge mistake. He said it was a year of hell living with her and it affected his health because he was so stressed.( so much for Happy with new soulmate!) he said he was unsure of getting back with me as he felt it was going backwards. He didn't want to hurt me again and was afraid of failing. He said he didn't have a girlfriend but had been on a few dates in Dec with someone. She had no expectations and that's what he wants. To do his own thing. No expectations. I listened, validated. I used all my new DB skills. Because of this he opened up more about his feelings than he ever has and even cried. He has never cried about us. He asked me if I wanted a divorce and I said that I had never wanted a divorce. I asked him why he had never filed. He said he didn't know. He couldn't make that final step even though he'd had a girl friend and now still was interested in dating others. I told him I had thought we were getting to know each other again and were tipping our toe in the dating pool. I wasn't home packing and planning on moving back. He told me he still had feelings for me, was attracted to me, admired me. He said I don't want to lose you. I don't want us to be strangers. I want to know what's happening with you and to be part of your life. He said he had wanted to be intimate with me over the last couple of months but knew it would go against my values if he was dating and being intimate with me. He said he wanted to date others because he was curious. Then he teared up held my hand told me I was his rock and the best person he knew. He said he knows I'm an all or nothing kind of girl and no expectation dating isn't me. Im the real meal deal. Lol. Fine dining instead of fast food..

So friends Thank you for reading my story. Here's where I need your help. What do I do now? I don't want him cake eating. Dating others for the thrill of it and enjoying casual romps while turning to me for the deeper emotional support and feeling of being loved. I told him I don't want to be his plan B. Do I just go dim? Pull back and create more distance? He knows I have a life, friends and keep busy. I don't want him thinking he can go do what ever with whoever and if he wants me I will be there. I feel like he needs to feel a fear of loss to make him step forward. Thoughts?