MOVING UP MOVING ON

[Ambivalent]

Thank you , Job. It was horribly stressful until the actual day. My youngest deliberately and calculatingly tried to get my phone number from me using these tactics: guilt, bullying, anger, and emotional blackmail. At the time I was so ill, and I didn't see it for what it was . I allowed her to bait me and I allowed the manipulation. I not only bit, but just completely lost it!!! For forty eight hours I felt so bad about myself. I wrote to my bro-in-law and just dumped. I then felt horrible about that too! UUUUgh, talk about back-sliding.

The next morning I apologized to my bro-in-law. I found out through my youngest that it went the family circuit. @@. His family all talk behind their backs and passively aggressively manipulate each other. My H. soon jumped on the opportunity to get my youngest to join him for Christmas.
She told him she was coming to my place still. The scuttlebutt was " Mom cancelled Christmas ". @@

They all tried to find out what happened from her, and she held fast to " Mom is very sick, and exhausted. ".
By Christmas my bro-in-law came, my youngest came and my oldest refrained. No surprise!

My oldest and my H dumped the wife/mother duties on my youngest. They told her to organize what theater and dining places to get together. She tried , and every time she came up with an idea or plan , they shot her down. They , H and oldest are narcissistic. Soooo...

When did I finally get Christmas with them ? SEVEN O'CLOCK Christmas night! Sheesh. I cleaned and cooked all day, listened to Christmas songs and relaxed. Knowing the oldest wasn't coming did remove quite a bit of stress.

I found out through bro/and youngest , my oldest got glee from " almost getting the phone # out of her ". This was a very painful piece of information! I had VERY little trust before, now it is gone. I feel so violated, hurt, disappointed, manipulated, and betrayed.

I put so much of myself into that child. Meaning: I advocated, protected, coached, lead, had her in socialization groups, got her help (psychologists, other docs. Therapy camp...) private schooling...UUUUUGH!

I understand now that she is what is known as an " energy sap-er " My mother too, fits this . TOXIC. It is so hard to like a person such as this. I love her so much, I love my mother. But they both drain me emotionally, psychologically, and physically! It is SO painful. Neither will respect boundaries, and push push push.

I will be doing some homework as to how to deal with these types of unhealthy people in the future. As for now? I'm not reaching out. I am protecting myself, I've too much on my plate. I cannot allow them into my life and poisoning or undermining my positivity.

Two days prior to Christmas, JTM and I were to see each other. The night prior, he let me know his eye doctor may want to operate on his eye, that day. He'd call. I was so disappointed that I may not be able to see him. <:C.

But in true DB-ing style I proceeded with my day " as if " I wasn't going to see him. I went to the gym, made the batter and cut out the Springerlie cookies...

While doing so a knock came upon the door. I almost ignored it. As I approached the door, there was a 6'6 man standing on my front porch with a spray of 12 red roses and Stargazer lilies in his arms! Yes, it was John! <:O

I was SO surprised and felt such a rush of glee. The house was a wreck, but THANK GOD I was dressed, face on and actually looked AWESOOOME. Giggles

I invited him in, jumped up on a dining room chair, looked him straight in the eyes and then jumped into his arms!!!
I allowed myself to be present in that moment. I succumbed and I was vulnerable. I allowed everything to wash off and enjoyed every delicious second of being with him. What a gift!! God does work in mysterious ways!

As for whether or not a judge would consider his commissions and bonuses? I'm not so sure I'd agree . For Job, we have always lived on those. It has been 200% of his base before! I was also told ( by the paralegal who received the judgment )a judge could look at his top earning year, and say " you've done it before, you can do it now ".
Another option would be a past five year average, prior to him leaving. Judges are savvy to men who've suddenly dropped their income level prior to divorce finality. I'm in Loudoun County, depending on the judge there are many choices from which to choose. My H. chose to desert, and abandoned . He chose to play games with the attorneys. He chose to seek out an affair, spend money on trips, jewelry, clothes ; all while choosing to stop paying the mortgage on the marital home. This will come into play. All I may hope? Enough to live and save. To be able to pay taxes and build some retirement income. The rest is going to be up to me.

JOURNALING


I've been doing a ton of reading...NO surprise! Lately it has been on post divorce dating, rebounds, what men and women do after divorce, toxic relationships, healthy relationships, pacing.

I've come to trust my gut instincts again. I was always one to "feel" things. I used to listen and heed. When going through this, separation and now pending divorce, it's easy to doubt every decision. Especially when a former H. is manipulating and bullying; instructing me on what I should and shouldn't do with the divorce procedures and getting a job!

I am fortunate that this relationship with JTM is slow paced. I met him via a dating site this month last year, our first date was in January. I've come to get to know him slowly. Still much to learn,obviously. Some folks I know through dance and other places, have started dating. They see each other quite a bit. We don't. At times I wanted to, and at times I did not.

I have learned for a relationship to last or develop in a healthy manner, slow and steady is the best choice. It allows for thought and contemplation , it allows one to feel and learn. It allows one to see " red flags " of behavior. I don't mean in the other person per Se, but myself as well.

I don't want to focus on the negative, or to seek things from which to run. I don't want to see only through the rose colored hue of oxytocin and dopamine laden spectacles either. I want to have balance and health in a relationship. I know what I want in another, and I want to be the best me I am able to be!!

I like this man, I have grown to love him. I believe taking time, moving slow is a very good thing. I can cycle through feelings without dragging him into them. I can process them, learn from them and eliminate "drama". Moving slow: meaning seeing each other a couple of times a month, and communicating through out the times between. This allows for the 48 to 72 hour thought process to become a pattern. I have a tendency to impulsivity . Journaling is a very big help. Group therapy is too!

I have learned to focus on what I am feeling in the present. Feel it and express it. I am learning to share negative feelings with a bit more tact and grace. NOT EASY, but I will eventually be able to do this with more and more ease. Why? Because I want to grow. I constantly refer to the book:

" MEN ARE FROM MARS AND WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS " . It has SO much information, one must re-read to allow it to take hold; to become second nature. It is by my throne, X}. Yes, I have quite the bathroom library!

This coming Wednesday I retake my Practical. It will be in Richmond. I have planned to go down the day before. I am going to get a hotel, study a bit, find the testing center, then relax and sleep well before the exam.

After the exam, I may just play it by ear!

I have created a job for myself and will be focusing on that. More to follow later.

2015 will still have some challenges of getting through the dispersing of property, debt, and divorce. To this I'm not looking forward, for it is incredibly stressful. I have maintained my weight loss, for at least eight months. I'll use the impending stress to take a few more pounds off and then hold fast! I don't wish to drop anymore sizes, just have the room to enjoy a splurge now and then without issue.

I am still in the house, go figure? I've looked at other places . My near future goal is to stay here as long as I can. Bank bank bank as much as I can. I need to go to a financial advisor/planner, tax attorney, and learn as much as I can. I need to get two major exams done, breast and colonoscopy. This will be done immediately after Practical exam.

I have downsized the doglets. Two are with daughter #2. She needs them for depression, they reeeally help her! I have three, one who is not long for the world. He will be fourteen on the Ide's of March!

This man was born an old soul. He was fear aggressive, and is my grumpy gus. I LOVE HIM to pieces. We as a family worked with this dog a great deal. He truly became the most obedient and loving dog. He has arthritis, has gone low/medium pitch deaf and needs glasses! Ha! My man Kemper, has taught me much about patience, loving unconditionally, beauty from within, and older age. It will be a very sad day when he goes. He taught my children uncountable lessons. Due to his larger size, (12 pounds. XP ) and deeper bark, I felt a type of security with him. I've never lived alone prior to this experience. He is my sentinel.

Kemper is starting to abdicate his "pack leader" position. This saddens me, for I see the changes in a man who was a proud and strong leader. I see the parallel with man. How we as humans change with age. I also see the need for more touch, and love. This is something I will remember, I tear up as I write this. We all need this, it is part of us. Touch, loving touch.